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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

defining moments

you invaded my dreams again. this time you came to visit me. there was some strange event happening over the weekend, but you weren't very interested in it, so instead of meeting up with my friends, we wandered around the outside of it. you decided to have some fun making me uncomfortable, like old times. then we went back to the place i was staying, and i discovered that you had brought Christmas presents for me, jesse, leah, and indrek (why you brought his present, i have no idea).

i wanted to open those gifts but i thought, "no, it isn't Christmas yet; she'll probably make me wait until then, and she'll be so angry if i even touch them before Christmas day." and then i woke up, and it felt nice because we had spent time together and you had bought a gift not only for me but for my siblings... but then i felt so angry, because now i'll never know what was inside those.  >:(

~     ~     ~

brandon asks me how i'm doing. he frequently offers to help me with stuff that he shouldn't have to worry about at all, and he's always paying attention, so he usually knows exactly when to offer help and has a good idea of how to do so. i don't always enjoy his company, but that's because there's something very wrong with me, and not because of anything to do with him.

elisa was born in the wrong year... or perhaps i was. she's that friend with whom i was meant to spend fifteen times as much time as i have so far, and i am waiting eagerly for some future time when she and i aren't hindered. we will drink things, eat things, listen to musicks, and talk for hours. there may not be many words per minute (relatively) but that's okay with us. when i think about elisa, i usually smile because how can anyone think about elisa and not smile??

mari-liis is positive, all the time. she is honest with herself and others about crappy circumstances, but she has a silver lining tattoo on each eye. i don't know why i trust her enough to encourage me, since we've spent only a few hours together, but i do somehow.

caleb and allison ask me when we're hanging out next. i don't know what to tell them because i honestly don't feel like being with anyone lately (except for a few people who don't live close enough to hang out), but they show friendship to me consistently. caleb can be an excellent listener in the right circumstances, and allison's sharp mind + good heart = excellent friend.

marika and i think on a similar wavelength. it's common for us to happen upon common ground multiple times during even the most casual conversation, and she also checks up on me like brandon does, once in awhile. she asks me excellent questions that make me think and help both of us understand me.

ollu... well he is very special. i love that he is so quick to share his thoughts with me, and to tell me he misses me. he has so much love for people it's kind of worrying. and so much ability that he underestimates in himself. i am very picky about friends but i knew halfway through my stay with him that i could easily room with him long-term.

lady frost is someone i can depend upon to truly know me. i can say anything to her at any time, knowing that she will pick it up as if we're in the middle of the conversation already. in a way i feel like she's always with me, even though she's farther from me than she's ever been. i am comforted by her words of encouragement throughout the time we've been friends, and she makes me feel like maybe i could even make more friends in the future. (it's not an easy feeling for me to feel.)

but you? you just make me hurt.

~     ~     ~

sometimes people hurt each other, especially people who are close to one another. given enough time, and closeness, two people will hurt each other, even if they try their hardest not to.

...but that is all you do to me. yet i continue hanging on. i still offer myself, still wait for late/early calls, still stand by, ready to be or do or say anything for you. i finally understand the truly dangerous side of what it means to be hooked, what it means to have a monster. i finally understand this: that while i may spend my entire life trying to define friendship and never complete that task, i do know how to rule it out. i know what it isn't.

you just make me hurt. why should i call that 'friendship'?

Tuesday, November 04, 2014


why is it that sometimes, when i need a hug, i want that hug only if it's from a specific person?

what about conversations? why is it that sometimes, even without needing to talk about any specific thing, i still only want to talk to a specific person? and how can this preference change from day to day, or even more than once in a day?

what causes me to want someone's friendship for a time, and then to stop wanting that person's friendship? aside from obvious things like consistent mistreatment, or a revelation of some undesirable trait, why do i stop? and why do i attach so strongly to some people, even to the point of giving them an allowance for crappy treatment (which is distinct from sacrificing something of myself for their benefit)?

why does my rationale desert me when i am most in need of it?

this is one of the answers to at least one of the questions above, but i'm so tired that i don't know which: i am tired of working hard for next to nothing. i am tired of taking responsibility for everything bad that happens in a relationship, tired of being the bigger person, tired of trying to be a mature adult, tired of working against anger and jealousy and selfishness. i am tired of trying to be a good influence, a positive presence, a blessing. i am so tired, and have been for so long, that i've already abandoned a dozen people for whom i once actively cared.

i'm tired of trying to be a good friend, especially when there are so few nearby. i know i'm not alone, but i'm tired of feeling alone.

part of me wants 2013 back. the rest of me knows better but doesn't have much hope for the future anyway, and all of me wishes that what i want and what i need didn't overlap so much.