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Tuesday, June 21, 2016


[my first title idea was "you put the 'cute' in 'acute loneliness'" but surprise: i have literary standards. welcs.]

your reputation, or maybe your aura, benefits from a certain accidental stealthiness. allegedly your jealousy is a large, lively beast, rearing its ugly rear at the slightest provocation... but it hides behind your non-chattiness, and even when you mention it, there's more declaration than description.

zaes are wont to define things, but this time description is called for. ma ei soovin midagi, aga ma tahan midagi very specific... somethings. and i want them the same way i want food. no matter how i distract myself, nor what i use to do so, the longing pushes against my legs like a 30-lb. bob-tailed tom-cat. i have to use circular movement martial arts to stay upright. if i turn away from it thrice, it mrreowls and extends hooked claws, more like a malk than an adopted stray.

and i want them the same way i want certain foods. (metaphorical general caloric intake would never warrant a blog post.) and i want them times 4½ when i know someone else is enjoying them.

the classics are classic for good reason, clichéd as they are. jealousy is not compared to a flood (though it does wash over me, and pushes at me with as much force), nor is it likened unto a beast (except in this post, and i rather enjoy that comparison). instead, jealousy burns. it's an explosive, destructive consumption of energy. it can't be sated; feeding it helps it grow.

and yet something about it mesmerizes. i find jealousy of others (jealousy for me) intensely satisfying, like the first sniff of a newly-opened bottle of viking blod... or dad's rosemary-grilled beef ribs, which he buys at Wal-mart, of all places. how can any good come out of Wal-mart? anyways jealousy: electrifying heat, and many-hued light that draws my gaze despite a strong will to focus on anything else.

so, it's 7:43a and i, in my super-comfy boxer-briefs, recline on a fine leather couch near the heart of Tallinn. the breeze coming in (it's likely flown in all the way from the Baltic just for some facetime with lil old me... awww) is perfect. i've just finished my plate of munad, paprikaad, sibulad, ja õllevorst. my shoffee-cop music is klipsching on single repeat.

and still Grimalkin rakes his claws across the you-know-whats of my heart.

jealousy and the lonelies: cool band name? secret code for viking blod and rosemary beef ribs? you decide.

~     ~     ~

jealousy is indeed a fire. i can't say i'd abolish it entirely, because it does warm me... when it isn't my kindling that's being kindled, anyway. and roasting my desire for certain favorite people over an open fiiiiiire~ does lend that desire a nice flavor when it is eventually sated.

but the pairing of jealousy and samishii isn't delish. it totes not my goat, nor flips my boat, nor floats my skirt. actually it does what rancorous blisters do. sure, you can go on vacation to the wonderfulest place in the world, and get shamelessly groped by hot married blond baes (and boys... *sigh*) and have exotic mulled spiced wine served to you in an ancient stone fortress-turned-restaurant while the sun takes hours and hours to finish setting... but that seemingly tiny thing on the back of your heel is gonna burn, even when you're comfortably seated at said fortress, and the walk home, though externally picturesque and serene, is gonna hurt like Charles' dickens. like a mother. like the kurat.

and when you're lying in bed at night, or in the morning, or hwenever, with nothing to distract you, then the coup de grâce. all the ignored notifications will light up your amygdalae like a newly-impassioned tog's DIY LED panel, and even your dreams will succumb, warping until you get some kind of Alice in Wonderland meets [spoiler alert] a retired Denarian's death-curse.

and then you'll research subtly nuanced foreign language idioms and write whiny blogs as though you know what you're doing (though you're actually clueless when it comes to both).

ma kuradi igatsen sind, minu varandus.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

be still, my butt

you'll be okay. you are okay. you've been okay this whole time.

all the preparation this time will be better than every other time, because you've practiced and learned and intentionally grown. the layovers this time will be shorter (but not too short, because you thought of that), the airports will be kinder to you (minge põrgu, Шереметьево!), and you have more friends there now than ever. also, you have fewer enemies there than you did the last two times you went.

you're worried about matters here, like a new roommate (or apartment?), and debt, and two weeks delinquency from your nascent career opp. you're pushing harder this week toward your goals than you have in a long time. you're spending too much time with people and not enough with Rocky Patel & Klipsch & Farknucks. you've got, uh... idk what else. new soap. such life change. wow.

so, maybe you just need a social break. maybe you need some time to yourself.
or, maybe you need to stop striving for a bit. put your goals on the shelf for an evening.

maybe you need moar hug.

whatever it is, even if you don't get it you'll be fine. not like omg superfine but the "chill; you're on the right path" kind. mellow out. do some fav drugs. get to bed on freakin' time for the 3rd night in a row. (eff yeah!)

and for peace' sake, get a tan. you look ridiculous.

Wednesday, June 01, 2016


hi friends & family :)

over the past 7ish years, my pasión for photography has provoked several of you not only to pay me handsomely (despite my standard fee of $0 + travel expenses), but also to refer me to your own friends & family. i've come to the point now where my not-business has outgrown my casual approach. this is not a bad thing, but it requires me to make some changes.

my circumstances, plus the advice of some others whose wisdom i trust, are prompting me to come up with pricing for my photographical work. the most important reason for me to do this, is that it will let me prioritize projects and deliver the final product within a reasonable timeline. i'm always eager to see the end results, as all of my clients are (understandably!), and i hate making people wait more than a couple weeks for finished photos.

~ everyone who's currently waiting on me (Andrew and Katie Peterson, Katie Banks, Shawn Johnson, Ciarra Katilina Parra, Siera Marshall, and Madi Unruh): i will do my best to work through these ASAP! no more than 5 minutes will elapse between me finishing those pics, and me sending them to you.

~ everyone i shoot for in the future: any work for which i charge, will be prioritized. i'll schedule not just the shoots themselves but also the day i plan to send you the goods. it may not be a short turnaround every time, but at least you'll have an expected date right off the bat, and i'll have some structure to help me manage my time & energy.

's all i got for now... details forthcoming. THANK YOU everyone who has expressed appreciation for what i do, and thank you especially for appreciating the way i do it... and, thank you most of all for [still!] being patient. ;)