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Thursday, June 03, 2010

attenuation

if my life were a graph, y-axis indicating amount of momentum (either upward or downward) at a moment in time (time represented along the x-axis), and if i were then to assign short descriptive words or phrases to each 3-month period along the graph... and if i were then to list those adjectives in order from 2004 to present day, that list would include the following (these are only selections from that list; while not necessarily consecutive, they are still in chronological order):
  • waiting
  • exploding, ground-breaking
  • building, growing, seeking, fulfillment
  • learning the hard way
  • more learning the hard way
  • correction
  • struggle
  • joy
  • struggle
  • slogging, trudging
  • struggle
  • joy
  • gloaming
  • plodding, struggle, pain, struggle
  • plateau
if my life right now is a landscape, i stand on a low plateau above a barren, sun-seared field-- deep valleys and high mountains behind me, a deep, ancient forest of oaks crouching before me. if my life right now is an orchestra, the high strings frame a dark, simple duet for cello & bassoon, and i direct with lazy, subtle motions from behind the band. if my life right now is weather: a steady drizzle by day and fog by night. if my life right now is a room: an abandoned shed, with dusty rafters splintered, dark corners obscured by cobwebs (still inhabited, though hardly ever trembling with visitors), windows rusted shut, toys and clothes and tools long outgrown or worn out, which should have become antiques or heirlooms-- instead, time slowly but inevitably steals their value, even sentimental value, until they are worth less than the torn cardboard boxes that hold them.

i can feel my mind decaying , my heart slowing and growing feeble from lack of use, while (in unwelcome contrast) my body strengthens and some of the outward-most circumstances of my live improve. my blog reflects all three of these processes, mostly by remaining un-updated.

as a realist i have to admit that the things which matter most to me, will both improve and worsen multiple times (respectively) before my life is over. oddly, or perhaps not so oddly, the pessimist (who inhabits my heart and not my mind) in me says the worst thing that could happen is stasis, rather than decline.

i find myself wondering whether i should add 'stasis' to my very short list of fears. perhaps, for me, failure and stasis are nearly synonymous.

we will see. regardless, it'll be helpful to look back at this post later on in life. i hope i someday reach the place where, upon looking back, i smile and shake my head and say, "wow. could you have been any more needlessly emo?"

if my life right now is a food, i am cotton candy, being stretched and melted and dehydrated, then twisted and pulled, and finally, dissolving ever so slowly in time's hungry mouth. i am attenuating.