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Saturday, February 28, 2015

it went to the swamp

people want to know if i come to Estonia because of you. 

it was true once; you were my primary reason for coming here. but then i found myriad other happinesses, and things at home collapsed (like an age of prosperity desiccating into a rather picturesque & macabre bygone era)... and you dropped off the map, mostly because reasons (but also mostly because emotions, as well as lack thereof). and at some point, King Andrew asked how much of my motivation to move there came from you. i remember replying sardonically.

"about 5% currently, but it changes based on how she's feeling, and what she wants."

right now you're somewhere around -10%. it would be easier to move here if i knew you would be gone. 

so why am i still trying? why didn't i give up? if nothing else, the hug last night should have convinced me. it didn't feel like a total stranger; it felt like some distant relative greeting me at a family gathering, someone whose name i recognize, but with whom i have only a coincidental affiliation (like genetics). and then that kiss on the cheek... that one felt like someone trying to fucking sell me something. #iscariot

so now i know for sure that i'm a masochist. and that, apparently, i'm actually worse at letting go after things like divorce and danica. but maybe this is different because i want this more than i wanted those things. i guess the why doesn't matter.

~     ~     ~

that's not something isaiah would ever have uttered; but i find myself falling back on it repeatedly recently. it doesn't matter why you can finish a long argument with someone else, but have to walk away from me after three sentences. it doesn't matter why you can't handle me being upset at you, as if i'm not allowed to have feelings or opinions different than yours. it doesn't matter why you claim to care but act like you hate me. it doesn't matter why you only speak and never truly listen, why you think your side is the only side, or why you now want closeness with others but not me. those whys don't matter; only the way things are matters.



i simultaneously must act, but cannot do anything. i have felt worse things (i am currently feeling worse things), but i've never felt anything more agitating. in the past, i never understood why anyone would burn or cut themselves. it was almost fun last night, to suddenly get it. like the Matrix, when Neo learns kung fu in about five seconds.

tangent. enivei, i'm only writing this to maybe relieve pressure. and for reflection. that's probably the only why that matters.