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Sunday, July 29, 2012

404'd

i tried to make my blog cool and updatey, then realized i'd have to dive into the code, then realized how much different it is now, then realized how much time i'm gonna need to re-code, then realized i don't have that much time. so this is me for awhile, and it's quite crapezoidal, but i suppose we will have to deal. pray for my blog template.

away but never gone

some people, when they're in pain, they bottle it up for awhile and then explode and hurt people. other people, they just take it out on their surroundings right then. still others will try to compensate by forcing happiness or excitement.

when i'm in pain, often i will either go to full-scale war (with varying degrees of strategy involved) or else retreat entirely.

the weird thing about my retreats is that they always involve an element of reaching out to people from afar. just now, for example, i wrote to a close friend / brother and told him, "i'm withdrawing from everyone right now." but right after sending that e-mail, i went to google.com/reader and cleaned out all my old blog/xanga/livejournal/etc subscriptions, but only after reading through many of the more personally meaningful, especially ones on which i had commented, or ones which mentioned me, or ones that described important stories in the lives of the people with whom i used to be close.

why?

and why do i reach out even now to the one-and-a-half readers of this blog, baring my heart (well, a little) while still hiding in my half-empty apartment, with the lights down low and no music except the A-hum of the AC unit?

i suppose i am looking for an emotional connection that doesn't require social energy. perhaps that's why i'm about to go listen to the Wailin Jennys and smoke a bowl of Penzance, or perhaps Frog Morton.

i have never been more desperate to find a fast-forward-life button. and it crawls instead, to taunt me.

i await better things.


Saturday, July 28, 2012

this kind can only come out by prayer and fasting

against my nature, but in keeping with wise advice from my betters, i have decided... to not decide yet.

i have blind spots when it comes to problem-solving. they astound me when i discover them (if i do), and yet they make sense. i focus so carefully on the problem itself that i forget its context. for example: i had [subconsciously] thought myself pressured and even required to make this decision on the 31st.

well, that's just silly. why should i?

i commit right now, in the presence of these one-and-a-half readers, to wait. i will fast from decision-making itself, and beg God on my face to reveal something better than what i'd invent on my own.

if He reveals no such thing, i will continue with my own plan, confident that if He'd wanted to change my course, He'd have taken advantage of me while i was still kneeling and practicing the spiritual gift of petition.

thank you members of the body for being used of God to aid me in my most dire time of need.

thank you Holy Spirit for being active, even if stealthy.

i will pray and fast, and this answer will come out, and though there will be consequences no matter what course my life takes, i will bear them joyfully because of God, and because of the faith i've chosen which He and others have nourished and will continue to nourish.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

in his heart a man plans his course

"crossroads" is a pitifully inadequate word. perhaps words themselves are inadequate.

i have decided to take piano lessons. my musical skills are not sufficient for the tasks at hand, specifically for the important task of self-expression. there is too much to contain, and i cannot abide that.

i have also decided to agonize no longer over the possibility of making a moral mistake. after speaking with my pastor, and being prayed over, i know that i may still undergo intense pain and doubt... but i will not torture myself by second-guessing before i've even chosen the course.

God grant me the courage i need to act in accordance with everything He has given to me. i am His, and i ask that He save me... but i will not wait to be spoon-fed the answers to life's questions, nor wait for God to lift my sword against that which opposes me.

i hope that my actions will carry the same confidence my words here seem to.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

fuck.

every once in awhile i blog just to mark an important spot on my path. i don't have a revelation, a question, a deep angst to express, a doctrine to propagate, or a challenge to issue to the world spirit. just a marker.

this marker will distinguish itself from other markers (and represent where i'm at in life right now) by being the first public post in which i blatantly use profane language. i will not apologize for it because it's stupid to apologize for something while doing it.

may the future me who comes back to visit this marker say to himself aloud, "wow. that's exactly right. couldn't've said it better."

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

del segno al coma

i feel i’d rather die
than watch these bluest notes dance by me (which surprises me).
they once held power to enslave or to free,
to force me to my knees or haul me to my feet.
now, it seems, the three-part bridge that often let me cross the gap between rest and beat,
is simply the spot where
i and my Maker might finally meet.
but chords of tendon and staves of bone
inspire me to sing along: this harmony
though i’m alone.
i’ve torn my will in two
and called each one legitimate.
the first one’s harshly signed “the Little Christ”
the second is illegible,
yet strangely intimate.
i’ll find the end a tragedy, i expect,
since players in comedies tend to find new friends,
and that isn’t what’s happened, at least not yet.
so i have only one last chorus and a bow to take, before my heart the Lord might cleanly break,
in preparation for a larger stage and a newer song, a way to make my breaths long and my timbre shake the earth around me.

and i welcome that.

Monday, July 09, 2012

samishii: reprise

i don't remember the last time i knew what it was like to be lonely the way other people are lonely. as i experience it again, i find it terribly pathetic (no offense meant to the "other people") and wish that i could be more emotionally independent.

it is perhaps an unintended consequence of marriage, that i no longer find solace in solitude. if so then i cannot treat it as a problem. i find that terribly frustrating and wish that i could choose which changes to undergo and which to forego.

i am grateful for people who are willing to endure me, and for opportunities to enjoy those people. and maybe being lonely isn't itself such a bad thing, even if i find no comfort in it anymore.