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Saturday, March 16, 2013

on morphing weirdly

you didn't wake me this morning... i had awoken already, to that accursed spring sunshine, and nearby dining room conversation, and perhaps a few non-ghostly notifications. i had already tried in vain to return to La La Land, and so it was no sacrifice to take that first sip of morning coffee and muse over what new poemy might be lurking in my near future.

those few hours of sleep did little for me. but once again the trade-off was beyond worth it.

one of the benefits of my friendship with you, is similar to the benefit of having a blog that's always waiting for me. i've said here before that i need to have an outlet ready, and that's what this blog has always been for me (along with its many inferior yet necessary predecessors). enihuu: my thoughts and feelings come out differently when i am speaking them, as opposed to writing them, just as they come out differently in a letter-form post rather than a reflective post addressed to an undetermined listener.

so: whatever is in me that would not fit well in a writing, is a potential candidate for a conversation instead. and losing that outlet would be devastating; i don't make use of it as often as blogging, but it is just as important. like a tool that has only one specific use, but no other tool can duplicate that use. (are you feeling used yet? good. you are useful; don't forget it.)

all of that said, here's the strange twist that apparently requires a post all its own, to figure out: this time something needed to get in rather than out.

~     ~     ~

i haven't taken my shower yet today; but i did walk by one of the mirrors in our house, on my way to get my keyboard. and when i did, i looked into it, and saw something differently.

i need to explain that i have mostly disliked mirrors, since high-school. they bother me because i need them in order to make myself somewhat more socially acceptable, but i don't want to look at my big nose and unhealthy skin and muddy eyes and pudgy stomach/neck and so on. plus, when i see my face (and sometimes when i don't see it), i am reminded of all my failures, mistakes, evils, shortcomings, et cetera. pictures on the internet are different, and family photos framed on our walls, also... mirrors are accurate. real-time. and the image i see there serves as a focus for all of my self-critiques. i see my face and i cringe.

almost always, i have cringed. occasionally (on those brilliant days you described to me, when the rating is higher than usual), i say, "nice outfit, very black," or "i look very much like myself today." that has always been the best i've said of myself.

today i looked in the mirror, and without a thought or analysis or consideration of any kind, i approved of myself.

even typing those words is difficult for me, because as the left-brain jumps to its feet (from where it had been dozing, on-the-clock), it insists on a full-scale inspection, and resumes its familiar, insidious mutterings of critique & deprecation.

but, for an uncomfortably pleasant instant, i felt as though i were boon and not blight on the world. (not a gift to the world, like the swaggerers say, but rather a bit of relative brightness rather than shadow.) it was almost as though i could have put a green stamp on my [re]birth certificate.

i still don't fully understand or accept this alien experience. i approved of myself?? ...what... ...how...

friend, what have you done to me?

~     ~     ~

you have planted cabbages (nourishing ones) in my yard that i almost can't believe would survive such harsh climate as mine. and the rocks that broke at a word from you, they should have kept this ground barren, even impassable; but your sharp tongue seems well-suited to wasteland gardening. or your teeth perhaps. does müsli have pebbles in it or something?! maybe you drink your favorite wine frozen, and consume the bottle as well.  

all of these musings sway in the wind that whispers, "ah yes... it was indeed the
vein." but they don't bend far enough to touch the ground, nor do they snap.

and i wonder what you have done to me, not only to change me, but to discourage me from resisting these changes. and i wonder if they are permanent or not, and how far they will go. and i wonder if i can thank you enough, ever.

Monday, March 11, 2013

lacuna: elos

never before, in all my life, have my body & heart & mind & soul been so intertwined, so finely, fatefully enmeshed, such that any blessing that falls upon one immediately affects the rest... such that any curse that falls upon one, immediately affects the rest.

such that the deprivation of one is the poverty of the whole. and i marvel that once i would have considered such a fully accomplished integration to be a wonderful victory and growth of character; yet i find it only debilitating. i find that my recent discovery of such a lofty and torturous thing is suddenly far more discouraging than fascinating. i find that my certainty of lifelong weary wanting is actually less the result of logic and more a cowardly wish for release from pointless desires.

it is a letting go, and a stubborn clinging at the same time. i have never been more pathetic, in the most literal sense.

Friday, March 08, 2013

lacuna: reprise

i've discovered & decided (those two often go together for me) that there is something wrong with me beyond what i knew about already. something is sapping me in the traditional [metaphorical] sense-- that is, via the use of explosives at the level of my supporting substructures.

i am about to begin a new series of posts. they will probably require a great deal of me to write, much like my posts about my divorce. but these will be about needs, and health, and healing, and deficiencies, and how my obligations to others can sometimes be fulfilled only by taking care of myself first.

they will also be about pain, and peace of mind, and about how the lack of the latter and the presence of the former can sometimes be the things i need most.

...at least, i hope i need them, because if not, then i am lost. totally lost.

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

in repair

my heart regains its strength in weakness, for a little while at least, and every note rings true and bright again. this vacation morphed weirdly at the end, but it's limned with more brilliance than i would ever have expected. maybe it's okay that my alternator died; these two extra days of i-time have been challenging, but because i was so supported & nourished, i grew from it.

i am so happy. i don't know what to do about that, except give a few tears to the thirsty desert and assign more significance to the events of my life than i would otherwise.

i desperately want to be home, but in a way i feel i already am.