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Friday, June 27, 2008

fixing me

sometimes i feel like i'm not even worth my own effort, let alone anyone else's.

i need you...

to maybe just read this?

i felt like calling you tonight. the grace you've extended to me, the genuine, passionate friendship, the wisdom you've developed over the years... i look up to you for these and many other reasons. for most of my life i've been the one people leaned on, but these past few years i've become so weak, it seems. it feels wrong to "boohoo" all over you, but i don't know who else to go to. you're the first person i thought of to lean on. and now that i think of it, you're not just my first choice... you're my only choice. i have other good, close friends, maybe even one or two i look up to, but none of them love me the way you do. they do love me, but they don't quite know the best way to love me. it might be a spiritual gift you have.

i feel like i am being paid back for all the emotional damage i've done to others all my life. it hurts a little bit less when i think of it as punishment, because i can convince myself that i deserve it, and it can't be wrong to get what i deserve, and if what's happening to me is right, then it doesn't hurt as much. but at the same time, i think about the world the way it was supposed to be. i think about relationships the way they're supposed to be, and even while i'm confessing my undeservedness and my own evil and the ruin i've caused, at the same time i'm begging God to redeem not only my own character, but the character of those close to me, so that i don't have to be hurt anymore. is that selfish?

nothing hurts me worse than people who are supposed to be kind to me, choosing instead to be hostile. i guess that means i am self-centered after all. maybe the lesson in all of this is to stop caring so much about my own pain.

i don't know. i wish you were here to hug me.

i love you. thank you for listening.