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Saturday, June 30, 2007


that's fascinating. it apparently has two very different meanings. lost in translation? or perhaps found. i think i like that better.

i have this theory: if i never reflected on my feelings-- that is, if i never made an effort to be aware of and identify my emotions-- then they would have complete control over me. but because i am aware of them, i have many battles to fight. so i have this choice: to surrender and save myself the effort of a battle i must repeat daily, a battle i must often lose; or to fight it and hopefully learn something of the art of war.

a pretty simple, and actually, a pretty easy choice for me. but it seems i'm not learning very much. someone send me (or write me! you know who you are) a book on understanding the human heart.

i wonder if some cranky people are simply surrendered people. maybe they're cranky because they feel bad for an unknown reason. i know that'd make me cranky... even if i didn't know that i didn't know i was feeling something i didn't understand, i would still be affected by it. emotions are right there next to our consciousness, and sometimes hiding behind it.

so many of the interpersonal conflicts in my life could have been quickly resolved, or even prevented entirely, if both parties involved had started out with a clear understanding of what they were feeling, and why, and how it was affecting them. so many of my own conflicts in general, could be solved or prevented that way. i could live a much healthier life than i am living now.

sleep is important; i know that. music and especially singing are important. moon-bathing, which probably has to do with some kind of need for beauty, or perhaps a need for something transcendent. being with people is important, and being by myself is important. being awake at night is important, for some reason; i haven't quite figured that one out yet, beyond what i've already said about beauty and being alone. love is important, but it complicates everything, so instead of two armies facing off and taking turns firing, they're using guerrilla warfare and high-tech weaponry and all kinds of crazy Sun-Tzu tactics. i've learned prayer is important, even if i don't believe it will change anything externally.

maybe i have learned some things after all.

but it isn't enough. i need to understand it more. i need to, in order to live life better.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

the cost of a change of heart

conflicts make me stronger and wiser. and older... i had thought that leaving VU would mean leaving behind my opportunities for growth. but these new challenges of life are exactly what i need at this stage. i can feel my confidence growing-- not concerning anything in particular, but overall. even though struggles make me exhausted, or hurting, or even afraid (a rare experience in my story), i value them when i've come through to the other side.

it's always been this way. Llaura's the best example. i guess i just wasn't expecting it to continue.

God help me become me... amen...

Sunday, June 24, 2007

the deep

this is just ridiculous. i'm tired of trying to figure myself out. every time i think i've made progress, my newfound understanding is over-turned-inside-out and i have to once again admit that i have no clue how my heart works.

emotions are supposed to have causes. i am supposed to be sad only when something sad happens to me! i'm supposed to be happy when life-circumstances are great, satisfied when someone fulfills me, angry when my friends are mistreated. instead i find myself provoked to any of a dozen dozen emotions, seemingly at random each time, as if i'm rolling a 144-sided die. and only ten or so are identifiable.

in many cultures, especially in the ancient past, the ocean has been a symbol of chaos and unpredictability. as a whole, it was literally 'unfathomable;' no one knew what was down there because no one could go there. that's how i feel about me. i can't hold my breath long enough to explore the most interesting, dangerous canyons; there is no light; i can't even swim better than a 4-year-old who's just learned how, let alone map the sea bed a mile or two down.

i can't live very efficiently this way. i really hope life never requires of me the wisdom i thirst for so much.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

*still* learning to breathe

i would expect me to understand how this process works, but maybe being around computers so long has ruined me. shouldn't i be able to simply call up a memory, and have it displayed before my mind in clear, complete, intelligible format? and shouldn't it be that my mind is ruled by NTFS and GIGO rather than ruined by selfish motives, subconscious schemata, and whatever unique circumstances are applicable to me at the moment of recall?

example: when waking up from an accidental 8p-11p nap, one should not have to suppress feelings of jealousy. hey... come to think of it, that's the second time this past week! what is wrong with me?

my personal self-scan reminds me that evening naps are a bad idea, almost invariably. it also reminds me that i can very quickly become used to a routine... or forget it completely, if it ceases. but the transition is fast, not necessarily painless. and then there are those expectations that i have come to expect, in the sense that i form them without even knowing that i do so.

sometimes my memory serves alright, though, especially if it has this blog to help from time to time.

perhaps it's a healthy thing sometimes, this jealousy. maybe in small doses? theoretically it could be used to sharpen my affection for you. i realize that sounds strange, using one emotion with bad connotations to manipulate another that people generally think of as positive, but it makes sense to me. like some sharp-edged implement of murder being used to dice the onions for a tasty dinner.

i'm learning some things all over again, and other things for the first time; and some things i'm trying desperately to un-learn. one of the hardest parts of all this, is trying to figure out what life has me majoring in, and how to go about choosing courses and doing well in them.

i guess some people would call me naturally romantic, and others might even describe me as Lllloving; but life (my perception of it, at least; and whose else should i be using??) has been describing me as flawed lately. in fact, i'd say that theme has become more prominent in this chapter of my story. amazing! i didn't think it possible.

no, i take that back. it isn't that i'm just now learning how flawed i am. it's that i'm just now beginning to see my flaws with some degree of accuracy. before, i magnified the few that i knew about, and made up several more in my head; now, i'm being overwhelmed by many (they're looking at me, now, instead of the other way 'round), and discarding my ideas about some that don't truly exist. it's a tough job, and no one can do it except...

...well, that's interesting. the answer is me, as usual, but with the additional whomever i form intimate relationships with.

*deep, satisfied breath*

and that realization quite nicely ties together two of this chapter's uniquely prominent themes: my flaws and the restoration of my will to love.

why the moon is dark sometimes

because reflection becomes very tiring after 28 days.