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Friday, February 15, 2008

one more fortune

last chapter, and perhaps even the chapter before that, i realized that one of my primary lacunas is discipline-- as a character trait. i think i've discovered one of the many reasons i failed to improve in that area.

i have this theory that character traits (personality non-specific) have complementary traits. for example, one can be either cautious or bold-- or, ideally, one can be both. i think that, in order to learn discipline, one must first learn how, when, and why to rest.

hard work, when it yields anything of value or quality, comes out of rest. i am always telling people to shut down their computers at least once a day, so that the pagefile can be refreshed, caches can be emptied, heat can dissipate... etc. yet i've completely missed the life-lesson metaphor thingy.

i couldn't properly learn how to work hard because i had no idea how to take care of myself! from night one of my college education, i slept little, sacrificed often, and had little regard for my own well-being. King Andrew once expressed his astonishment that my old, old, old laptop was still running so well. he said his newer PC was crappy compared to my machine, and confessed that he was to blame. "i don't know how to take care of it," he said.

well, no wonder i run crappy.

i've known for a long time that i don't take care of myself, and i've known that i'm lazy... but i've never made such a clear connection between the two as i do now. i need to learn- in mind and in habit- how and when and why to rest.

i need to learn rest & discipline because my mistakes in life do not always affect only me. i thank God for the intense, all-surpassing pain of hurting other people, because it pushes the limits of my good character.

~ ~ ~

...because being responsible for a family will gradually make me a drastically better person. just as Christians are God's method for accomplishing His will in this age, so will my family be His method for accomplishing His will in me.