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Sunday, September 21, 2014


for a few moments it held the same calm colour as Tallinn's summer night, and i was transported again, against my will like always. 

i miss you painfully

uneffingconditional positive regard

there is nothing you can do to change the way i feel about you. i don't mean my emotions, and i don't mean my opinion of you either... although that is and has been quite high for a very very long time (since the beginning). what i mean is that, in my mind, no matter what i'm feeling about you or us or whatever, i will always think fondly and admiringly of you, and you cannot ever change that. pain doesn't change it, nor anger, frustration, or grief. i do feel those sometimes... but they don't remove the good feelings. nor do they trump them.

from the very first words you ever typed to me, i was excited to talk with you. i knew that we were going to have, at the very least, some interesting and valuable conversations. what you gave me after that was so much more... you exceeded my already-good expectations by several degrees of magnitude. i had no idea the amount of joy, love, warmth, life you would grant me.

all of the things that wise people spend their whole lives chasing after, wishing for, hoping for-- that's what you have been to me, even if it was only for a while. genuine laughter, and smiles that hurt my cheeks. trust. vulnerability. affection and kindness. generosity. hope.

lastly (for now): even though i'm so grateful for all of these things, remember that i don't love you for what you have done for me. also, i don't love you for what might happen in the future. i don't love for you any reason except for who you are and always will be to me. i love you no matter what the circumstances or the nature of our friendship, no matter what has happened or will happen or is happening as i type this.

that means i'm on your side, forever. you can't get rid of me by hurting me, or neglecting me, or wronging me. you can't make me dislike you. you can't make me have a negative attitude toward you.

basically the only thing you can do is accept it.

so... do that.

preferably daily. but i'll take whatever i can get.

Friday, September 19, 2014


it turns out 'brain tattoo' was not a strong enough phrase. it's more like a symbiont: a pulsing, voracious thing feeding me double doses of dopamine daily, and calling it 'rent.'

at first i examined its behaviours in hopes of finding a weakness to exploit, something that would give me the power to evict it. currently i'm in a phase of hopeless acceptance, so now my analysis continues only because i enjoy analysis and knowledge itself. my symbiont may be my enemy, but that makes it no less intriguing.

actually, i take that back. part of the reason i study it is to find new coping methods. if you can't beat what's joined you, find ways to function adequately despite it. and i am exaggerating only slightly when i say i've tried everything. with some effort (and a small sacrifice), i can wall away my awareness of it for a brief time; failing that, i can try facing it directly after a full night's good rest, or after a great workout. then my strength is greater.

otherwise my consciousness bows to it, and neither cursing aloud nor distracting myself availeth. (that's ye olde fancy Christianese for "they don't do shit.")

i admitted to Marika today that i have a tendency to emotionally constipate myself. i have a few friends who would listen well, were i to vent, but i hesitate to repeatedly burden or bother them with something so seemingly immature, so pathetic. i'm literally metaphorically wasting away endlessly because i'm perpetuating my own hunger by feeding it just enough to keep wanting more. not that it's artificial-- in fact it's quite natural-- but i know that if i stopped feeding it, it would die. i just can't do it.

even as an emaciated, tired old brute, Zzyzx has a certain appeal. it simultaneously lays claim and lays waste to my affections, and asserts its dominance as if by divine right: humbly, inexorably. it tortures me with false hopes and calls the torture 'sustenance.' it brings me worn out visions long gone, wishes it cannot grant, secrets it cannot tell; it gorges itself on the food i have already digested, polishes and enshrines even the vaguest of memories, and builds the same fucking sandcastle in the same fucking spot every day so that i can watch it wash out to sea over and over again.

and its reply to my invectives? it asks, quite calmly (and smugly), "do you regret your choices?"

i've gone back and forth with my answer so many times that, despite how necessary that question is, i've come to loathe it. life has thrown me many Gordians, but this one i tied myself... (with help, but that, too, was invited, so... fuck me, i guess.)

every wall i build against it crumbles, and every force i send against it, i myself recall. my mental painting of the young autokrator takes on three-dimensionality as my dreams, asleep and awake, take me up and down the ancient cobblestone roads; or along bright green paths through forests young and old; or from the uneven floor of the kitchen and into the superb window-light streaming läbi kardinate and pooling like silk garments on the ghost haunting the living room, the spare bedroom, the grassy knoll kohviku lähedal...

my dreams kill me slowly and sustain me. pointlessly.

hey, wait... i know what i can do!

complain about it to nobody.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

ghost in the shell


many things have changed. i will describe as many as my mind finds potentially significant to you, not to justify or excuse or even to set your mind at ease, but simply to explain. the use of these explanations, i leave to your discretion.

steph asked me the other day why time spent in person seems more needed now than it did when we [three] were conversing regularly. i thought it interesting, because even though i did want to hang out IRL back then, i often felt satisfied with daily conversation. sometimes we spent hours chatting. i enjoyed much of it; i found almost all of it useful. i believe we shaped each other for the better.

we are not so malleable now. life is more routine, less dynamic. the future of that time was the next day or the next weekend, or at most, the next semester. the future now is our next job, our next big family event, our next vacation. our active friendships back then were greater in number, and more active than our active friendships now. there was so much happening.

also, we didn't know each other as well back then. that time was about learning who we were; now the phrases "remember when..." or "as you know, i..." are spoken almost as often (relatively) as the phrases "this is me" or "who are you??" were spoken back then.

there was more energy and speed to everything, more new or unique content to each day. that has changed.

romance has changed things as well. or, better: romances have changed things. i married, you married, i divorced, steph is dating a very different person now than she was at that time... these are big changes. you and i have spoken about this already. i tend to think that if we three were 100% romantically uninvested, we'd probably have arranged multiple road trips by now.

i tend to think that friendships are very much like any other living things: they have cycles throughout their lifetimes. they have beginnings and endings. the fact that i no longer spend dozens of hours per week with King Andrew, doesn't mean that i couldn't do so again if we suddenly lived in the same city again. but, it's also true that we sometimes spent many days apart, even when we did live near each other. that was never a big deal for us, and i think that's because we wanted the same things out of the friendship we shared.

when two people want two different things out of a shared friendship, then there is tension of some kind, on at least one side, and likely on both. i have written on this before, and i will probably write on it again.

if i ended this post now, i think it would give you enough to chew on. but i should describe what i believe to be the biggest change since the old days. i'll try to be brief. 

(yeah right).

the biggest change is me. i have in some cases almost completely reversed the motivations and beliefs that let me & others know who i was. if you haven't missed any posts, you know this already. and even if you hadn't read this blog at all, i think you would know how different i am, because of Facebook and Skype and a little time spent in person. you also know (with or without this blog) that i've been through some destructive experiences. that doesn't just mean i was in pain; i chose the word 'destructive' with deliberation. parts of me were destroyed.

even if my inspector doesn't arrive here until afternoon, i probably don't have time to fully explain why i have changed. but i can tell you that the biggest change i'm feeling recently is my growing aversion to people.

people are great. many of them are even better people than they were when i wanted to interact with them regularly. but my insides keep getting rewired by significant events and i cannot keep up. currently i am completely avoiding Facebook (notifications, chats, everything) and spending evenings reading and doing chores around the apartment. i've been inside a church twice since May 19th. i do not ask anyone to hang out unless i need Brandon's help figuring something out, and if i initiate a conversation, then it's either 1) with ghost, or 2) an offer of help/care for someone i know is going through something really traumatic.

so, with those exceptions, i don't initiate contact with people. is it lonely? yes; but initiating contact doesn't solve the loneliness problem.

you could point out that i might try solving someone else's loneliness problem, and not my own. but the truth is that even though i care about some people (you, of course, are one) and even though i enjoy some of those people (again, you are one), i don't really believe i can do anything for them, offer them anything in the way of companionship, or truly enjoy their company, electronically or otherwise. if a friend is having suicidal thoughts or feelings, then okay, i have something to offer. but if they're just wondering what happened to me and want to reconnect, my mind immediately responds with this:

"reconnect with what?? i'm an empty shell."

it is an exceedingly strange sensation, to laugh without feeling mirth; to feel cared for but still cold; to know that my food tastes delicious and even groan with gustatory pleasure, but still feel like i might as well be consuming ashes. 

it doesn't make sense to me. it's as though i'm not experiencing my own life, but rather watching it on HDTV. it's like i'm riding around inside a robot me, taking notes on everything that's happening but not truly feeling it.

that's who i am now. an empty shell waiting for its chance to be occupied by a soul again. maybe next year.

Monday, September 01, 2014


could've used this song several times already... whatever. i'm sure i'll need it again