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Friday, November 07, 2008

i need a guitar.

not being able to proficiently play an instrument while singing = musically-creative constipation.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

an addendum to an embarrassing post... how embarrassing!

given my condition in this chapter of my life, i feel like i should just give up on trying to spend enjoyable time with friends.

it's the same as if i'd just had my wisdom teeth pulled, except that friends spending time with me won't comfort me. i can't do anything except hold gauze to my bleeding, slobbering mouth, and watch movies. people can't enjoy me when i can't enjoy life.

alright, i admit it; i'm looking for justification to give up, so that i can avoid the pain. well that admission changes nothing since i've found the justification i need. i'm actually a better person this way. i would know. i've been this way before. that change that took place, the me who left me behind, the me whole stole me from me, the me who left his cave behind.

whether it was primarily my environment that changed me, or else God, or my natural development (vs. nurture), or something else entirely, i am only a step or two away from making a very sudden, very dangerous, second 180°. i can already feel myself looking forward to it. as John Eric's Lost, Found, Lost (how apropos!) plays in the background, near midnight, i remember who i was, and wonder if that's who i am. and i feel ashamed for becoming someone else.

i just realized, nobody asks the someone else i am about him anymore; i hardly listen to those songs which once comforted me, and i spend very little time with myself.

the problem is that going backwards means leaving some of my new travel-companions behind. or perhaps it means them leaving me behind.

~ ~ ~

and once again, i'm up too late blogging. how long has it been? (i'll spare you the appropriate cliche at this point.)

i hope one of me knows what he's doing.

high maintenance

disclaimer: i'll feel better about whining if i don't address anyone in particular.
realization: i am attracted to high maintenance people partly because i am one of them.
confession: i have deep psychological issues.

all the things i want most in life-- to be aware of God's presence in general and in my life, to have strong & fulfilling friendships that i can enjoy on a regular basis, to fulfill my potential musically, to share my joys with people around me, to discover & decide on a career that fits my skills and personality, to not be so tired all the time, to be a good or perhaps even a great husband, to be as generous with others as others have been to me, to become someone whose character resembles Christ's --are the things which elude me most. i feel hopeless. i see no way of ever reaching these goals. the obstacles hindering me, i don't even understand. i'm not sure i can even begin to conquer them. the people closest to me don't understand me. in fact, i'm not sure they can. they don't know why i'm depressed, stressed, apathetic, non-energetic... and neither do i. there's no one who can help me (no one i can afford), and even if they could, i don't have enough time or energy to go through that process. i feel alone. i don't have time or energy because i have to work this early-morning 10-hr/day construction job, and i have to work this early morning 10-hr/day construction job because i chose to major in an academic field without considering what career options that major would offer me. i wish that i could regret my choice, but i can't, because i made it for the right reasons, and the choice itself paid off the way it was supposed to.

my deep psychological issues offer evidence of themselves through symptoms such as: the inability to turn off the music/thinking in my head; my habit of changing my mind about something several times in the space of a split-second; my obsession with mentally correcting every grammatical mistake i make when speaking out loud, and beating myself up about it; my inexplicable feelings of depression, experienced on a daily basis; my inability to enjoy those things in life which i love most; and finally, my lack of patience with and affection for my wife.

i don't blog often enough.