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Monday, August 15, 2016


i don't just let you hug me. (and i don't let just anyone hug me, either.)

timid people let others interrupt them in conversations. task-oriented bosses let employees take vacations, grammar nazis let slip a few errors here and there, parents let their kids have an extra scoop of ice cream, pilots let their attention wander while autopilot does its thing. responsible morning people occasionally let the alarm go to snooze.

"let" is a word with subtle notes of begrudgement, and strong tolerance on the finish. at very best, it's a word for rare moments of indulgence that go against one's better judgment. there are much better words for what i do with your affection. here are some of them (with complete sentences and everything!):

- i wolf down your affection. here's an illustrative video clip that has zero wolves in it. the music is creepy unless you watch at double speed (which i recommend highly), at which point it becomes kinda cool. (watch for me at 1:20 or so)

- i anticipate your affection, and miss it when i'm expecting it and it doesn't come. like when you're listening to music through your phone and someone calls right as your fav part is about to play. if i see your arm move toward me, especially in the corners of my vision, i lean toward it a little bit, automatically.

- i shiver at your affection. have your parents ever shivered at letting you have an extra scoop of ice cream? didn't think so. i realize how silly it looks from the outside, perhaps even from your own vantage point, but in the moment i care naht.

- i get drunk on your affection. while sober. i don't need to explain this one. and i don't mean buzzed, although that can happen as well. i mean it's tough to remain standing. that diane krall song is a crock. lies and manip. deceptionypoo. she and i both lied. sorrynotsorry.
~     ~     ~

my problem, whatever it is, has not to do with the above reactions but with how i feel without them, and how quickly i come to that feeling, in the absence of closeness. it has to do with what i realize i want, when i'm most honest with myself, and with how often i want it, and how much.

i think one of the reasons i ask "what are you in the mood for?" or some variation, so often, is because i can easily identify and empathize with desire. it's comforting to feel that someone else is feeling what i'm feeling; it feels good to think that i'm not the only one who desperately wants somethings. it could be something as simple as mustleib, or more complex like essencia... if someone is craving something, i can relate with them. (and i can possibly try to satisfy that craving, which feels just as good if not better. but this post isn't about that.)

in this chapter i am almost always in the mood for physical affection. a lot of it. even a little can satisfy me... for as long as it continues. if my desire for 24 hours with you were a tree, this would be one of the thickest roots. i could drink all of it and still not be full. maybe 48 would fill me? idk... it's been a very long time since i got to spend that much time with someone close to me. i actually miss the me who quickly tired of all people-ing, who sought seclusion regularly and savored it.

ok so for example: if i could have anything right now, it would be a backrub. not a massage (i think my shoulder/back problem might go deeper than sore muscle issues); a backrub. my whole torso actually. might as well go above the shoulders too. in fact everything from the waist up, and yes, i'm aware that that's not typical talk for a typical guy. but it's the case; i just needwant skin contact, the kind that calms. the kind that restores balance or zen or whatever. a spirit evocation that restores soulstuff.

an hour or so oughta do it. i think that would make this demon shut up completely, for the duration. and then if i could maybe take a nap with the person who so generously donated their palms and fingertips to the lonely zae foundation, it'd seal the deal. my tank would be full-ish-er. i would have no pain or emptiness or longing or desperation.

until after the nap ended and my napping buddy withdrew her company, possibly leaving me exactly as i was before: pitiful / needy. but maybe not so much that i couldn't hide it for another few weeks, which would be nice. preferably though, i would experience this several times a week. i'm willing to try a daily regimen even, with an optional break every other Saturday (those days we'd just sit next to each other).

tldr: i literally can't get enough physical affection.

none of this would have made any sense whatsoever to isaiah. i distinctly remember what my pains and longings were back then, and none of them overlapped with any of this. it's inconvenient as hell and i would flip off the switch for it if i had one, no hesitation.

instead i sip, like Thomas, and wonder if i can afford the continued cost of masquerading as a nornal human. or if maybe there's a cure (an exorcism?). i wonder if a Justine would survive me. i wonder if one should even be subjected to the opportunity.

at this point i mostly believe one shouldn't.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016


the first time i visited Eru-by-the-sea, the old jewelry-crafter gave me her undivided attention, which was a bit strange because there was so much newness to take in... so i was whelmed with everything already when she began circling me. i took pictures; they all turned out blurry but i kept them anyway. viewing them in rapid sequence has a cinematic effect, and reminds me of how i felt more walued and wanted than the gems for which she holds her breath each morning.
~     ~
when my first ex-girlfriend invited me to see the vikings, we spent the first dark warm evening walking around her neighborhood. she had been dating for over a year, but he had declined to hang with us. it didn't at the time, but it now reminds me (as i look back on it) of the first hours we spent together in person, at the beach, because of the bermuda grass and low trees and sand. she led me by the hand; we spent more time laughing than talking. i slept on the couch that visit. but later, when Caleb drove me there so i wouldn't have to leave my car while in Estonia, all three of us took the couch, and as i was falling asleep i felt one fingertip come to rest against one of mine, lightly.
~     ~
after a few years of e-friendship, and much talk of meeting someday, we met someday in spring '08. her family stayed at a hotel, on their way back from Disneyland. she convinced her dad to stay up waiting for her while she met the alleged Caliboy and his alleged lack of axe-murdering tendencies. it was very late. my fiance wasn't thrilled. i was feeling a little weird. we had less than an hour to hang out. i don't remember anything that happened after i walked into the lobby to find her reading (and she made me wait until she got to a good stopping point before hugging me).
~     ~
two days before our firsts, i served her (and others) four kinds of whiskey and a barbecued dinner. i tend to enjoy swimming only in my ideal conditions, but of the few notable exceptions, she is one. when she began circling me in the pool, i felt the way i imagine experienced time-travelers do when they shift: the world rocked abruptly but gently, and though i felt i was still in the right world, the surreal quality made me look up to make certain. hard liquor: check. barbecued food: check. the Baltic: close enough. femme fatale sharkling: check. danger of losing a finger or segment of upper body: double-check. not-so-accidental friction: check. mesmerism: mother-effffffff. and my next thought was, "she has no idea what she is re-creating... she's just doing what feels natural."

it was that thought which planted this post's seedling.
~     ~     ~
all of what we experience as adults gets interpreted, but not everything is consciously so, nor is everything deliberated upon. some experiences scale or burrow below our guarded gates, appearing in our inner chambers-- like thieves, but with benevolent intent (however selfish). these make for vivid memories, and perhaps even good blog posts.

i hope i create these for others at least as much as they have/do for me