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Tuesday, November 26, 2013


to paint them, i used bleach, not dye
to match the friendly shades that haunt and colour me:
weeping willow, golden oak, and evergreen
each in its season, fairest company, as far as
the grounds where my needs would need to be buried

rosy-cheeked, with an envious eye,
Selûne is, for once, less pale than i:
my mirror, ever a sympathetic ear,
she prophesies my passing, with help from
her younger sisters, seen in sea and sky

i long to learn this one lesson:
a life lived many moments at a time
will likely lead me to overlook
the elusive meaning behind leaving my past behind:
that my location matters much less than my movement

i'll not romanticize with epithets
anyone's comings or goings. i'll not regret them.
no remorse for taking shelter, fruit, or support,
nor for risking life or limb. instead, i'll take steps
to honour my own fitting and proper death.

and if i make so bold, as to cover 
these corpses with rich loamy earth, or flowers, 
or candlelight-- that is, if i try to beatify
this empty husk... then, i'd like my malogy
to consist of these few most truthful words:

here, isaiah lies.

Sunday, November 03, 2013

muscle failure

pretending to feel the opposites of whatever i'm actually feeling, is one of the most draining things ever. i am adding this to the list of reasons why i want to leave.

essencia ii

well... i've tried everything. my current audio book, spiced rum, the usual mental tricks, stretching, my sleepytime playlist, my happy place... even the warm fuzzy that comes from expressed mutual care. nothing has worked; so, i might as well blog.

that extra hour i'm supposed to get tonight is a pretty good joke. i haven't been to church in 3 weeks; i've been sleeping in, even though i probably should've been arriving early to coach the AVT. but this week, i have to leave the house even earlier than normal, and it's 1[2]:47a and i can't sleep. oh, p.s. - i can't listen to my mourning piano playlist on Spotify, because it's linked to my facebook account, which i've deactivated for the same reason i have to be up early todarrow.


~     ~     ~

i saw this movie with Rabbi Evian Wade, whose passion for and education in cinema arts makes seeing movies double worthwhile. of course we had high hopes (though not necessarily expectations) for this somewhat controversial Nebula Award winner adaptation. i dunno about Evan's, but mine were met. intense throughout; edge-of-seat excitement, dramatic tension, contemplative moments, a strong natural aesthetic... well done. but none of those elements were what brought me near to tears.

yea, i know: i get emotional about seemingly random things. but each time, there's something of personal significance that's wrenching at me. it isn't just chemical imbalance and lack of sleep. it's something important to me. in this case, it was loyalty.

Andrew Ender Wiggin inspires others to follow him even though his commanding officer tries to make the rest of the students hate him. Ender's boldness, out of place in what initially appears to be a slightly-built baby-faced wallflower, quickly earns the respect of strangers and even some enemies. and when, after the climactic moment, he sprints (almost stumbling) to his room in an attempt to escape the horror of what has happened, his 'crew' follows.

they say very little, which makes Petra's words all the more powerful: "let me stay with him." and the rest of the crew simply looks on as Ender is laid in his bed. their faces aren't particularly expressive; it didn't take any genius acting from any of them. the context, the story, supplied most of what was needed, and their silence actually spoke quite loudly, and made my face scrunch up. the human race looked at him as a hero; his commanders were stunned, and applauded him.

but his crew, his teammates, his friends: they adored him.

their devotion... i don't even... ugh.

~     ~     ~

i had no clue how to truly prepare for marriage, before i was married. but now, with these nifty retrospectacles (and with the help of some needwanted friends who are setting the bar), so much of my romantic dream is congealing into a discernible shape, with textures and colours that make me weep... even in a public theater. an itemized list would probably be quite long, were i to detail the 'perfect' significant other... but, essencia seems to be a fairly simple recipe, based on what i've learned so far. and this movie helped me realize what one of those ingredients is.

i want someone who is on my side; whose heartfelt care for me is unwavering; who would run to my aid almost instinctively, rather than as an act of reason or practicality or even principle. that would be an immeasurably precious trait in my other. it would be endless warmth. it would surely move me to perfect stillness.

sometimes i glimpse it, in its platonic form, and isaiah (quite annoyingly) remarks to me, "this is enough to keep me." to which i never reply, because i know that he'd simply backhand me.

speaking of which, i should probably conclude before he wakes up.

Ender's Game: it should have been longer, and it should have included more growth of relationships (of all kinds) and of the characters themselves. but, it kept my BPM elevated, my brain engaged, and made my heart throb at the right moments. i give it 6.5 out of 9 moon phases.

p.s. if you're a fan of my sneaky writings, follow me on Twitter: @intimacyordeath

...nah just kidding. (but that would be hilarious. and kinda fun. ...okay i'm considering it. don't tell isaiah.)