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Sunday, July 20, 2014

it's my bloggy and i'll whine if i want to

i've been using the company of good friends to take my mind off of you. (i actually dislike being in my own apartment even more now, because i associate it with you, because of all the recent Skyping.) so i'm with Brandon, Devin, and Uncle Greg... and it really isn't working at all.

memories of you struck me like lightning: you laughing at something dumb that i did, like tripping over a rise in the floor. you hugging me when you arrive at Oliver's or when i meet you for lunch. you suddenly proclaiming, "i want ice cream!" you smiling for no reason other than that you feel spontaneously happy. you baring your teeth and leaning a little too close for safety. you looking down because you're hesitating to say something. your Italian impression ("spaghetti and-a meat-a-balls!"). you bumping your shoulder against mine, like when lions bump heads. you enjoying a foot massage a little too much. you craning your neck and turning almost 180┬║ in the front passenger seat, just to make eye contact. your "mhh" noise when something small irritates you. you taking that deep breath whenever you switch from the Estonian language to English. you sitting next to me on the bus. you working intently at your desk. you looking embarrassed when i did a cartwheel in public. you falling asleep early on the morning of 06/24. you talking to the frogling (lalludega).

all of these images and experiences flashed through my mind in 3 or 4 seconds, and i actually bent forward as if shouldering a great weight. i guess if i put things on the shelf too many times in a row, then the shelf can break.

if i could give you a well-fitting category for how i feel, i would; but all i know is that nothing ever deters me from my dreams of spending more time with you, getting to know you better, and being known better by you. when you vanish, i don't get bitter at that (at least not that in particular); i just ache. i hyper-reminisce. i blog, since i feel like i shouldn't message you any novels while you're away.

i worry about what conclusions you might come to on your own... conclusions like "this isn't worth it" or maybe "fate repeatedly shows me that we shouldn't try to maintain this friendship" ...or even worse, "isaiah really is an asshole." but i also remember all the times when you gave up at first, but then returned to say, "i don't know what to do, but i want to do it." this touched me, every time.

i've always been the more hopeful one between us; i've also always been the more attached. it puts me in quite a vulnerable position. but it also puts you at an advantage. and of course, if one of us has to be in a safer position... well, my preference should be obvious. when was i ever more important to me than you are?

i've been thinking lately that i might not want to try to hold on so tightly. not because attachment hurts, but because, if you really want to leave (or just be farther away) then maybe i don't want to be close. maybe that stupid saying about setting someone free to see if they love you is actually sort of true. maybe i should not invest more in someone than they have invested in me... because maybe it's foolish.

but then i think, my strong investment in a person is often what inspires them to reciprocate. it would be a big change, at my core, to always give only as much as i get.

...no. i can't do it. it isn't a business relationship. i may be greedy, but i'm not selfish enough to do this "eye for an eye" thing. it just isn't me. besides, i'm super into you.

i miss you and love you, quite fiercely. like, the kind of ferocity that makes people fight for stuff, instead of against. if you love me also, then do me this favor and tell me how i can make you happy, whatever that involves, or doesn't involve. 

"but zeizei, it's difficult to figure out what would make me happy."

tough. quit whining; handle that action. i want to know, so that i can contribute. i want many things... but i want this more than anything else, even more than closeness (no matter how inspiring and intoxicating and... elysian that is for me).

i will wait for you. and unlike you, i'm allowed to whine about it.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014


i think i've experienced every emotion of which i am capable, in the past 22 hours... thrice each. i've screamed and wept, whispered and spat curses, and used every available distraction. i also went the opposite direction and read letters, held objects of mutual significance, stared at photos, and replayed every memory (good & bad). i've held imaginary conversations as well, and held hands with your ghost as i dragged my feet from place to place.

i've been skipping around between bargain to denial to depression, and then back through those again, never in the same order. it's exhausting. at some point today my whole being heaved a sigh and felt only gratitude for what was shared... but it lasted only a few minutes. i think i'm back in the denial stage, currently. it cannot be over. it seems backwards to think this, but it's as though, at my core, i really believe that nothing so good for me could just end. there's some alternate ending, a hidden chapter that remains to be written still.

i can't snap out of it. feels like there's a child in me insisting that he will eventually get his way no matter what.

simultaneously, the feeling of missing you combined with the fear that things really are over, is making want to vomit. i would have pulled over on the drive back from the job site today, but i really hate vomiting so i just held it in until the feeling passed about half an hour later. i don't remember the last time emotions made me want to vomit.

it's such a bizarre state of mind, to believe that the hell i'm experiencing is a result of our right decisions. i remember all the way back to Christmas 2012, when i first brought up my questions about our friendship and its ramifications. and all the times after that as well. each time, you somehow convinced me that things were fine, that they would work out, that it would end up the way it should... or at least that we shouldn't do anything drastic. and each time, i trusted you a little more, until eventually i brought it up with the expectation that nothing would ever break us.

so, it was too much to handle this time, not just because i felt like i was being slowly ripped in half but because deep down i had expected some kind of compromise. i had expected maybe a short time without much conversation, or something. but instead this. i don't even really know what we actually decided. i couldn't spell it out (not that i want to try). it's vague and queasy and roiling inside me and i don't think i can take it, and i don't know what it means that i can't take it.

what i know for sure is that you will have to really hold your ground on this one, because i can't be content with these blog posts forever. eventually i will have to speak more freely and directly. by then perhaps you'll have developed enough of a callous on your heart that i won't affect you much.

your words matter to me. your thoughts and feelings matter to me. i crave them no less than i ever have-- perhaps more, now. your care for me matters to me, even though you're just feeling it instead of acting on it. i...

i cannot move on. maybe in my daily routine i can find a way to function at full capacity (in a logistical sense). maybe i can find a way to convince people i'm okay, at some point. maybe i can learn how to keep my life moving along this new path i'm choosing.

but i can never let go of you. i just won't. don't expect me to do it, and don't ask me to do it. i won't let you go.

shit again-- or, what love is

the word love is like the word beauty, because even though everyone agrees that it exists, no one can write a complete and final definition that satisfies all. i have pursued it (love) for more than a decade, not only to figure out what it is, but to live it... to be it. originally, i believed that the best definition came from my spirituality, my Christianity.

i still think that definition is the most important one... but that's kind of like saying that a recipe has a most important ingredient. it still needs all the others. forgetting the flour when making cookies can be bad, but try to make cookies from only flour, and see how far that gets you.

so, i don't want to relegate patience and kindness and selflessness to a lower position, even in light of what i'm learning lately. but i do want to add some important ingredients, not just to my understanding of love, but to the way i live it. and since i've been changing so much lately, i feel i should document that change. i feel i should say what love is, to me.

"isaiah, you don't have to define something. you could just let it be."

i know that. but i'm not doing this for the satisfaction of analysis. and i'm not doing it just to grow as a person, either. i'm doing it for many reasons, and all of them are important. some of them are purely emotional, which itself is a big change. but it's growing on me somehow. some people make it look really appealing, i think.

love is many things, to me. here are some of the least biblical (yet still very true):

  • feeling self-conscious, but showing yourself to someone anyway, without hiding
  • doing the right thing for someone even when it really hurts
  • being brave for the sake of a friendship, like admitting a fault or flaw
  • inviting someone close, even when it's risky
  • showing kindness to someone's family members
  • staying up late to talk to someone, even on work nights
  • being late to work because you don't want to say goodbye to someone
  • making someone else hang up first because you can't bring yourself to do it
  • being honest about your opinion, even when it might hurt someone's feelings
  • speaking someone else's language, even though it's draining
  • showing & saying that you enjoy something specific about someone
  • being affectionate, even in public
  • following through with plans, even if you feel like cancelling
  • staying to work things out when you would rather run away
  • telling someone you want to be closer to them
  • messaging someone, though it's been days & they haven't replied to your last message
  • sharing your feelings even when they're scary
  • teaching someone a new skill, even though they suck at it
  • dancing with someone who can't dance
  • being possessive of someone, and not apologizing for it
  • distracting someone from other obligations, just because you want their attention
  • inspiring confidence in someone when they don't believe in themselves
  • teaching someone something important about themselves, even when they resist
  • making dinner for someone
  • changing your plans so someone else can enjoy your company instead of missing you
  • missing someone, especially missing someone so much that it physically hurts
  • telling someone you miss them so much that it hurts
  • hand-written letters; and fun gifts like butter knives, honey bears, & photos you took
  • talking to someone every day for weeks, or longer
  • making plans with someone... plans that are months or even years away
  • singing for someone over the phone / sending them a recording of you playing music
  • feeling lonely without someone, even when you're with other friends or loved ones
  • looking for fireflies
  • learning someone's facial expressions, and always paying attention to them
  • bandaging someone's wound, and re-bandaging as needed
  • getting hurt by someone really badly, but then rebuilding trust... more than once
  • making someone happy so that you can be happy that they're happy
  • hurting even when your own life is good, just because someone else is in pain
  • wanting someone all to yourself, and telling them this... more than once
  • not being able to stop thinking about how much you want to hug someone
  • saying goodbye to someone in such a way that they know you aren't happy to say it
  • forgiving someone when they do something that you know they know you hate
  • writing a poem for someone because you feel like it
  • giving someone permission to complain to you, and taking their complaints seriously
  • asking someone to do something for you even though you know they really dislike it
  • biting someone's arm, for fun
  • carefully avoiding someone's weak spots, to show you care
  • learning someone's weak spots so you can take advantage of them just a tiny
  • gently telling someone they hurt you, because you trust them to respond kindly
  • trusting someone before you've met them
  • loving someone before you've met them
  • depending on someone to brighten your day, or your night
  • making fun of someone's height, but then feeling bad and apologizing a lot
  • making fun of someone's height again after apologizing
  • synchronized TV watching
  • giving up your lunch breaks to be with someone
  • disliking something, but trying it again when someone asks you to give it a 2nd chance
  • telling someone to quit their job so they'll have more time for you
  • wearing someone's favorite anything
  • appreciating the hard work someone did, out loud
  • letting a huge smile show on your face just because you're happy to see someone
  • giving someone some of the credit for your own success, even if they didn't do much
  • encouraging someone to take risks because you believe in them so much
  • silencing your phone instead of answering it, so you can be with someone
  • taking off your watch, so you can be with someone
  • hugging someone even after they start to let go
  • hugging someone a second time because they didn't let go of the first hug
  • biting someone's arm really hard, and not releasing them even when they say 'ow!'
  • telling someone to stop doing something because you're enjoying it too much
  • staring at someone because you want to, even when they get weirded out
  • laughing not because something's funny but because someone made you happy
  • loving someone even when they're gone
  • telling someone you love them even when you're not sure what it means
  • loving someone even when you're not sure what it means
  • agreeing not to talk to someone for awhile, but talking to them anyway
  • trusting someone's critique of your work
  • taking someone's warmth
  • touching someone's face
  • feeling freedom to get angry at someone because you trust them
  • wanting to be close even when things with someone are shitty
  • moving closer even when things are shitty
  • taking selfies with someone
  • making someone try new things
  • reading someone's blog, every time they update it
  • using a picture someone took of you, as your profile picture
  • being proud of someone
  • accepting someone even when they make epically bad choices
  • letting someone sacrifice something for you even though you worry about them
  • flipping someone off, but only when you know they'll laugh at that
  • circling someone like a vulture because... uhm, not really sure. but it's love somehow
  • calling someone "asshole" because they are... and because you appreciate it a tiny
  • telling someone you adore them, and meaning it

  • crying because someone is gone
  • cursing and bawling with snot dripping from your nose because someone is gone
  • blogging just because someone is gone
  • not caring about anything anymore because someone is gone
  • expressing emotions that should probly be hidden instead, when someone leaves
  • missing someone so much that you get angry even though no one did anything wrong
  • missing someone so much that you wish you had some regrets, but having no regrets
  • punishing yourself to feel like it was your fault they left, just to have someone to blame
  • being bitter because you know your artificial anger can't last
  • feeling dumb because you know your bitterness is also kinda forced
  • not knowing what to do anymore, about anything, at all, because someone is gone
  • being impelled to move but only wandering because no path leads to someone

Tuesday, July 08, 2014


i'm'a pull a Sensei right now and quote myself, because this thing that just came to me is super useful.

"romance: all of the closenesses i want, which cannot be provided by a male." - the great IM

possibly i'll update this post repeatedly, adding definitions as i discover them. a slow but vital process. stupid word... i'm simultaneously relieved, and angry at it for hiding for so long. #TAKETHAT #winning