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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

identity philosophy

"to do is to be" - Nietzsche

"to be is to do" - Kant

"do be do be do" - Sinatra

~ ~ ~

during my undergrad career, i was a student, and a Christian. for me, that meant that my primary purposes for living were 1) to grow as a theologian, and 2) to love people, particularly those who were in great need of sacrificial love.

now i feel released from both of those. i cannot simply love whoever needs to be loved, the way i used to. that would be inappropriate for a committed boyfriend (and unfair to Valerie). i would like to grow as a theologian, but because i have no tangible goal or purpose for such growth, i lack the motivation.

i ceased to be a songwriter when Andrew got married. i ceased to be a worship leader this past week when Cameron transferred those responsibilities to Danica and Glenda. i no longer lead Vizion, my laptop was stolen a few days ago, i haven't done any real web-work in months, and i have no job.

i'm just sitting here waiting. every once in awhile, i make a phone call or fill out an application or show up for a test or interview. i no longer know who i am because i was depending on my activities to define me.

well, now it's all up to me. no one's making decisions for me anymore. but it's circular, right? in order to decide who i am, i must make choices based on who i am. a non-person is incapable of making meaningful, right choices. a non-person may as well be a random number generator. but i'm not a non-person... it's just that i don't know what my personality is, or how to uncover it. if i am who i am, apart from whatever my uses or responsibilities or activities, then how can i discover the nature of that person? not by sitting around and enjoying myself. but what should i do instead? how can i know what to do unless i know who i am? but how can i know who i am unless i am doing something?

i feel disconnected from everything. i jump back and forth between homes; i can't put down roots. i'm welcomed wherever i go, which is great... but it sucks because if i belong everywhere, then there's nowhere i don't belong, and i have no boundaries anymore-- no way of defining myself.

i don't even know. i don't even know.

dear ghost-of-royalty

we're more acquaintances now than close friends. but i still feel i can ask you this question, because you knew who i was when i still did.

not really sure when i started losing me. maybe it was senior year of college, when i realized that 1) i wasn't being called to vocational ministry, and 2) i was coming to the end of a road i hadn't understood when i chose it. i've said it before, and i'll say it again: that i don't regret my choice. but it's so strange, this limbo. i finished the last chapter, and now i know what the next chapter holds (hopefully, anyway). but who am i in the meantime? if you had to wait until the afterlife to find out whether you were 'saved' or not, how would you feel, if you found yourself waiting in purgatory?

i'm not waiting for good or bad. i'm waiting for me. but i can't wait. me is partly who i decide to be. i used to know who i was and what i was here for. now i feel useless.

i don't know why i'm alive right now.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

back to normal

today was unnaturally happy and peaceful. current events / circumstances are mixed, as always, so that can't explain my amazing mood today. maybe it's a result of my emotional outburst last night. i haven't cried that hard in... forever? never.

but now it's back to the same old angsty me. "what is afflicting me, and how can i fix my life, and why can't i just see the future so i can make perfect decisions?" makes sleeping difficult. hence my title tonight.

my next post will hopefully include a long list of all the ways in which my life is strange right now. things have not turned out any of the ways i imagined they might. (confession: i think i am lost. a perpetual new moon... and in the absence of my guide, artificial lights cast lots for my loyalty. in foolish defiance, i follow none of them, and end up nowhere. eff.)

i need Wisdom, and patience. and courage. pray for these for me?

Monday, November 05, 2007

sun-bathing?!

this is a very odd time of day for me to be blogging.

this is a very time for me to be awake. dang time-changes and... i don't even know. it took me at least an hour to get to sleep last night, but i think i dozed off before 1am! and this morning i lay in bed for an extra hour after i woke up, and when i looked at the clock finally, it was 8:55a!

anxiety attacks, inexplicable urges to be outside, to stay away from my room, fear of the dark... what is that. who is that? last night i didn't even turn on my laptop before going to bed! and i felt better than i had the rest of the week. more at peace. it felt like peace was actually flowing into the room through my open window, maybe to make up for the emotional battles on nights preceding.

i've been feeling the changes in the story for months and months now. what i wasn't expecting was this: that i would become more dependent on people. this is backwards. i'm getting older. i'm supposed to be moving towards independence.

i keep telling myself i need a retreat, but i don't have the resources to take it. i do know that i've been enjoying the changes so far, except for this most recent. i think i'm losing my grip on something essential to my health, something at the core of my personality that's not supposed to change.

this is all wrong. i need to get out.