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Friday, June 12, 2015

arise

i've done something to my brain, and i need to document it.

almost every workday for the past few weeks has included significant overtime. if i had an office job, or my old inspection job, this wouldn't be a big deal. but i'm doing field service work now, in the Fresno heat wave, which means i'm on my feet doing intense mental and physical work with occasional short respites between tasks.

when i finish a task earlier than expected, i pick up another one. some days i end up with 3 or 4 additional things to do, and while i do kick ass in some cases, others drain me dry and still won't yield the results i needed. these are particularly hard on me because i feel discouraged and defeated at the end of the day. every attempt to resolve an issue feels wasted if it doesn't result in total success.

after work i fulfill obligations i've made. some of them are fun. most are not exactly restful. i work out regularly (which i am proud of), i spend time actively listening to friends (which is good for everyone), i do chores at home (i'm a lot better about this lately), i visit family. i go grocery shopping.

the problem is that i hardly ever do nothing anymore, and after a few weeks of this new 'routine,' i feel dead. the other day i felt so motivated to get stuff done that i went to Winco even though i could barely move. i almost fell asleep at the 'wheel' of the shopping cart.'

but that's all by way of explanation. the thing i've done to my brain... i haven't exhausted it (well i have, but that's not a huge realization, and hardly blog-worthy even if it were). this is what i've done to my brain:

my boss Mike sent a text message to his team of technicians (including me) just now, asking if anyone wanted overtime.

i instantly felt motivated to go out and do whatever solar-related thing he hadn't even described yet. did i feel a new surge of energy? a second wind? no; i still felt ready to sleep for nine hours straight. but simultaneously, i felt an instinctive set of responses rising: go. do. resolve. work.

i almost went. in the middle of my bleary-eyed attempt to finish some side-work for my ex-boss, with laundry still to finish before i go to bed and get up around 4am tomorrow to drive 4 hours north to Chico for a pro bono photoshoot that i already had to delay a day because of tiredness... with nothing yet prepared for my third trip to Estonia next Thursday... with pics from Michelley's engagement shoot two weekends ago still sitting unedited on my hard drive... on a fucking Friday night after another long workday in the 100°+ weather...

i almost responded to Mike with a "what's the situation? i'll be ready in five."

~     ~     ~

this is very good for my overall energy level; i have more motivation to do what needs to be done, at work and at home.

it's also very good for my bank account.

it's not who i want to be.