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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

encoureegement


"Brother,
Trust me when I say that how you are feeling now will not last nearly as long as it seems… Yes, it’s difficult, it will last a while, but it also will pass… Soon each day will get a little better. You will start to have small victories that warm every part of your soul… And eventually, your life will be better than you ever thought it ever could have been. I’m not saying there will not be trials, there always will be. But, in your heart, you will know that where you are is exactly where you belong. I don’t think you’ve had that feeling in a few years… I could be wrong…. Anyway, through this difficult season, your true friends will not be nearly as critical of you as you are of yourself. I know you know that, but it never hurts to hear it anyway… Take care, Isaiah. Hang in there…"

- a person up to whom i look

Monday, August 27, 2012

besieged

perhaps i am indeed beset by famine, disease in livestock, economic challenges, deadly pandemic, war, change in the political system, and disagreement in the church. in fact i am certain that i am at the very least beset internally by anarchy.

but it is also true that i am surrounded on all [out]sides by wisdom, love, and grace. none of you will ever know how deeply that moves me... unless i write a sweet song about it and sing it to you someday.

once again i'm overwhelmed by a dozen feelings. but at least this time i can sleep on them.

thank You God for Your provision for me in the persons who have uplifted me by their words and actions.

amen

Friday, August 24, 2012

truth time: vinage

now that my LoP has subsided and i am in my own space, and ostensibly safer behind the veil of the internets, i will speak freely, intending not only to journal as i always have, but to give you what you deserve.

you've impacted me (in an almost literal sense) more and more since day one, and now i think you've passed some crucial point, and i can no longer attempt to quantify that impact without laughing at the impracticality and inevitable failure of such an effort. i realize tonight that, like Jerad & Brandon & Andrew & Caleb, you will continue to impact me even when our life-paths diverge for good. you've become a permanent force, both when you are acting 'pon my life and when you are not.

i find this to be the epitome of value & necessity for me, in light of tonight's conversations on the dock, and more. i find this to be vital in the way that water and air are vital.

in other words: i will ne'er e'er be free of your good influence on me, regardless of whatever may or may not pass.

and so it is with a critically heavy heart that i thank God very particularly for His love for me via you (not limited to your purposeful actions & words). i see so clearly the water from Him, the source, poured into your earthen vessel, overflowing into the rough dry soil of my world in a way that causes green things to grow that would have otherwise not pushed through.

in this way (and others) i find you similar to music itself. this is perhaps a lesser compliment, but should not be taken lightly.

be encouraged, and know that whatever you may dislike or even loathe about yourself, you are, to me, tangibly God's beloved & gifted & purposed daughter... and while i have long believed that God is involved in my life, that belief is enfleshed by who you have been, and will ever be, to me.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

things that help me rest well


  • a clean and open space of my own
  • very purposefully choosing silence, natural white noise, or the perfect music
  • exercise earlier in the day (i.e. hours before)
  • completely finishing a task/chore or two
  • warmth (in the winter), or coolth (in the summer)
  • plenty to drink
  • very purposefully choosing natural light, low light, or no light
  • being clean myself (shower or other ablution)
  • kind words from close friends

darkness

this morning i am hostile toward every idea i have about everything. i need to talk to someone but i don't want to talk to anyone. i want to do what an abused muscle does: seize and withdraw from everything. i want to forget that other people even exist, and just punch a wall until i'm too weak. i don't want music, food, or drink, or consciousness. i don't want peace, resolution, joy, or encouragement. i don't want to be responsible, or guided, or certain.

i want to be so isolated from everything and everyone that the only thing of which i'm aware is darkness.

i feel like, rather than being compromised or even destroyed, i'm being beaten to death.

i do not know what i will do.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

why is a raven like a writing desk?

my mind is falling apart at the seams, and overflowing with too much junk. even writing complete sentences feels like pulling out my own teeth, because my life is chaos, both internally and externally. i hate it. it's jarring me. it's like trying to use a jackhammer, using only one's mouth.

 pangs of emotions hit me at seemingly random times, and each pang could be anything.

 i am still compromised. i am no longer in hiding, but perhaps i showed too soon. i do not see my shadow yet.

Friday, August 17, 2012

transposte: things will be different

posted on Facebook by Isaiah James Micu on Saturday, August 11, 2012 at 8:16pm


i closed up shop for awhile, but i am returned, now with 20% more emo & seriousness. (some of you thought it impossible... admit it.) consequently, my posts will be 45% longer. please don't attempt the math.

i'm having trouble organizing all the things i want to say. they all relate to each other, but not all of them depend on the others in order to make sense. maybe bullets will help. 

  • i will probably soon be not married
this is not because of conflicts, but because of fundamental differences which i do not expect to change. i await only God in this matter, and no human being, because the things that need changing seem subject only to His hand (because the choices to be made by humans have already been made; i am a fervent and even Arminian believer in free will, peeps. no misunderstandings allowed).

each one must follow one's conscience as it follows one's beliefs about life, and Valerie & i are currently following what seem to be conflicting leads. it isn't just our leads that conflict; each of us respectively is conflicted about what is right, what is best, et cetera.

along with all of its many serious complications and concurrent struggles, this has been by far the most difficult, challenging, and dangerous situation i've ever experienced. i'd appreciate extra grace (from Christians and others). not only that, i'm in need of it.

(by grace i mean, when i am an a-hole to you, don't crucify me. please & thank-you.)

  • i am most certainly compromised at the mental & emotional levels
when i say that my current life circumstances are overwhelming, i don't mean i feel overwhelmed (although it's true that i do). what i mean is, i have actually been overwhelmed. i'm being raided. ransacked. subverted. divided. i'm in anarchy. rebellious elements within my self-politic are using my inner life as a RISK board, and i am unsure who is winning from one moment to the next.

outside of simple tasks & routines like brewing tea & doing my job at the 9-5, you must trust me less than you did before. this is necessary. trust me.

it is debatable whether i have, overall, been a good friend in the past. in this chapter, i am not. i may seem like one from time to time, but i am not. it would be irresponsible of me not to tell you that.

i know that i am compromised because my mind makes plans without checking in at the ethics & responsibility counter first. i am so far mostly disallowing that folly to become... externalized. with some much appreciated help. but that doesn't change the fact that i am in danger of being not myself.

  • i'm extremely lonely, but i don't want to hang out with [most] people
this is tough for me because i know your quality. i know there are generous and loving people around me who are willing to give their time and energy. it seems wrong for me to reject such gifts when i seem to be in need of them.

i wish i could explain it-- to me first, and then to you. but i cannot. well that's not entirely true... i could explain my conscious reasons. i'm not sure it would help anything, though.

you know when you're bored, even though there's plenty to do? when you want work but you avoid your to-do list, when you wanna have fun but you're too cranky, when you want to be with people but only certain people and only if they're in a certain mood and only if the stars are aligned?

no? oh. well, i tried.

seriously, i haven't ever been this excruciatingly lonely. coming back to Facebook helped a little, which is kind of scary, but... okay, whatevs. i think i need to process and understand my loneliness in light of my most significant circumstances at this time. this leaves me in a very awkward and embarrassing place, which was somewhat addressed in the previous bullet point. i hope that you can understand that without worrying about me, or feeling weird around me. it's unlikely, but that's what hope (non-theologically) is for, i think: unlikely but desired outcomes.

anyway. i won't hold it against you if you say to me in this chapter, "isaiah... i don't like who you are right now. we're friends and all but we're not that close, and this is kinda awkward. txt me when RISK is over."

or maybe "isaiah that's silly; i'm here for you 24/7, whenever you need a cup of flour or some new music or a photography assistant or whatevs. just please keep your emotionally overcharged philosophy and self-pity to yourself, kk? good, now that's settled, we can play Starcraft."

or even "isaiah, get over yourself and act normal. drama queen."

my personal fav: "isaiah, i can appreciate that you're romantically bankrupt and starved for deep emotional connection and all... but, you do realize i'm a guy, right?"

jk jk. no one has said those things to me yet. and, a few of the most meaningful and solid emotional connections i've made have been with guys. however, i am not vulnerable to guys right now, which is why that last hypothetical quote is a joke. i have some exceptional male friends who are there for me even without my asking. i'm not worried about that. i'm worried about other things. this is getting to be quite the confessional. moving on!

  • i need to serve
if you want to do something for me that is both healthy and desired, give me something to do for you. for you personally. not for your grandma or your dog. you.it would be unhealthy for me to, say, take on a second job, or a new roommate, or some commitment of that magnitude. but it is nourishing, peace-inducing, stress-relieving to do a single thing for a single (er... individual) person, if it's something that they truly value. keep it in mind.

  • if you want to help in some other way... read this.
http://moon-bathing.blogspot.com

the whole thing? uh... daunting. i recommend against that. but yesterday's post? sure. blogging is my way of 1) knowing myself, and 2) getting close to people without getting close to them. i feel a desperate need for both of those things right now. 

stay tuned for more depressing things but also possibly some victories here and there. thank you for reading.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

a completely unique experience

in my life i mean. not in the world.

i have discovered a new type of loneliness. it's not like other kinds; it isn't the kind that makes one angry or apathetic. it isn't the kind that makes guys try too hard. it isn't the kind that makes one hurt oneself. it isn't even the kind that makes one cry.

it's the kind where i realize, that if someone made any kind of purposeful skin-to-skin contact with me for the purpose of establishing a positive emotional connection of any kind, then i would cry.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

journeys: for my friends who encourage me

don't give up. don't ignore your emotions, or minimize them, or pretend things aren't so bad... cause probly, things really are bad.

but don't despair, and if you take a break from life, or from gravity, make sure you are watching and waiting for your time to return. and please bring back something beautiful or useful or true, even if it's dark or frightening or shaming or dangerously personal.

and please don't let your journeys change you too much, or in the wrong ways. they are supposed to change you; you can't be the same forever and also remain alive. but don't be warped; just grow.

if you end up doing things you deeply regret-- good. regret, if we let it, helps us be who we want to be later. who we are designed to be. memories both good and bad are good, if we make them so.

and when you feel alone, that's okay too, because sometimes you kind of are, and maybe that's not wrong: to be alone sometimes. inside and out. just don't stay there too long, and don't keep every sad place a secret. invite someone in once in awhile. don't be afraid.

because the things you carry back and forth from here to those lonely secret places are sometimes heavy enough to harm you if you don't have help. sometimes not, but if they are, then even one more hand can be enough to keep you safe.

and most importantly: don't trust all the things you read on the internet. explore them in your imagination and test them out for yourself before you make them yours.

(but if you do make them yours, please comment, so the author, who needed those things you read more than you did, can know that a difference was made.)

Friday, August 10, 2012

Atlas / Tracey

on Wednesday, the 1st of August, i went on a hawt date... with myself.

i made the 20-minute drive to Riverpark. steak, mashed po-ta-toes, and some other veggie. those were delectable, but the tear-jerker (tears of joy) was the Kostritzer Schwarzbier. i mean, it felt really good to say, "table for one, please" ...but the feel-good of that beer... um. wow.

fortunately i was the only one with me, and my table was somewhat removed from others around me, because... well, the truth is that i made some sex noises. there just isn't any other accurate term for the things i 'say' when i enjoy something that much. it wasn't on purpose... that beer is just so good. and it was only my third time having my way with it. (i'm still in the honeymoon phase, i think.)

anyway: then i went shopping for dark chocolate (90%-cocoa) at World Market.

then i saw the new Spiderman movie, which occasionally entertained me enough to make me forget the bullets in me (despite the protagonist's sad acting skills).

then i sang all the way home.

since then i've been re-miniscing and, i think serving people who need serving is a pretty good way for me to stave off the !@#$^(*$!#&*$)$!%)&* internally. not only that, it's the right thing to do. so i've been anchored by that, or maybe it's my mainstay, or a tradewind or somesuch. whatever. the point is i'm stable again, instead of careening off of every reef and iceberg and unsuspecting whale.

and it gets me thinking that maybe i'm Atlas after all, because i'm in this weird place socially where i am violently opposed to interacting with peers, but i find serving very comfy. but, i also crave time with my trusted mentors and the pillars of my faith, the ones who reflect my confidence back to me by showing me my need for the pursuit of humility; but back to the other hand (or the original hand): i go to youth group events where i can meet needs, or i hang out with young siblings who of course need familial social nourishment.

but i try not to even think about the people in the gray zone, between those two extremes.

perhaps Atlas by itself is not accurate. he doesn't get help. i do. but i'm choosey about who the helpers are (and rightfully so).

so i'm a coin, with Atlas' profile on one side, and Tracey's on the other.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

new old wallpaper


i must re-turn.

i like to re-solve things

looking back over my journaling, i re-alize that noitcelf-er is vital to my health. re-ading these things i've said somehow re-vitalizes and focuses me in a way that few things do. and perhaps this is a particularly good chapter for re-flection, but even so, my conclusion stands.

i used to wish i could re-ceive letters from my future self, letters that would tell me what to do and how to do it right the first time. i wanted to benefit from wisdom i hadn't gained yet. but perhaps it would be just as effective to re-ceive letters from my past self, to benefit from wisdom i have gained at some point but since forgotten. or maybe the re-solving of things can be used to gain new wisdom. actually, it's not an "if," it's a "when," because i see it happening. i re-flect on my re-flections and re-member who i was, and then re-gain the old re-solve i had.

this chapter is about re-re-flection and re-re-solution. i shouldn't promise to make the most of it, but i will certainly aim for a re-ally high yield. i should probably make use of re-minders from now on.

i believe it's time to hire my mom's adopted sister's husband to re-novate this blog design.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

bon, ee, (wait for it...)

...very.

http://tinyurl.com/6x4hxc
http://tinyurl.com/cvtf8xz

i've seen and heard this song referenced a dozen times before today, and never paid it much attention. the style seemed very Jack Johnson to me, which in isaiah-speak means "should've been given the benefit of more than four chords" and "very casual mood that is hard for me to relate to / indwell." in other words the feel of the song just wasn't my type (though it was accomplished well).

well, i finally looked up the lyrics and thought to myself... "wow. i have no idea what that means."

so then i looked up the meaning, and thought to myself... "holy #$@!!"

and lastly, i decided to record this "holy #$@!!" moment on my blog via links and the lyrics and an embedding.



Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in this moment this order's tall

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in light brassieres
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And now all your love is wasted?
And then who the hell was I?
And now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

a day of rebirth

i completely forgot who i was.

to be fair, i've been dealing with a lot lately, and not just in total quantity. this many distinct problems all at once is quite overwhelming, and apparently i did not do the situation justice by calling it that. i said "i've never been so overwhelmed," when what i really meant was "i feel so overwhelmed."

well, it turns out i actually was overwhelmed, to the point of not only being compromised, but to the point where i didn't realize how i had been compromised. and i reflect now on my subconscious choices and say, "first of all, those should have been consciously made. secondly, they should have been made in the opposite direction: toward others, for their benefit... not to indulge myself."

it stuns me that i was so unaware of my childishness. i'm so embarrassed, i won't even ask forgiveness from the people who are designed to forgive me! but that's probably also because i've been asking them for it so often lately. they must be getting tired of it.

the bottom line is that i must return to me; and furthermore, i must be better at it than before, in order to deal with these current situations adequately. i must be cleverer, self-aware-er, do it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes me stronger. i must not let my feelings drug me, must not let my surging motivations direct me. i must call them out and replace their suggestions with this decision: to love people.

i must stop being fifteenteen years old.

Father please help me mend whatever can still be mended. if it's Your will, please don't let my threatened friendships die; but if it is, then please help me get through that without doing anything selfish. please bless those i've wronged. please help reconcile and renew and restore.

amen

Monday, August 06, 2012

a long way home

finished lyrics for an unfinished song
for Andrew Peterson and Brad Hamm

vs 1
it's a long way home
'cause you're far away from here
and as i stare into this life, with all i have inside
i pour out all my sin, terror, and great darkness
i seek only to trust and yield
in these weary moments, not merely the lifetime
i so wisely chose
i so wisely chose

chorus
and now i'm shaken from thought and this great longing
that's fruitless from my work
and it seems so useless, with nothing left to prove
and so much left to choose while in the midst of battle for my soul
and for those who forfeit theirs
and for those who forfeit theirs

vs 2
we chose this path
a shortcut to the end
but which is better in the eyes of God:
to cleanly break, or slowly mend?
i have heard Him sing through you
words to make the cripples dance
to give the hopeless a chance
in these desperate hours, you're my only life-line
i so wisely chose
i so wisely chose

chorus
and now i'm shaken from thought and this great longing
that's fruitless from my work
and it seems so useless, with nothing left to prove
and so much left to choose while in the midst of battle for my soul
and for those who forfeit theirs
and for those who forfeit theirs
and for those who forfeit theirs

i have heard Him sing through you

Sunday, August 05, 2012

Saturday, August 04, 2012

-i- contact

i understand that this is not a unique feature, nor even a rare one... but many do not consider it consciously. being aware of one's traits seems to provide opportunities to develop them, hide them, or stamp them out. this is one trait that i have chosen to develop, and i think it important to know this about me (if one desires closeness of any kind with me).

in many circumstances, i am extremely sensitive to eye contact. the term "windows to the soul" once seemed overly sentimental, or perhaps foolishly romantic, but i have changed my view. it just might sound exactly as dramatic as it should, because for me, eye contact can be more intimate than a long hug, more intimate (sometimes) than even a kiss.

not the same kind of intimacy, of course, but no less intimate for that. if i have any emotions toward a person, i subconsciously expect those feelings to be made known when i look that person in the eye. is that irrational? perhaps not.

i tell you this because i want you to treat me differently than you would if you didn't know about it. i want people who look me in the eye to realize, "oh... this is no small thing. this is like touching isaiah physically. this is like forcing him to be honest and open with me."

it is not always this way. here are some of the circumstances that would invoke my "-i- Contact Sensitivity" aspect:

  • if you are attractive
    foolishly, but in keeping with my inescapable humanity, i am drawn to look at attractive people. (that's sort of what attractive means.) when i look at the eyes of someone i find attractive, i feel like i'm indulging myself without their permission. (which i sort of am.) since for me it's a way of being close (sometimes), i feel like i'm getting close to that person by making eye contact.

    even an attractive personality by itself might be enough to make me feel this way; that is, you might not be physically attractive, but that doesn't automatically disqualify you.

    the other reason i try not to meet the eyes of attractive people is because i worry they will sense that i'm enjoying it immensely, which would be extremely awkward for me (and likely for them as well).
  • if i feel something toward you
    negative feelings work here, not just the obvious candidates. anger or jealousy or disgust would qualify. in those cases, i might be trying not to hurt you with my feelings... or maybe i wish to keep them secret because i am ashamed that i feel that way toward you.
  • if i believe you are hostile
    i will either meet your gaze as a challenge, or avert my gaze as a way of protecting myself.
  • if you know my dark side
    if i have confessed a sin to you, or shared any shameful secret, or (this one especially) if i am aware that i have hurt you in some way, i will look at your eyes differently than i would have otherwise. i might not avert my gaze; in fact, i might meet it more confidently, especially if you have responded to my sinfulness with acceptance/love.

    knowing what a horrifyingly evil person i can be (and have been) is a huge doorway to intimacy with me (of any kind; not just romantic), which sometimes seems to me to be a contradiction, but other times makes perfect sense.
  • if i am, at that moment, caring deeply for you
    if you share with me some difficulty in life that's causing you pain or frustration, and i set out to be helpful to you in that situation, i am more likely to make eye contact. i sometimes use it as a way to lend strength or depth to my words... or to communicate more tangibly than words themselves can.
  • if you are, at that moment, caring deeply for me
    sometimes i need this. don't be so shocked. haha but seriously: similarly to how you need a hug sometimes, i need eye contact sometimes.
  • if i am, at that moment, making an overt attempt to get to know you better
    i find that questions are an excellent way to get to know someone, but i don't make eye contact in those situations just to help me listen to your answer: i use that contact to find meaning behind your words. i don't mean that i read into what you say, just that i might be able to detect things that words don't express. this is sort of the inverse of the "caring deeply for you" one. i want to hear more than what you are saying.

    for example, if you say you're sad... okay. i hear you. but if i can feel how sad you are by making eye contact... that's much better. or, maybe you're describing a situation and haven't yet said how you feel about it. i will probably ask you how you feel about it... but i'll watch your eyes to try to determine how open you're being. to determine how vulnerable you are at that time.

i'm sure there are more, but i haven't the time right now to list them. perhaps in a future post.

if you care about me at all, please be careful with our eye contact. don't be paranoid or worried; just be aware. that's enough for me for now.