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Wednesday, August 10, 2016


the first time i visited Eru-by-the-sea, the old jewelry-crafter gave me her undivided attention, which was a bit strange because there was so much newness to take in... so i was whelmed with everything already when she began circling me. i took pictures; they all turned out blurry but i kept them anyway. viewing them in rapid sequence has a cinematic effect, and reminds me of how i felt more walued and wanted than the gems for which she holds her breath each morning.
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when my first ex-girlfriend invited me to see the vikings, we spent the first dark warm evening walking around her neighborhood. she had been dating for over a year, but he had declined to hang with us. it didn't at the time, but it now reminds me (as i look back on it) of the first hours we spent together in person, at the beach, because of the bermuda grass and low trees and sand. she led me by the hand; we spent more time laughing than talking. i slept on the couch that visit. but later, when Caleb drove me there so i wouldn't have to leave my car while in Estonia, all three of us took the couch, and as i was falling asleep i felt one fingertip come to rest against one of mine, lightly.
~     ~
after a few years of e-friendship, and much talk of meeting someday, we met someday in spring '08. her family stayed at a hotel, on their way back from Disneyland. she convinced her dad to stay up waiting for her while she met the alleged Caliboy and his alleged lack of axe-murdering tendencies. it was very late. my fiance wasn't thrilled. i was feeling a little weird. we had less than an hour to hang out. i don't remember anything that happened after i walked into the lobby to find her reading (and she made me wait until she got to a good stopping point before hugging me).
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two days before our firsts, i served her (and others) four kinds of whiskey and a barbecued dinner. i tend to enjoy swimming only in my ideal conditions, but of the few notable exceptions, she is one. when she began circling me in the pool, i felt the way i imagine experienced time-travelers do when they shift: the world rocked abruptly but gently, and though i felt i was still in the right world, the surreal quality made me look up to make certain. hard liquor: check. barbecued food: check. the Baltic: close enough. femme fatale sharkling: check. danger of losing a finger or segment of upper body: double-check. not-so-accidental friction: check. mesmerism: mother-effffffff. and my next thought was, "she has no idea what she is re-creating... she's just doing what feels natural."

it was that thought which planted this post's seedling.
~     ~     ~
all of what we experience as adults gets interpreted, but not everything is consciously so, nor is everything deliberated upon. some experiences scale or burrow below our guarded gates, appearing in our inner chambers-- like thieves, but with benevolent intent (however selfish). these make for vivid memories, and perhaps even good blog posts.

i hope i create these for others at least as much as they have/do for me

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