memories of you struck me like lightning: you laughing at something dumb that i did, like tripping over a rise in the floor. you hugging me when you arrive at Oliver's or when i meet you for lunch. you suddenly proclaiming, "i want ice cream!" you smiling for no reason other than that you feel spontaneously happy. you baring your teeth and leaning a little too close for safety. you looking down because you're hesitating to say something. your Italian impression ("spaghetti and-a meat-a-balls!"). you bumping your shoulder against mine, like when lions bump heads. you enjoying a foot massage a little too much. you craning your neck and turning almost 180º in the front passenger seat, just to make eye contact. your "mhh" noise when something small irritates you. you taking that deep breath whenever you switch from the Estonian language to English. you sitting next to me on the bus. you working intently at your desk. you looking embarrassed when i did a cartwheel in public. you falling asleep early on the morning of 06/24. you talking to the frogling (lalludega).
all of these images and experiences flashed through my mind in 3 or 4 seconds, and i actually bent forward as if shouldering a great weight. i guess if i put things on the shelf too many times in a row, then the shelf can break.
if i could give you a well-fitting category for how i feel, i would; but all i know is that nothing ever deters me from my dreams of spending more time with you, getting to know you better, and being known better by you. when you vanish, i don't get bitter at that (at least not that in particular); i just ache. i hyper-reminisce. i blog, since i feel like i shouldn't message you any novels while you're away.
i worry about what conclusions you might come to on your own... conclusions like "this isn't worth it" or maybe "fate repeatedly shows me that we shouldn't try to maintain this friendship" ...or even worse, "isaiah really is an asshole." but i also remember all the times when you gave up at first, but then returned to say, "i don't know what to do, but i want to do it." this touched me, every time.
i've always been the more hopeful one between us; i've also always been the more attached. it puts me in quite a vulnerable position. but it also puts you at an advantage. and of course, if one of us has to be in a safer position... well, my preference should be obvious. when was i ever more important to me than you are?
i've been thinking lately that i might not want to try to hold on so tightly. not because attachment hurts, but because, if you really want to leave (or just be farther away) then maybe i don't want to be close. maybe that stupid saying about setting someone free to see if they love you is actually sort of true. maybe i should not invest more in someone than they have invested in me... because maybe it's foolish.
but then i think, my strong investment in a person is often what inspires them to reciprocate. it would be a big change, at my core, to always give only as much as i get.
...no. i can't do it. it isn't a business relationship. i may be greedy, but i'm not selfish enough to do this "eye for an eye" thing. it just isn't me. besides, i'm super into you.
i miss you and love you, quite fiercely. like, the kind of ferocity that makes people fight for stuff, instead of against. if you love me also, then do me this favor and tell me how i can make you happy, whatever that involves, or doesn't involve.
"but zeizei, it's difficult to figure out what would make me happy."
tough. quit whining; handle that action. i want to know, so that i can contribute. i want many things... but i want this more than anything else, even more than closeness (no matter how inspiring and intoxicating and... elysian that is for me).
i will wait for you. and unlike you, i'm allowed to whine about it.