sunshine full moon cool breeze through the palm trees (i love that susurrus) and wow... i don't remember ever experiencing the jacarandas in full bloom, though socal was my other home for three years. the freedom to go anywhere and do anything, and the pleasant company of many friends, and so many great shots to take that i've probably missed 90% of them, despite having my camera[s] ready even while driving.
no matter what career i end up in, i doubt i'll ever enjoy my work life as much as my personal life... but i would gladly work two jobs for awhile if it meant i could taste this kind of freedom more often. with my critical self in the backseat, i find myself strongly considering it.
that sense of kairos has intoxicated me again. i know my limits; i shouldn't be driving like this. so i'm blogging instead. and it will take considerable effort to keep the purple prose roses well pruned. so be it; i'm caffeinated and Overtonated and ready for what my river47 friends would call the 10:30 hour, during which time i am excessively self-connected and somehow enjoying it rather than longing for sleep.
tonight's companions are klipsch, an unsweetened triple-shot, emancipator ("soon it will be cold enough")... and Chip, whose subtle presence this weekend has anchored me in the kind of withness that defies distance (something of which i am in great need lately). the location is downtown Buena Park, and i wish my friend[s] could have stayed with me. i wish i could have stayed another night. or week. or year.
but i cannot. and blogging helps me move on. so here i am. please forgive the uncentered tildes; i will have to fix them later, since blogger recently saw fit to disallow inline HTML tags inside the iOS app.
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i understand that my altered mentamotional state is causing me to speak and act differently. i both approve and disapprove. i don't get to be this me this often, so despite the dangers, i will embrace it (to a degree).
i crave everything i experienced this weekend. all of it should happen every weekend, at greater magnitude. granted that some things ached... but this is inevitable in a life filled with both joys and other free-willed agents. i have not yet learned how to cope with this 100% effectively, but at least i'm not blogging privately anymore. or writing songs that cannot ever be finished. or cussing every hour.
crave. it isn't an exaggeration. i am so driven to remain here, to return here, to build a home here (metaphorically), that i have to be constantly vigilant against myself lest i reveal more of myself than is appropriate. (don't quote that out of context, please.) i am so satisfied by it that i am shivering in spite of the perfect weather (and my well-chosen attire). shivering with satisfaction. i mean that literally.
i can feel some of the next few posts (or themes, at the very least) forming on the horizon, like promises of waves, as i paddle out past the breakers. they have to do (as i have mentioned here before, i think) with needs, of which i am learning much lately. in fact i'll be needing a new word to describe something that i could survive without, but would never choose to forego. i'm learning what drives me, i guess. more importantly, i'm learning (in a visceral, right-brained way, rather than intellectually) that it might be a good idea to give these drives some freedom... that a life of rigorous self-control is only part of a life. there must be more.
that something more will worm its way into my writings even if i do not consciously choose to express it here. in the same way that i automatically reach for my camera (even when i don't have it) when certain people are around, so am i automatically moving to fulfill some deep motivations that are perhaps well-designed. i cannot in good conscience label them only as dangerous any longer.
in light of these recent self-developments, i'll soon be introducing a new guest blogger. his views are different than mine, and i have long opposed them. but now i need them. life as it is forming in this chapter will not form correctly without his help.
his name is james, and he will be speaking on cravings, and how they should shape me. please give him the same attention you would give me, even if he blasphemes against what i may have said in the past (or may be saying even now).
#farewell2paradise #theunknown #bringit