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Saturday, September 29, 2012

in my ideal life

this is the hour at which i would return home to the comfortably-cool side of my otherwise-warm bed, to lean gently against the back of someone i trust more than anyone else, and who trusts me in return. and i would fall asleep as quickly or as slowly as i wanted, because being loved like that is either the most peaceful or the most exciting thing one can experience, depending on how you choose to look at it at the time.

and this is the hour at which, rather than speaking, i would simply make a noncommittal noise of contentment, which would be returned-- along with a touch on my arm that would say "welcome home" more than any words or even songs could.

at this hour i would, without effort, forget how crappy work was this week, forget what that idiot posted on Facebook, forget the wrong notes i played, forget that my desk has been a mess for weeks, forget that i don't have any free time tomorrow (Saturday!), forget about my stubbed toe, forget about how much money i shouldn't've spent today, forget about everything except what being in love mutually & freely, feels like.

maybe night-time actually sucks you-know-what.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

transposte: a different indulgence

this is an excerpt. i hope to post the source in its entirety someday. it's from August 31st, precisely 9:47 p.m. i transposte it now because i feel and think a little differently, and i want to document my journeys. this journey is from despair to decisiveness, and it will ever be one of the most important of my life.

tonight was the most painful. i guess it's because it was the first time i'd seen Val in person since she left. i got through the evening okay, but when i got home, i just sat for awhile, trying to work up the motivation to work on the to-dos.

but i just bawled instead. by the way i'm almost sorry that i'm posting this here, but i don't want to talk to anyone else about it, and i don't want to blog it publicly. so i need privacy and someone who will empathize. that makes this blog the magic.

anyway i cried because of the pain she caused me (in the past and recently and tonight when we met at church). but i also cried because of the pain i caused her. i really hated myself.

i am starting to feel the things that i guess people who divorce would feel. i feel filthy, more sinful than i have ever felt. i feel like this disqualifies me from having healthy intimate relationships anymore; or even if it doesn't, people will still think it does, which is kinda worse. i feel like i failed in the part of life that mattered the most. i feel like i failed not just Val but God, and my family, and my friends. i even feel like i'm betraying myself.

i feel like i will never be free from this unbearable pain. i feel like i cannot be comforted. i feel like i cannot be redeemed. i feel like i am not worthy of anything good. i feel like i cannot make good decisions, which is the most disorienting feeling i've ever felt. i feel like i'm doing everything wrong and all of Valerie's critiques and insults and attacks are valid.

i feel like i'm headed for even greater disaster somehow, like this is just me getting caught in the whirlpool's outer rim, and drowning is inevitable. i feel like guilt and shame will follow me all the days of my life.

worst of all, i am having trouble thinking through any of this. it's overwhelming my usually sufficient barriers and places of strength.

i have begged friends for prayer and they have immediately complied. i have now blogged, and even though there is much i want to vomit out (and need to), i don't think i can do that here and now. thank goodness, right?

my feelings have never before overrun me to this degree, for this long. i feel ransacked, enslaved, abused... and i cannot fight it. at least, i don't know how.

Thursday, September 06, 2012

ways that i've been coping

  • Wailin' Jennys
  • grinding my teeth, usually without noticing
  • overtime
  • laughing in amazement at how incredibly bad things are
  • cussing (only in private)
  • singing loudly (more often)
  • spending more money
  • double-time
  • going through old photos
  • experimenting with my caffeine threshold
  • private blogging (unheard of!!)
  • letting my family take care of me
  • more photography
  • acting before considering 
  • giving more to people in my care
  • watching Dollhouse with my sister Leah
  • writing song lyrics
  • prayer
  • asking for help (!)
  • apologizing when i don't really need to
  • making new friends, on purpose, for my sake (what?!?!)
  • taking days off with little notice
  • more conversations with mentors
  • the Honey Trees
  • speaking before thinking (!!!!!!!!!!!)
  • making unrealistic plans
  • less sleeping at night
  • checking my social networks eight times as much as i used to
  • exercise
  • less rest during the day
  • rekindling old friendships
  • being silent, just in case
  • taking care of my family
  • crying most days, if i'm lucky
  • reading old e-mails
  • really pushing my vocal range
  • arranging for more long drives
  • more moon-bathing
  • avoiding Valerie except when we can have a positive interaction
  • more blogging in general
  • more daydreaming
  • less optimism
  • popping up the collar on my work uniform

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

'tis best to both give AND receive

advice to present & future self (selves? whatever...) about relationships of varying kinds:
  • successfully pursuing health together in a relationship in general does not afford two people the option of choosing any type of healthy relationship they might desire
  • being picky about who my close friends are is not only justified, but necessary and beneficial, just as forsaking certain traditional social customs is not only justified, but necessary and beneficial
  • quality DTR is the closest thing there is to a relational cure-all, and if executed well, has widespread ramifications for many areas of life, both relational and personal/individual
  • sometimes what i want can be both selfish AND good; this is called 'needs,' and i have a hard time accepting that such things exist; but i must accept them and know them in me, if i am to be responsible about my health and the health of my relationships
  • to be healthy, i need friends in all three of these categories: 1) friends to whom i give but from whom i do not receive, 2) friends from whom i receive but to whom i do not give, and 3) friends from whom i receive and to whom i give. apparently the latter category is the toughest to fill, and i must be extra diligent to both find and nurture those friendships
  • there is no longer any advice i can receive about marriage that is simultaneously simple and helpful, so i should no longer seek nor accept simple answers to my questions about it
  • when relating to many others, i should be simple but personal; when relating to a few or to one other, i should be precise but not comprehensive; when introspecting or studying alone, i should overturn each & every rock twice and tell it not to leave town. and take detailed notes. and question whether each rock is really a rock, just in case i might be deceived or mistaken about its nature
  • i should never draw confident conclusions about what someone thinks or feels of me based solely, or even primarily, on who i am. who they are can be equally or more important to consider
  • i should go to bed now, even though that has little to do (directly) with relationships