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Friday, November 27, 2009

vacuum musica, vita erratum

thanks Nietzsche.

it's probably a good idea to remember that, while struggling to become the me i think i ought to be, i ought to partly be the me i already be.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009


i have spent so much time and energy critiquing my thoughts, beliefs, values... i really feel and think that i deserve to be very confident about them. a person can be confident without being arrogant. a person can hold strong opinions without being unreasonably stubborn. a person can be strong without being a bully.

i am ready to give up on my relationships because despite how hard i've worked to understand and better them, despite how much pain i've purposefully endured and despite my loyalty to the values that are necessary for having good relationships, i've somehow failed.

i don't care that anyone judges me. i do care whether my friends misjudge me.
i care whether friends misjudge me not because that misjudgment causes me to doubt myself, but because their misjudgment tears down and hinders the relationship i'm seeking and working to build up and help.

i know who and what and how and why i am, regardless of what anyone else says to tear that down. i don't fear being damaged by an attack; i fear the damage done to my friendships with people when i am attacked.

i care what people think about me, not because it changes how i think or feel about myself, but because the way people think about me negatively affects the friendship i have with them.

when the person closest to you is the person who tears you down the most; when the person closest to you is the person who misunderstands you the most; when the person closest to you is the person whose relationship with you is the relationship for which you work the hardest, yet that person is also the person who tears down their relationship with you the most; what do you do?

i don't see the point of trying to build up relationships with people who distrust me, misunderstand me, tear me down. i would gladly let them do so if it helped our relationship, and maybe even if it somehow helped them... but it doesn't help anything at all. vanity of vanities. best laid plans.

i will never be intimidated into giving up on things i value. but i could be persuaded if the argument were sound. right now, it may not be sound, but for some reason it's still so persuasive. and why shouldn't i? would it really matter?

and it all seems so helpless, and i have no plans
i'm a plane in the sunset, with nowhere to land
and i feel stuck watching history repeating
yeah, who am i? just a kid who knows he's blogging

let me know that You're near me
let me feel Your touch
let me know that You love me
let that be...

blue moon

i am losing control of my rational decision-making ability.