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Wednesday, December 09, 2009

i find it difficult

i find it difficult to separate and identify my motives. this is perhaps a first for me, ever. it becomes even stranger to think about when i realize that, whatever the motives might be, i know they are all good ones.

i find it difficult to listen to a God when His reply may be scrambled by my own. i wonder if He hesitates to reply telepathically, for that very reason.

i find it difficult to use the Bible for what it was originally intended. i think perhaps the Word finds it difficult to use me.

i find it difficult to obey when it costs me something i truly value, without feeling entitled to a subsequent blessing. i am willing to obey regardless, but in certain cases, having been brutally disabused of that feeling, i discover that i obey grudgingly.

i find it difficult to deal with this particular reality of life, though i often preach it to others: that while God does care about a person's happiness (e.g. mine), He cares far more about that person's holiness. furthermore, as if i did not have enough difficulty in life already, He asks that i care about my holiness more than i care about my happiness.

i find God difficult.