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Monday, September 28, 2009


after much practice/experience/trial-and-error, i have become capable of knowing what type of food or drink my body needs at any given time. i know when it needs water and not juice, when it needs protein rather than starch, and when dessert is a bad idea.

i have also come to know the difference between the need to blog and the need to sit and just think; the difference between needing to listen to music and to make it; the difference between needing sleep and needing to just close my eyes and rest. subconsciously, intuitively, or sometimes even viscerally, i know what i need in those situations.

the needs that continue to elude me have mostly to do with my social life. sometimes i need to be around family, but i don't know that unless i end up spending time with them. sometimes i need to compete against a worthy opponent... but i don't know that, either, unless it happens to me somehow. sometimes, very very rarely, i need to cry. but of course i don't realize that until afterward.

the problem with knowing what my social needs are, is that i can't keep my friends in the pantry. so even if i did know, what good would that do? i need to not only learn the signs that tell me i'm lonely. i need to live in an environment where, if i do realize i need company, i can quickly seek and find it. i need to be able to discern what kind of company i need, but i also need that company to be available.

it's strange that i'm writing these things, because i'm the most solitary person i know. i need to be with myself more than anyone else i know needs to be with lenself. so what in the world is happening to me?

the reason i can't figure myself out is that i've based my studies on the assumption that i am gradually becoming less and less malleable. but perhaps i ought to assume instead that i do not know how much change to expect any more than i know what kind to expect or when.

Friday, September 11, 2009


in war, both sides lose. in friendship, both win. in wars between friends, the attempt to win, though cruel, is too absurd to not be funny. the difference between this and suicide is that a suicidal person is in agreement with himself. the difference between this and something people laugh at is that we find it much easier to laugh at cruelties we've never experienced. the difference between this and competing against oneself is that the latter grows us whereas the former destroys us. the difference between this and a conflict between countries is that countries can be destroyed completely, thereby ending the conflict.

the difference between me and a combatant who surrenders, is that the combatant can declare the matter concluded, while my surrender simply ensures that there will be more combat in the future.

reposte: in my head

if only you had two eyes,
how gladly i would blind them,
and send you stumbling far from here.
and suppose you had two hands--
how tightly i would bind them,
in honor of your cruel career.

let's pretend you're made of flesh!
how gleefully i'd gore you
for all the work you've done today.
make believe you have a heart,
and i could tear it from you...
i'd giggle like a child at play.

what if you were my own blood?
i'd slash my veins to drain you,
your gurgling screams: my peaceful song.
and if I were God Himself?
how wrathfully I'd send you
down to the Pit where you belong.

~ ~ ~

what if i flee by dreaming?
how patiently you're waiting
for me to wake. your eyes: deep red.
you torture me with anger.
how strange that i would help you,
yet long to conquer you instead.