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Sunday, October 28, 2012


i just can't. i'm giving up.

after these last few counseling sessions, i will no longer attempt to understand you, no longer seek any closeness with you; no longer empathize, relate to, or depend on you. this is because the most critical points of conflict between us are not situational. they have to do with character and perspective.

i believe people of two opposite perspectives can learn from each other and cooperate. it isn't that we have differing perspectives-- it's that no matter what i try, i cannot understand yours. i've enlisted your aid, as well as that of many others, and i simply cannot. of course when someone says "i can't" what they really mean is that they aren't willing to keep trying forever. clinging to hope is romanticized in our culture. it is perhaps noble at some level, but it is not always helpful.

in our case i find it destructive.

as if a permanent lack of understanding between two people isn't enough to ruin them, you take it a step further: you erroneously believe that you can and do understand me, far better than even i do!

that baffles me even further, and is perhaps the greatest mystery i've encountered. not the kind of mystery that's beyond the application of the human mind, like God's eternality... it's the kind that both invites and mocks that application. it's like the monkey that's tasked (but not trained) to produce Genesis 1:1 by pounding randomly on a typewriter. could it happen? yes. will it happen? i think not, but i was willing to find out. i was willing to be trained to do it; i was willing to work at it until my fingers bled.

i am no longer willing. even the closing remarks between us will likely prove difficult beyond my considerable capacity for figuring stuff out.

this is not the last letter i will write to you. i have much processing to do, and much to say that has little to do with counseling or arguments or reasoning.

~     ~     ~

the greatest barrier to us having a healthy relationship is your lack of grace. but the greatest barrier to the resolution (or unraveling) of our unhealth was, and always will be, your self-deception: that you understood me.

if i could give you nothing else as we part, i would give you an attitude of grace. if not that, then an understanding of me. grace is more important, and i cannot do without it, both spiritually and human-relationally.... but nothing satisfies me more than someone who truly understands me.

and nothing leaves me emptier than the lack thereof.

as something of a mystery myself, i would have loved to be solved by you, daily, continuously. things would have been very different.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

judgment day

i cannot accept this much grace.

i am not exaggerating or simply venting; i am not even confessing. even through all my emotional and visceral suffering, even after multiple trials, i have not been convinced that justice has been done, nor does mercy speak any of my languages when it approaches me for conversation. people call God's grace incomprehensible as if that's a good thing; they smile and tear up a little.

i am not crying about grace.

i am trembling under condemnation, and wondering if it is right for me to be forgiven, to seek redemption. i would mostly rather be tried and sentenced. it will be an heroic act of intervention on Holy Spirit's part if i do not choose to live forever under the teeming, roiling shadows of my past, which reach across the years through my present and brush against my expectations of the future. it will take a grip as strong as His to pry me loose from the welcoming arms of the wages of sin.

wake me up on judgment day.

Friday, October 19, 2012


i can feel my subconscious building walls around the things in my life that i can't handle alone.

that's probably part of our design, but i'm not certain it's the right thing. sometimes if it feels better, that's bad; sometimes pain is for our good.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


perhaps what i need most right now, of the things that are available to me, is more mentorship from the old & wise. perhaps enough of that could come close enough to meeting my needs to vent, to be understood, to be encouraged, to be critiqued, to be cared for.

Thursday, October 04, 2012

nothing more than

i have been re-thinking recently about how my emotions fuel my singing; not only that, but i'm actually much more creative and confident when i am expressing feelings of any kind through music (rather than trying to construct a musically acceptable melody or harmony with my left-brain).

one of the reasons i often stay up later than i should, is because as it gets later, my right-brain begins to dominate (whereas left usually does during the day) and i begin to feel both more overall aswellas more feelings individually. so then i feel the need to express those feelings. but i'm so tired, and i have to be quiet, so i usually end up trying but failing for an hour or so. then i go to bed.

i must change this, if i can.