~ ~ ~
Brandon congratulated me last night. he was sipping a jack'n'coke, and i was finishing off my second long island, and i had just explained to him what i'm about to explain to you. er... to this blog. i don't actually know who my audience is, at this point. i guess part of me still feels like i'm not alone.
here's what i explained to him: detachment is a two-way street.
blogging had become for me such a natural thing-- and honestly, i liked it that way. i intended that. but it established half of a connection and i completely forgot that it had done so. who in their right mind would try to detach from someone while remaining vulnerable to them? and why did it take so long for me to realize that this blog was keeping me vulnerable? it seems ridiculously obvious in hindsight.
pouring out my heartmind here was a great idea... when vulnerability and intimacy were the goals. but Thursday of last week pushed me over the edge. that hug was the straw that broke my back. #irony
so now i am really alone, and laughing at myself for the mistake of keeping open channels to the people from whom i needed to flee. sooo much irony... or maybe paradox. i sometimes find the two canoodling.
something prompted me to say "it's nothing personal," as i thought back to D's question yesterday morning. "did you block me from reading your blog?" ...but i discarded that response, because the truth is the opposite: it is entirely personal and nothing else. and still so practical at the same time.
i should record my progress in this new attempt at peace.
i still feel remarkably free. and empty. and alone.