after these last few counseling sessions, i will no longer attempt to understand you, no longer seek any closeness with you; no longer empathize, relate to, or depend on you. this is because the most critical points of conflict between us are not situational. they have to do with character and perspective.
i believe people of two opposite perspectives can learn from each other and cooperate. it isn't that we have differing perspectives-- it's that no matter what i try, i cannot understand yours. i've enlisted your aid, as well as that of many others, and i simply cannot. of course when someone says "i can't" what they really mean is that they aren't willing to keep trying forever. clinging to hope is romanticized in our culture. it is perhaps noble at some level, but it is not always helpful.
in our case i find it destructive.
as if a permanent lack of understanding between two people isn't enough to ruin them, you take it a step further: you erroneously believe that you can and do understand me, far better than even i do!
that baffles me even further, and is perhaps the greatest mystery i've encountered. not the kind of mystery that's beyond the application of the human mind, like God's eternality... it's the kind that both invites and mocks that application. it's like the monkey that's tasked (but not trained) to produce Genesis 1:1 by pounding randomly on a typewriter. could it happen? yes. will it happen? i think not, but i was willing to find out. i was willing to be trained to do it; i was willing to work at it until my fingers bled.
i am no longer willing. even the closing remarks between us will likely prove difficult beyond my considerable capacity for figuring stuff out.
this is not the last letter i will write to you. i have much processing to do, and much to say that has little to do with counseling or arguments or reasoning.
~ ~ ~
the greatest barrier to us having a healthy relationship is your lack of grace. but the greatest barrier to the resolution (or unraveling) of our unhealth was, and always will be, your self-deception: that you understood me.
if i could give you nothing else as we part, i would give you an attitude of grace. if not that, then an understanding of me. grace is more important, and i cannot do without it, both spiritually and human-relationally.... but nothing satisfies me more than someone who truly understands me.
and nothing leaves me emptier than the lack thereof.
as something of a mystery myself, i would have loved to be solved by you, daily, continuously. things would have been very different.