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Monday, December 24, 2007

desecration & atonement

i can't stop thinking about how casually the entry mentions it. i mean, it seems to fit right in with doing the dishes and taking out the trash. it repulses me. (the football one too. the only reason that one sounds significant is because it was a surprise, or exciting, or something.)

it repulses me how disrespectful the person was. it repulses me how you let the person be that disrespectful. it repulses me, the way you thought of pi at the time. it angers me. and i'm frustrated that i seem to be carrying the weight of it, even though it's so far in the past and you're different now. we're different now.

but even when i was that age, experiencing some of those things, i always assigned it great significance. i never knew what that significance was, but i knew something important was happening. and i was committed-- naively, imperfectly, temporarily, genuinely, wholly committed. and i'm angry that i seem to have this stupid holier-than-thou perspective, as if i'm somehow better because of these things. i'm not!!

i'm angry, and disappointed, because it is so rare for me to think, "that is very unattractive." i don't know how to handle it.

relationships... i've thought of them as (and pursued / engaged in them as!) sacred, ever since the beginning of my relationship with God. i haven't been consistent or perfect-- in fact, i have my own sordid history of sacrilege-- but i began well and am ending well. and i helped others, many others, to do the same. am helping! and i know this doesn't make me a better person than anyone else, but then i have to wonder, "why am i not as repulsed by my own self as i am by these stories you tell me?"

i should be. i have been! ...but that doesn't solve the problem for me. i don't know why.

~ ~ ~

i even dreamt of it. i remember asking you questions about it, and waiting for you to ask me how i felt about it all. i remember starting to have a conversation about it with you, but then we arrived at your family's house for Christmas festivities. i said hi to your grandma (the one i like more) and then the dream ended. when i woke up, i was angry and disturbed and everything else i've described above. i so desperately wish the entry had ended with, "i wish i hadn't done any of it at all... i feel so cheap" instead of "it's a good thing i didn't take that last step... totally not worth it." i wish i could feel the same conviction you felt (at some point?) about all the cheap-ness. all the desecration.

maybe inaction isn't enough to feel the full weight of redemption. maybe we're being too mainstream evangelical, and not Catholic enough. maybe cleaning house isn't enough; maybe replacing all the old stuff with new stuff is what we need. maybe replacing the bad with good instead of empty is what i'm looking for. maybe penance is about ritual and somatic aesthetics, rather than soteriology.

i don't know. i'm just guessing at this point. i wish i had spent as much time and energy learning from Dogterom as i did from Rybarczyk.

things will change when we have our own home, our own life (and all that that implies). that ritual will be life-changing. heart-changing. metanoia. kairos. i pray it comes soon.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

uniquity

yes... building your power-vocab...

today was unique because, for the first time in several months (if not longer), i was neither tired nor sleepy all day long. i don't understand how this is possible. i don't remember the last time i had a day like this. i guess 13 hours of sleep the previous night/day helped, but that doesn't fully explain it, because sometimes that much sleep ruins me.

today was very unique, and in a good way. how strange for me.

and how much does that fit, that you and i switched places? aren't we always doing that? so strange.

thank you for more fortunes. they comfort and soothe me. my mind & heart gravitate to negatives, and de-emphasize positives. i need your positive-ness in my life. i need you in order to be healthier. please don't ever stop?

Friday, December 21, 2007

un-depress me

...in 3 complex steps.
  1. i don't want sympathy, or empathy... neither is helpful. i have nothing to be depressed about! and i can't be comforted without a reason, even though i'm depressed for unknown reasons. ask me questions that will yield long, thoughtful answers. example: why are you depressed? lol this one is so funny, because i never really know, but i'm always trying to figure it out, so it's almost a fool-proof question. i'll never be able to give you a quick answer, because a simple "i don't know" would be apathetic, which i'm not; but it's also true that even if the explanation is simple and thorough, i can't give that answer, because i never have it. so you'll inevitably get me to think carefully, which is probably what i need when i'm feeling recklessly.
  2. play me something acoustic. it's got to dance between major and minor. that limbo, or twilight, or sway?, is my ear's favorite place to hang. a few jazz chords usually help, too. poetic lyrics, but not too poetic... you know the kind, where you think you know what the song is about overall, but there are a few lines that completely throw you off.
  3. leave me alone. i mean this in a geographical sense, mostly. if you can think of a way to interact with me without demanding any energy from me for you, then you're probly good. i think perhaps this is due to my overdeveloped sense of responsibility, enhanced by my agape paradigm (1Cor13). i think being with people takes so much out of me, not only because of my introversion, but because i am subconsciously (very much so) assuming that i am giving to the other and not receiving anything in return. i have a hard time receiving anything from people, both by will and by nature.

my God-given addiction

i've always made a case for God as the source of beauty, by pointing out that even if beautiful things came about 'on their own,' it still took some doing for people (and only people) to first recognize and then appreciate that beauty. or if the ability to recognize and appreciate came first, then how and when and why did beauty evolve? and if the desire for beauty is man-made, then how come people from every culture have some appreciation for beauty (whatever its form)? and if beauty itself is man-made, then how are we able to create it on purpose, unless we were made with that desire? and why is it that no one is wholly set against beauty itself? that's a good question for you people who believe that evil and fallen-ness have a significant part to play in humanity's story.

anyway. tonight i'm wondering how my life would have been different if i'd been given no potential for musical expression at all. i've never met or heard of anyone who doesn't like music, any music... which is why this paragraph is the second of this post, and not the first. back on track though: when i'm depressed, music is the only thing that can fully soothe me.

but what if i were an unsophisticated, tone-deaf simpleton? then where would my peace come from? sleep and music are my escape from excess of emotion, and sleep does not come on demand. where would i be without this drug?

i think Music is the only person who consistently meets me where i'm at.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

goodbye

From: Isaiah Micu
Date: Dec 20, 2007 10:36 PM
Subject: Re:
To: anymouse

[name removed]~

whatever you've done, or haven't done, is forgiven. don't be sad for too long; friends come and go. i've been learning this the hard way. you know it already though... anyways, i'll always be your friend, even when our friendship is only memories.

you aren't missing too much with me gone... i know you'll keep growing, especially as you chase after & figure out & work for what's Good and Right. i know God will bless you & Eddie through all that..

if you see any mutual friends of ours, you can tell them to give you a hug for me. =)

write me anytime.

Love,
isaiah

Monday, December 17, 2007

old friends

preface: according to isjamic blog-mythology, the term 'anymouse' came about when sister Hannah Micu (now Hannah Scott, as of Dec. 15 '07) made a simple typo while commenting on one of isaiah's posts. what should have been 'anonymous' got mangled and subsequently immortalized. the only permutation known to have been used at the time of this writing is the plural form, 'anymice.'

moving on.

it was interesting to see so many old friends at the reception yesterday. an ex-girlfriend, that ex-girlfriend's now-husband who was once my best friend, my once-best-friend's once-best-friend who became my once-best-friend's best friend right about the time my then-girlfriend became my ex-girlfriend (to be my once-best-friend's girlfriend instead)...

craziness. it really was good to see [most of] them, though. and i said so. they did, too. i hope i see them again. i'd like to make up the movie i missed with them. the movie's not a big deal; but missing out on that particular circle of friends gathering together again for the first time in many, many months, really hurts.

fortunately i've learned over the years how to accept the coming and going of friends (and adversaries). sure, the Eschaton will be pretty suite, and i verimuch look forward to seeing all those people (including some family and good friends i've never met). but i'm okay with the wait. and i'm okay with absence, almost in the same way i'm okay with silence and darkness.

it's actually far more disconcerting to see someone i never expected to see again, than it is to say goodbye to someone i would never wish to leave.


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Isjami
Date: Jun 19, 2007 5:41 PM
Subject: it's a strange feeling
To: Michelle Diaz, Stephanie Uribe, Kejalo, Laura Stuckemeyer, Valerie A. Elwell

it's a strange feeling when someone just... leaves. relief that i don't have to wrestle with that person anymore... doubts about whether i made good decisions... i dunno.

[18:21] anymouse: i dont feel that this friendship can go any further or that we can learn anything more
[18:21] anymouse: i feel that it is time for goodbye
[18:21] Isjami19: that's your decision at this point
[18:21] anymouse: well i wasnt the only person that agrees with this
[18:21] Isjami19: i don't need to hear about that
[18:22] Isjami19: i don't need you to explain yourself, or validate your decision, or anything
[18:22] Isjami19: i decided beforehand that i would simply accept it
[18:22] anymouse: i didnt feel i needed to validate myself i wasnt going to
[18:22] Isjami19: then why did you tell me you weren't the only one who agreed
[18:22] anymouse: because i felt it needed to be said
[18:22] Isjami19: why
[18:23] anymouse: because thats how i feel
[18:23] Isjami19: why do you feel that way about that
[18:23] Isjami19: ?
[18:23] Isjami19: i don't know is a perfectly acceptable answer
[18:23] Isjami19: that's my answer alot of times
[18:24] anymouse: i felt that you should know that im being supported in my decision and [name removed] isnt one of them
[18:24] Isjami19: i'm wondering, why do you feel that way
[18:25] anymouse: because it makes me feel better knowing thaty ou know
[18:25] Isjami19: do you know why it makes you feel better knowing that you didn't decide on your own?
[18:25] anymouse: i did decide on my own
[18:25] anymouse: but i have other people who agree with my thinking
[18:26] Isjami19: do you know why it makes you feel better knowing that you have other people agreeing with you?
[18:26] Isjami19: knowing that i know that*
[18:26] anymouse: thats not why i feel better
[18:26] Isjami19: because it makes me feel better knowing thaty ou know
[18:26] Isjami19: is what you said
[18:26] Isjami19: why does it make you feel better
[18:26] anymouse: i would have made this decision whether people agreed with me or not
[18:26] Isjami19: ok
[18:26] Isjami19: why does it make you feel better knowing that i know
[18:26] Isjami19: that others agreed
[18:27] anymouse: because it means that there was something wrong with the relqtionship and the fact that i was right to end it and you were wrong makes me feel better
[18:27] anymouse: period of sentence
[18:27] anymouse: i need to go
[18:27] Isjami19: lol nice
[18:27] Isjami19: alright then
[18:27] Isjami19: goodbye
[18:27] Isjami19: thanks for being honest

that was [name removed]. the background is, she has ruined things to the point where we can't ever talk without fighting. she takes everything i say as a challenge or insult, no matter what it is or how i say it. she takes every opportunity to accuse me of doing or thinking or saying something wrong; she never takes any responsibility for any of her actions; she blames all of our conflicts on my supposed flaws; and she refuses to change her mind about anything.

finally i realized how terrible things were, and that nothing i could say or do on my own would make a difference.

then i thought, "i have to do something about this, or else the best that can happen is it will stay this bad." so i decided, "obviously we need help. the only road i see available to us is counseling-- someone to mediate and help us communicate, because right now, it's impossible." the truth is, she was making it impossible.

so i e-mailed the pastor of my church-away-from-church, near Vanguard. he knows [her] and they have trust between them. i said, "can you please help us with counseling, if [she] agrees to it?" i asked him that without telling [her] in advance, and i FWD'd the letter to her as well.

of course she just blew up at me for doing so, but i responded with, "we can talk about it and work it all out... if you agree to counseling. because obviously there's nothing else we can do for this friendship." she just accused me over and over again until finally i got her to answer the question. she said she would think about it.

well, she thought about it for a week, and apparently got "advice" from someone-- that is, she told them a warped version of the story to make them see her side of things, and then used their agreement to validate her feelings.

and then we had that conversation.

i always tell them (my girls): "the only way i will ever stop Loving you, is if you tell me to. nothing else, barring death or something extreme like that, life circumstances that force us apart, nothing can stop me. only you can. i can't Love anyone who doesn't allow me to do so; that would be forcing it, and that just doesn't make any sense."

that's why i'm letting her go. no amount of frustration would ever lead me to abandon anyone; commitment is commitment. yes, it was a relief to let her go, because all of my best efforts were just going to waste; she was taking what i gave and spitting it back in my face. she was ruining every attempt of mine to do something right, something good.

that was the end of it, and i am so relieved... i don't know if you know what a struggle it is for me. i am prepared to put myself through anything if it will serve the person i care about, and even if i am hating it, i will still do it because i Love them. but this time it was not serving her, and she asked me to stop. and that's that.

~ ~ ~

From: anymouse
Date: Dec 16, 2007 1:20 AM
Subject:
To: isjami@gmail.com

hey...

i miss you...

my mind is very unsettled right now but i know that when it does settle it will be on you. as i sit here in front of my new laptop (i got it for my birthday this year) i find that words are difficult to make up for lost time. i have realized with great difficulty and pain that our relationship failed because of me. i was a closed thinker and my inability to critically think was affected by, not only my lack of knowledge and experience, but also by my lack of proper medication. everything that you wanted me to be, everything that you pushed me to be, because you knew i could better is what i have become. but i still find myself lacking something since you have been absent from my life. i know that it is said that everyone leaves footsteps on your heart and memories on your mind, but i think you actually dug a hold and put a plaque with your name on it in the hole to make sure i remembered. i will never forget. i have as well become nocturnal with school and everything going on, i have doubts about my relationship and i wish for nothing more right now but to just be in your presence. you have taught me so much and i want to learn more. i miss you so much i cried myself to sleep last night. please......

i dont even know what to ask you for......forgiveness or friendship? both? i miss my best friend, isaiah.

PS. i passed all my classes and will be transferring to CSUF next fall for my bachelors in psychology/communication.

Monday, December 10, 2007

perhaps

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Rachel Micu
Date: Dec 10, 2007 6:47 AM
Subject: Re: youth ministry
To: Isaiah Micu

Hey Isaiah,

Thanks for forwarding that blogspot to me. What an awesome opportunity that was and what a great guy P. Frank must be. I was really impressed with the reply you gave him. It demonstrated an attitude of humility, gratitude, and putting others first instead of making it all about you.

What you may find interesting is that the very comments the kids gave about you that they saw as 'negative', are the very things I think make you a good leader for youth or adults. Your 'style', if you will, is much like Tom Cotter's Y.P. style. - Quiet, get the kids involved in leading each other so they can grow, and no hype, or what some people refer to as enthusiasm. I've seen many very impressive speakers who have such dynamic presentation. These guys get the Youth minister jobs as well as other pastoring positions. Everyone wants to be around them because they love the energy. But it is most often not truly representative of who they are all the time or what God's spirit is doing in their life. They also most often lack practical leadership and organizational skills. People who really get to know them and hang out with them find out that they are just regular guys who talk up a storm and are witty and fun, but are missing the deep sense of self-confidence that makes someone not need to impress anybody.

I loved most of the comments that I read and they made me proud. You went over there and just showed them You. You didn't try to WOW them with your rapier wit, or go out or your way to shmooze each and every youth in the group. You just showed them who you are and how you like to lead. That's awesome! And I don't know where God will lead you, but someday He will lead you to a place of employment that hires you based on those very same characteristics that kept you from landing the job with P. Frank's church.

I love you, Hon. See you this Thursday!
Mom

~ ~ ~

Posted by Choix Du Jour on Sunday, December 09, 2007 at 9:37 PM

Reading the comments about your intern interview left me smiling and, at the same time, frustrated at what is valued in leaders. 15 years ago in a youth ministry class my professor, Gary Zustiak, remarked that churches who have it in their head that the best youth ministers are the up-front & charismatic people are missing out. I was never the up front guy and this one remark got me thinking that maybe God could use me in youth ministry.


The up-front charismatic leader is part of a model which worked well in attractional churches for a while but is on the way out as culture continues to shift. I can see how God has gifted you for the kind of ministry you want to be involved in.

A listener.
A vocal artist.
Someone who quite often thinks before they speak.
Compassion for the hurting.
Someone not afraid of the silence.
Generous with orthodoxy. :)

Ok, I'm stopping there. Clay poked my left eye and I think I'm blind now.
Tomas

Saturday, December 08, 2007

dancing

i really believe i'm not a pubescent penguin. i'm much more like a man who's never seen his own face before.

through the Farmer's Insurance interview yesterday morning, and through this youth internship interview process, i'm extremely thankful (to God and to others) for the opportunity to learn who i am.

i still don't understand why everyone thought i would be good at it. i have always known that few people really know me well enough to say whether i'll be good or bad at something, but this time, for some reason, i had this tiny bit of hope that maybe they were at least partially right about me.

but who knows both me and youth ministry well enough to divine something like that? no one, i suppose.

you could all be proud of me for not entitling this post "i told you so" ...except for the paragraph you're currently reading. =\

~ ~ ~

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Pastor Frank
Date: Dec 8, 2007 5:53 PM
Subject: Fwd: Youth survey info
To: Isaiah Micu

Isaiah,

I am very grateful for your bringing this past Wednesday's meeting to our youth department. I hope it was a good experience for you.

As promised, I am forwarding a summary of the evening's survey questionaire.

There were a number of positive comments. The students did see some real stengths in you. For those we are truly thankful.

As you read, there were also a few growing edges for you to work on, which I hope prove helpful.

For you, one great encouragement I would give you is to have more confidence in your gifting and that the Lord will go before you to speak or lead any audience. On Wednesday you had kids truly ready to engage with you. Yet, many left feeling that they didn't get to know or really see or engage you.

Depending on how you look at that...it can be an encouragement to know that this was something kids wanted from you.

At this point in time, the search team has further narrowed its search to another candidate.

In all things Isaiah, thank you for seeking the Lord in this an testing the waters of call.

I am so glad that you are my brother.

Frank

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Rachel L. Bracken
To: Pastor Frank, Edmund Rybarczyk, Clark & Dawn Sutherland
Date: Wed, 05 Dec 2007 23:40:05 -0800
Subject: Youth survey info

The schedule of the night was as follows:
Game (student-led) - 15 min.
Isaiah spoke about the importance of Bible stories - 5 minutes
Small groups - 30 min
Worship - 20 min

There were 51 surveys total (including 6 leaders).

The following are the questions and the average score out of ten (with ten being the highest rating):

7.24 - The candidate ran a well-organized meeting.
6.04 - The candidate was able to hold student's attention.
5.88 - The candidate helped me grow deeper in my knowledge of God.
6.36 - The candidate brought the Bible to life tonight.
6.59 - The candidate brought teaching that was practical and relevant.
6.45 - The candidate would get along well with our group.
6.32 - The candidate would make a good youth minister.

The comments provided are below:

It's hard to tell what I think of a man I barely saw. He had someone else
do the game and sent us to small groups almost as soon as he started talking. The time he did spend speaking I got the feeling there was so much more to his words that he wasn't sharing. I think he has a lot of knowledge to share and tonight he just didn't. He spoke in a way that was rather dull and uninteresting. I'm not sure Isaiah would be a good candidate. That fact that I know him only made this harder.

-Didn't seem to interact with students

-Didn't take control of the room
-Small group questions were not quality
-Didn't open the Bible

-Would not work well with group


I only rated so low because he spoke for hardly any time and left us with
our leaders. My leader did a fantastic job, but if Isaiah had shared his story and explained what it meant to him tonight would've meant more to me. I liked the singing portion, however, my rating aren't what I really think, it's just that I have incomplete ideas about him.

Kinda boring needs more personality and interaction with students. Seemed
to keep to himself.

Great job but needs to do more talking.


I liked how he sang worship instead of someone else we didn't know :)


He knows his stuff and knows God. But I think that enthusiasm would be
better. I also think that his lesson was good, but I think more explanation would've been better.

I feel like I didn't get a sense of who he was, he wasn't loud and
outgoing and he seemed like part of the high school group.

He is cool. I thought he was in high school and was a student. Lol!!


I like toast.


He didn't talk that much.


I think we need something between Isaiah and Jeremy.


I thought he was alright. He didn't hold my attention much…Boring….


Was too quiet.


Too quiet.


Kept to himself seemed almost too shy to belong in our group.


More Energy!


He's too quiet for our group.


He had a straight forward plan.


He's too quiet.


He is very knowledgeable.


He didn't really bring it o life, but he told us about parts of the bible
greatly.

He didn't really teach but he told us the relevance of the stories.


Too quiet.


He is smart, but I don't think he is right for the Y.G.


Too Quiet.

He didn't do anything except a little teaching and singing. Didn't hear another word, no talking to students.

Needs to do something with us.


Interact.


He has been in church for how long and still never did anything with the
Youth and now he wants to be a youth minister? Think about it.

He didn't teach anything he just has the students talk about the Bible. He
didn't try to talk with the students in free time, he just stayed in the back. He wasn't as prepared as he could have been. He would be an okay leader but not a pastor.

He did not do very well as an actual minister, but he is a nice guy.


I love Isaiah.


Well he would make an amazing pastor but he (Isaiah) needs to learn how to
be more energetic and outgoing talk and know the group. But yet the mood he brings is amazing.

QUIET


I think he could get along with us if he (k)new the group more.
He did though teach me many things. After tonight I have a different feeling!

He needs to sing louder and tell us a Bible story not what he thinks about
it.

I know that Isaiah is very knowledgeable, but a concern I have is how he
would make it understandable to our group. Another concern I have is how he would relate to us, and his ability to handle a group of our energy.

I know he is very good at one on one council advice, but it is harder and
much more challenging when it concerns a large group of people in different stages of life and with different experiences.

Too quiet; amazing singer.

~ ~ ~

i knew all these things about myself already... just not as experientially and certainly as i do now. youthful features: check. quiet: check. i enjoy singing: check. not a good youth-pastor: check. nobody else knew already, i guess, or they would've told me. right? you would've told me, right?

no... i shouldn't hold anyone responsible for teaching me who i am. not through a simple, "so who do you think i am?" so i won't. i could never do that (not at this age). this is life, messy and gradual and complicated and challenging and rewarding (sometimes in unexpected ways).

actually, i think this might be more about what i am than who.

~ ~ ~

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Isaiah Micu
Date: Dec 8, 2007 7:25 PM
Subject: youth ministry
To: Pastor Frank

Pastor Frank,

thank you so much for the opportunity you gave me. i benefited from it in many ways; i'm still processing all of them, still figuring out what they mean to me.

i'm impressed by the wisdom of the group. they know what their values (as evangelical youth ministry students) should be.

i'm grateful for a better understanding of who and what i am. my goal is to be employed, but my higher goal is to have a thorough and accurate knowledge of my purpose in life. i want to know what God wants to do with me, and this process was extremely helpful for that.

i'm disappointed that the students weren't able to take more from the night, but i understand why. i'm continuing to pray for the group and their future youth pastor, and for the search committee, and for you, and for your congregation here in SoCal.

thanks again, for everything: breakfast, conversation, opportunity, care. a pastor's ability to love so many people, corporately and individually (whether members of their congregation of not!) will always amaze me.

see you tomorrow morning!

-isaiah

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

do you enjoy keeping secrets from me?

i only enjoy keeping those secrets which i know will be revealed to you in full later on, and which are pleasant to think about. examples: birthday and Christmas gifts; good news about my job search; something fun that i don't have time to tell you about until later; anything fun that would be better shared in person.

i'm beginning to realize that there's more fueling my anger than what i've discovered (and shared) so far. i'm certainly not looking forward to the days when you'll have to keep secrets from me constantly.

God help me

myself

I want you to know I'm praying for the Lord's anointing, purpose, and blessing for you tomorrow night. Go and be yourself!

I'm proud of you.

Ed

~ ~ ~


you'd think a guy with a PhD who had me in 7 classes would know me better.

i've been trying to justify his lack of understanding, and i think i've finally done it. the truth is, he and i have the same problem, except on opposite ends of the spectrum. he thinks too highly of me, to the point where he thinks can do well by 'being myself.'

and i think so lowly of myself that if i simpy be myself, i'm certain to fail.

then again... maybe that's why he mentioned the anointing.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

the book of isjami

i've got it.

after years of wishing and pouting and occasional muddled thinking, i know how to organize my 'book.' it won't really be a book... i guess it'll be an e-book? anyway, i always sort of wanted to, but i never knew how. i'm not a book-writer! i'm a blog-poster. we're two different animals. i thought i would simply give each post a theme, and have maybe 12 themes total, and people could click a theme and read random posts from each theme that way. but that's too messy and not very interesting or fun.

rather than organize the posts by their own themes, i'll organize my posts by the themes of my chapters in life.

"uh... isn't that the same thing??"

no!! doing the former means that the book would be organized by its own content. the latter means the book will be organized by the content of my life.

"aaaand that makes a difference because...???"

because rather than clicking on [my faith] and reading a post about church, you'll find yourself reading a post about my girlfriend.

"so what?"

so: by organizing them this way, i'll accomplish the following:

the reader will be invited not just to read and reflect, but to read, apply, and reflect. it's easy to see how church affected my faith. t isn't so obvious, even to me sometimes, how my girlfriend affected my faith. this will require me to reflect even further on my life and how its various (and sometimes disparate) parts affected each other, and it will require the interested reader (yes, i'm shooting for a single, solitary interested reader) to do the same... with the help of a little extra commentary by me.

some posts will have multiple labels. the train post (most, if not all two or three of you, have read that one) might list these labels: "faith, intimate relationships, songwriting, generosity." and the post just prior to the one you're reading now might list "perplexity, faith, responsibility."

that's another benefit of writing this thing... the most prominent themes of my life will rise to the top, and i'll be able to take off my glasses for a moment and examine them with the naked eye. you understand, right? i'll be able to take a look at the way i take a look at life!

i hope you realize how transcendentally cool that is.

i don't even know

i always knew, intuitively and now experientially, that embracing romance would wreak havoc on my mind. it's tearing my life apart, too, but that's different because my life needs to be torn down. i need room to build something new, something i can fully own.

dang tangents. as i was saying: romance wreaking havoc. i am verimuch not looking forward to rearranging my values. why should any man have to choose between reason and emotion? where's the potential for integration here? it's a both-and!!

another theme of this transition period, and, i'm sure, of the following chapter as well: "life is messy." and it only gets worse and worse the more you strive. more and more complexity, more and more responsibility; more and more work to do. more kinds of work to do, even. more important work to do.

and this is what i asked Him for, isn't it? "tell me what to do. give me something to do. this is how isaiah can best love You: by being obedient. amen." such an admirable, naive prayer. what have i gotten myself into. i don't even know.

i don't even know.

Monday, December 03, 2007

things you do that infuriate me

top three

#3. when you give up.

#2. when you don't care, and say so; or, when you do care, but think and say that you don't.

#1. when you decide or act or think or speak, without knowing why you're making that decision, performing that action, thinking that thought, or speaking those words.