well, the process is nearly done, at least with regard to making a cooperative decision. talk about mixed feelings: anxiety all through my core, and into my throat. a foretaste of relief. longing for past blessings. a sharp, cold ache for what's probably permanently lost. and when i think about the possibility of leaving, i feel a dull disinterest, maybe because i expect nothing can compare with the journey i've enjoyed here.
even apart from my selfish desires, i would wish for you to move on from all things past. to shape something completely new, instead of trying to fix what's broken. it would be arrogant of me to prescribe anything while knowing so little, but i know that there's so much more and better in store for you, and even though it seems i will give you not one particle of that, i still want just as much for you to have it all. i want all good things for you, no matter where they come from. i would rather you have them sooner than later, because you are important to me. i care about you as fervently as i ever have.
tomorrow i'll find out whether that matters at all, and whether it makes any sense to continue. (not sure i have much choice at the heart level, but it isn't as though i'll ever give up the battle for that unruly element of me.)
tomorrow i'll find out whether anything can be rebuilt. i'm ashamed to say a small portion of me hopes not, because it is so tired of opposing something so massive, of trying to unravel something so well woven.
inertia 1, honey badger 0.
this post's alternate title: broken record record record
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i've tried so many times to distill what i want to say to you, but something original emerges each time, half-formed and riddled with unanswerable questions. as a result, i'll request that you speak first, because otherwise i'll do that thing where i try to move several directions at once. (turns out that method of locomotion is ineffective.)
i don't even know what to pray for. that alone should give you a good enough idea of how messed up this situation is.
within me these things brawl incessantly: anger, disappointment, gratitude, determination, listlessness, despair, apathy (mostly just gets in the way instead of throwing punches), and so on. i don't think it matters much which wins, as long as i do what's right.
i hate it when sorting through right and wrong things leaves me with remainders that don't fit in either basket. i hate that so much.
please forgive me if i mess up or fall short tomorrow. please don't leave with any loose ends dangling or lights of hope flickering or shadows of pain fluttering. this needs cleanup. maybe it won't end well but it can at least end definitively. i hope for that, for both of us. i know i need it.
if i could ask only one question: "what do you need?" but i'm thinking i don't have whatever that is.