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Monday, August 31, 2009

dear pair-of-eyes-a-closing-one,

i'm pleased to report that i am not dying... neither have i been left behind, nor am i losing myself. i am simply suppressed.

i'm told my first word (perhaps after "mama" and/or "dada") was "no!" and i've learned that this is truly significant because it represents one of my most prominent and enduring personality traits: sheer force of will. i think if i could manifest it as a physical weapon, i would be tempted towards terrorism and world domination.

my own confession reminds me that my will can indeed manifest as a weapon, indirectly. in fact, though i have control over it, it sometimes circumvents me, especially in moments of strong emotion. but all of that has to do with its negative side. it can be problematic, but it can also be opportunistic.

what makes me a night owl is not just the fact that i do function better at night. it's also the fact that i would rather function at night. and that preference is not just a result of my capability; it's part of my personality as much as my capability is. so when 9 o'clock rolls around and my body begs for rest, my mind seeks out tasks and considers which hobbies it might engage itself in. so now is a great time for both a 9-hour nap as well as a game of chess or a self-centered blog entry.

i am simultaneously a night person and a day-laborer, so i simultaneously want to pour myself into a project and throw myself into bed. and i will always be this way. i may come to accept the nausea and depression that accompany an early alarm, but i will never be rid of either. i may get in the habit of falling asleep before 10p, but i'll never be content in that habit.

and these things may be a great source of stress and frustration and a desperate longing to be free of these constraints, but that consistent longing should also remind me that though i cannot conquer what now seem to be problems, they will never conquer me either. some of the stories that interest me most (both fictional and historical) do so because they describe how a person or group or even a value, struggle long and hard against some great antagonist which hinders life as it was meant to be lived; but ends in a glorious revolution or rescue or combination of the two.

i am too nearsighted. from now on i will spend more energy than i have before, looking forward to the future i want to believe in... ...partly because i know that wanting to believe in something proves an extant belief in something, and because belief in my life tends to affect my most important decisions, which usually alter my life drastically, even if those alterations are slow and gradual.

so if i don't meet you this Friday morning at 9:03a, i'm sure you'll be around again four weeks later, and again four weeks after that. don't give up on me. one of these bright rendezvous will be less melancholy and more celebratory.

sincerely,
s02e06_the_schizoid_man

p.s. that might be the first time i've ever used the word 'rendezvous' in its plural form, which is funny because it looks the same.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

hamartia

i am undone and remade over and over. i think this is my constant fate.