i wanted to open those gifts but i thought, "no, it isn't Christmas yet; she'll probably make me wait until then, and she'll be so angry if i even touch them before Christmas day." and then i woke up, and it felt nice because we had spent time together and you had bought a gift not only for me but for my siblings... but then i felt so angry, because now i'll never know what was inside those. >:(
~ ~ ~
brandon asks me how i'm doing. he frequently offers to help me with stuff that he shouldn't have to worry about at all, and he's always paying attention, so he usually knows exactly when to offer help and has a good idea of how to do so. i don't always enjoy his company, but that's because there's something very wrong with me, and not because of anything to do with him.
elisa was born in the wrong year... or perhaps i was. she's that friend with whom i was meant to spend fifteen times as much time as i have so far, and i am waiting eagerly for some future time when she and i aren't hindered. we will drink things, eat things, listen to musicks, and talk for hours. there may not be many words per minute (relatively) but that's okay with us. when i think about elisa, i usually smile because how can anyone think about elisa and not smile??
mari-liis is positive, all the time. she is honest with herself and others about crappy circumstances, but she has a silver lining tattoo on each eye. i don't know why i trust her enough to encourage me, since we've spent only a few hours together, but i do somehow.
caleb and allison ask me when we're hanging out next. i don't know what to tell them because i honestly don't feel like being with anyone lately (except for a few people who don't live close enough to hang out), but they show friendship to me consistently. caleb can be an excellent listener in the right circumstances, and allison's sharp mind + good heart = excellent friend.
marika and i think on a similar wavelength. it's common for us to happen upon common ground multiple times during even the most casual conversation, and she also checks up on me like brandon does, once in awhile. she asks me excellent questions that make me think and help both of us understand me.
ollu... well he is very special. i love that he is so quick to share his thoughts with me, and to tell me he misses me. he has so much love for people it's kind of worrying. and so much ability that he underestimates in himself. i am very picky about friends but i knew halfway through my stay with him that i could easily room with him long-term.
lady frost is someone i can depend upon to truly know me. i can say anything to her at any time, knowing that she will pick it up as if we're in the middle of the conversation already. in a way i feel like she's always with me, even though she's farther from me than she's ever been. i am comforted by her words of encouragement throughout the time we've been friends, and she makes me feel like maybe i could even make more friends in the future. (it's not an easy feeling for me to feel.)
but you? you just make me hurt.
~ ~ ~
sometimes people hurt each other, especially people who are close to one another. given enough time, and closeness, two people will hurt each other, even if they try their hardest not to.
...but that is all you do to me. yet i continue hanging on. i still offer myself, still wait for late/early calls, still stand by, ready to be or do or say anything for you. i finally understand the truly dangerous side of what it means to be hooked, what it means to have a monster. i finally understand this: that while i may spend my entire life trying to define friendship and never complete that task, i do know how to rule it out. i know what it isn't.
you just make me hurt. why should i call that 'friendship'?