when you lose all of your progress accidentally (but it's your fault), throwing a tantrum is probably the most appealing option. i did so, and enjoyed it greatly.
but that's done now. i find that listening to sermons usually engages only a small portion of my mind, which leaves the rest clamoring for something to do, which ruins the focus of the small portion. much better to give to the bored portion something interesting and productive to do.
today i am thankful for a quiet wireless portable keyboard.
the italicized portion below is the part of my post that was not lost.
what i want in life is changing.
the essentials will always remain: music (creating, savoring, learning), time with myself, journaling, photography (my first camera was 0.8 megapixels... technology is insane), people who take interest in my life, people who care for me, people for whom to care, the pursuit of greater love (more consistent, more universal, more inherent)... but i am surprised by some of the content of my recent daydreamings.
as i review my original intent for this writing, i find i'm not ready for disclosure yet. instead i want to talk about detachment.
a couple years ago (in my previous chapter), and even up to about 8 months ago, i was deeply entrenched in some all-consuming commitments. youth ministry, music ministry, marriage, and a few other smaller voluntary obligations had claim on all of my resources, with none left over for any additional pursuits. often my account was overdrawn (energy-wise), especially because i was very unhealthy and often ignored my own boundaries for the sake of achieving my goals.
now, i am healthier than i've been since high-school (and in some ways healthier even than that). in ministry, i am still active but far less needed; in fact, i could suddenly vanish from church entirely and 99.6% of what occurs would remain unchanged. likewise i could vanish from the lives of my friends (which i have done in some cases, but i believe this to be a normal part of life), and in most cases, very little would change in their lives, if anything.
at work, we are finally filling in some of the roles that i took upon myself. and i am unmarried.
i do not expect (or perhaps i simply don't have any clue when to expect) opportunities to reestablish the intensity of my previous commitments. in a few cases, i actually intend that. career-wise, i have always known i would move on from the sustainable energy industry at some point; i simply didn't know when or to where.
i have some ideas now. and those ideas could very easily take me far from here. but that's not the point of this post. the point of this post is that i want them to take me far away from here.
this strikes me as odd. even when i wanted to leave for VUSC, i wanted to come back and visit often (and did so). i have never wanted to completely detach from my home. i don't mean permanently; just that i want a complete severance, temporarily. but perhaps long-term.
almost certainly long-term, in fact. i need freshness; this limbo (transition chapter) is necessary but i need not linger. even when sight-reading, a musician sees a few notes ahead of where he is. i hear hints of a key change, a new stanza, a new movement, a rhythm that more closely matches my heartbeat.
i have been forcefully disconnected from some of the things i love[d] most, and that leaves me free to choose where to be whomever i want doing anything. but the disconnection that frees me is not only practical; it is also emotional. that's what this post is about.
detachment is unpleasant; i detect traces of resentment still, even after the hard, hard work i've done. i detect jealousy, bitterness, anger, impatience, sullenness, even occasional self-pity.
i am not content with this. feels like a hangnail.
so i will clip it. just as soon as i save up several thousand dollars.