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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

getting hurt

i hear alot of talk about people getting hurt by people, and about people being afraid of getting hurt by people, and about people forming protective habits that will hopefully prevent the harming of themselves by people.

i have a low tolerance for physical pain; if officially tested, i'd probly be categorized as 'wuss.' but i find that 99% of people are 99% incapable of truly harming me. i'm trying to figure out why this is.

#1. i often purposely make myself very vulnerable to people, so it isn't that i'm hidden behind a protective wall of that sort. (for example: the fact that this blog is public shows how much i hide.) in fact, i think perhaps making myself vulnerable is what often keeps me from getting hurt.

#2. for a guy, i'm fairly effeminate, personality-wise; even some of my physical mannerisms show it. furthermore, i'll be moved to tears by an excellent movie or story or song, if i let myself. i can seem sort of apathetic or emotionally dull sometimes, but that's just because i mostly internalize things, so that they don't show. conclusion: i don't have a cold heart, or a heart of stone, or whatever you'd call it.

#3. i grew up home-schooled, and i'm very strong-willed. these two things (and probly other things) helped me become someone who isn't much affected when other people try to affect me. i've found that in many cases, i can 'turn off' my 'affectibility.' for example, roller-coasters (even the hardcore ones) usually thrill me for about 3 seconds. after that, it feels like a drive through the country, for me. i simply shut off my "OMG!!!" switch. i can do it with my natural environment, and my social environment as well.

#4. i tend to not care about myself. somehow i manage to be selfish anyway; don't ask me how (yet). but seriously, if you don't care about yourself, what've you got to fear? only things that threaten what you do care about, of course! and by the way, i am actually in the habit of purposely seeking out uncomfortable-ness. i think that's helped me become un-hurt-able.

#5. when people don't live up to my subconscious, automatic expectations, i hurt for them, not for me. if it somehow results in me getting the short end of the stick, well... i don't deserve any better, and no one owes me anything, and i owe everyone everything (rom13:8), so what's the big deal? it's just another opportunity to give of myself. i like those.

so basically, you can't really hurt me, except by hurting yourself. and you don't want to do that. so i think i'm pretty much set, except that i sometimes hurt myself pretty bad. and then there are the times when i hurt others, and that's just a huge mess. maybe that's one of the reasons i don't reach out to people unless i have a really good reason. i recognize that in a casual / acquaintance situation, i'm likely to be more of an enemy than a friend.

Monday, February 12, 2007

lex credendi...

...lex orandi. a little backwards, i know, but i think Rybarczyk will forgive me.

it's been a long time since i truly believed in something i was praying. likewise, it's been a long time since i really took the W/word to heart, and had it stick. i've been bad soil, or rocky soil, or a hard dirt path, for a long time.

:the law of belief is the law of prayer. we know what we believe by looking at what we really pray. and prayer is lopsided if all we're doing is asking, or searching, or praising. there needs to be some receiving going on. no complaints there, right? all you doubting Thomases? =)

i think i can call myself a Christian now. the task from here, on, is to live as what/who i've already been made into.

Saturday, February 10, 2007


i don't usually do this. sorry for the lack of content. i don't know which chapter of my story this is... i'll have to reflect on that, next post. i just feel the need to dog-ear this page, as not every chapter has an obvious beginning to it.
  • Kilmer
  • van
  • Rami
  • best-y
  • setting sun
  • daydream
it really is like reading a book, sometimes. these major changes sneak up on you. fascinating...

Thursday, February 08, 2007

is death natural?

if there was no death before the Fall, then what did lions eat? did leaves never turn their color? how many mosquitoes were there by the time humans Ruined creation's perfection?

would the earth have constantly grown larger to accommodate a limitless number of people?

either there's something wrong with "no death before the Fall," or else death is natural.

there are beginnings and endings to things; that's just how it is. even we Christians who will live forever, must admit that there was a time when we weren't. and some things that have been here for thousands and thousands of years (i'm only ten-teen, and i can't remember all of my life!) will be ended and re-created. songs, beautiful and well-written ones, have endings. the very best things in our lives are just waiting to be forgotten (eventually).

and i like it that way.

i don't know what i would do if every acquaintance became a friend, and every friend promised to walk like with me forever. i would be completely suffocated. i would explode. i need space.

of course, it's a whole spectrum, like most things in life. intimacy versus isolation. i don't want to stray too far into either realm, although i admit my personal 'golden mean' (Aristotle) is not necessarily yours. and it changes from chapter to chapter, too. plus, i need to make sure i don't necessarily make them polar opposites; there are ways to integrate rather than balance.

anyway... the point is, things are supposed to end. some things last longer than others.

the trick is to either 1) have them end well, or 2) resurrect them afterwards, so they can begin the life cycle again.

i want to be a magician.