but more than that, i want you to want to tell me. and it's hard to just accept that that desire is gone somewhere, somehow. it was so strong, and the smallest things gave me so much happiness, little conversations, sunset pictures, "come here"s, angry faces, recordings, even broken phone calls.
but more than that, i want you to actually be my friend. thinking of someone, even positively, doesn't make a friendship. despite finally having a 'good' conversation again, i still don't really know what you want. or why you want it.
you spoke to me first (i mean in the very beginning). and whenever i stopped talking, you re-kindled our conversation, even if years had passed. when you messaged me in 2012, you had to do so twice to get a real response from me, but you kept talking. i lacked anything good; my whole inner world was dark, and you still wanted a peek inside.
you broke through my apathy and exhaustion, and tangled your thoughts and feelings with mine, and the tangle grew dense and bright and started giving off its own heat, and i was enlivened, and i don't understand how that can all vanish so suddenly.
i don't understand how you can be okay with this happening to me, as if we never exchanged more than a few comments on each other's blogs. as if we never changed each other's lives.
and i don't know how to accept the way things are, without you