"HE'S CASTING! EVERYONE DOWN-"
oh, shut up. hell's bells...
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it's true that, as someone who has passed all the way through Christianity, i've acquired a certain self-preservational instinct. self-preservatory. ugh stop effing redlining me, blogger... you don't know things. sorry, readers. self-preserving ... ? oh yeah you like that. COME AT ME BLO
it's true that, as someone who has passed all the way through Christianity, i've acquired a certain act-in-my-own-best-interests-ness. at the same time, though, i've retained several qualities that would be considered Christlike if things had not become different. and now that i think about it in that light, i realize that in my conversation with Shawn about how i treat women, i never once tried to use my religious upbringing as an explanation, even though some of my stories directly referenced church experiences. huh.
back to the apology at hand: i erred. don't you love it when those British types say "erred" and it rhymes with curd, and bird? except their accent makes it "uhhhhd." õõõd. sorry again. in the recent past, i made an error. i said this thing...
first: don't ask for something without knowing what it's really like.
second: then don't let go
...and then i hwined & hwined about blah blah excruciating yada yada. and at the time of the writing, sure: i was pleading on my own two behalves. sure: i'm a bit twitchy now, after being intensely pursued and then discarded many times. sure: i've blogged pages and pages, and written lame / lyrically dumb songs about the pain. #booeffinghoo
but the truths are these: first, that that attitude doesn't fit who i want to be. second, that i should be warning peeps for their own sake, not mine. Mab strike me down if i ever plead on my own bewhole again, especially in regard to burnination. *chin-thrusty-glares at self*
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the weird thing about break-ups and [whatever a platonic break-up is called... burnination for now, i guess]s, is that it's entirely possible for one to break up with someone and still hurt and feel regret after initiating it. Alexa was in tears over it on several occasions, the first of those months before our relationship ended. Llaura genuinely missed me while cheating on me and, many months later, tried to talk with me again in person, for some reason expecting me to desire friendship again (and genuinely desiring friendship herself). others, having ceased to show any sign of life on their side of the respective friendships, would still make occasional eye contact and therein reveal the pain of separation they were feeling.
it may seem to many people that i'm walled off, socially, but the truth is i'm an open book for those who truly wish to know me. Google, anyone?? i hide nothing here (except perhaps the tawdry, sordid details; i prefer to speak in theme and metaphor, not because i'm afraid but because the surface stuff doesn't really matter). and one of the benefits of being an open book is that i always have a ready outlet for emoting. the downside of that is, others who have no such public diary seem even more walled off than i do to others. in other words, if you don't express yourself as openly and fully as i do, i subconsciously assume that behind your walls, nothing whatsoever is happening.
the truth, if my bridge-buddies are to be believed, is the opposite. still waters and suchlike. that certainly seems to be the case here.
and because that is the case, and because i have realized it to be the case, i have come to appreciate the value to others of withholding from them. by holding back, by keeping some distance, i reduce or remove their future pain. i can say with certainty that i would have caused a great deal less grief to them if i had never become close in the first place.
so, yes... there is a particular safety in never getting close to me.
you'll never have to feel regret or longing for what/whom you eventually abandon. you never have to feel any guilt for causing me pain. you never have even a slight inclination to read my shamefully pathetic hwimperings for months after our friendship ends (or, if you do read them, you don't care about them). you never unfollow, unsubscribe, or delete old pictures or all of our messages at once. you never alienate me by trying to raise our undead friendship.
i think i have decided. i'm about 95% committed to unwithholding, at this point. that said, there's still time to get off of the ground floor of something big, while the 5% is shrinking.
fair warning, fair lady.
with all that out of the way, i can say this other thing: though my heartmindsoulthing is at 95%, i really feel as though i've not gone far out of my way for you. what's the most i've sacrificed in one swoop? a few hours of sleep? that doesn't even count; i got way more out of it than i gave. what, then? a few cups of coffee? same answer. gas?? come on. that's probly your effing $10 in the just-the-tip bucket right now. >:(
part of me believes this friendship will always be just slightly out-of-balance. it isn't a bad thing. i don't prefer to receive more than i give but i can allow it, to some small degree. for now. anyway, i hope you finish this with a deep sense not of forgiveness but of retroactive uncrimination (it's better, trust me). i never meant to imply that you had made demands of me, and i certainly never felt that you had done so. not that i would be upset if you demanded something; in fact i'd appreciate it. you're too polite with me. "make me an omelette" should be the feminine analog to "make me a sandwich."
regarding vulnerability and trust: they are certainly two distinct things in my world. as i've mentioned to Sduff lately, 'trust' is one of those troublesome concepts that society has mangled. trust with hwat, exactly?? in common vernacular, 'trust' is mistranslated from 'expect.' they are not synonymous with each other.
- i trust you to be a remarkable friend; i expect you to make mistakes.
- i trust you to be honest; i expect you to sometimes keep secrets (which is certainly your prerogative, and i encourage you to do so when it benefits you).
- i trust you to not hurt me on purpose; i expect you to cause me pain (which is not wrong, and the expectation and allowance of you to do so is certainly my prerogative).
nothing you've done or haven't done has compromised me. as for straining or hurting... i go to the gym to destroy myself so that i can slowly slowly slowly approach (probly not ever reach) an acceptable physical state. i didn't recognize this fully until a few years ago, but all situations in which i feel emotional pain in the context of some relationship, are unique opportunities to grow. i want those. i need them.
okay... almost all. there are some exceptions.
despite being exceptional, you aren't one of them.
lastly: in any case where you desire something, i will quote your master: you do not have because you do not ask. were you not paying attention when you finally admitted you were hungry and i literally lept from my chair to start scrambling those eggs? have i not offered enough invitations? have i not programmed your number to bypass my Do Not Disturb function?
fine. i renew my vow to myself, to be who i have always been and do what i have always done. and if i'm very successful i may even manage to convince you that i enjoy it. even if that doesn't happen, i would encourage you to make demands of those things which you know i'll say yes to, and to make bold requests of those things about hwich you're uncertain of my response. loving you means the opposite of giving anything begrudgingly, and as wonderful as it is to receive from you, i crave the giving even more. that's one of the other reasons i read your post three times.