in a few months, i'll go back to Fresno, my home. for now, and for the past three school years, i've had two halves of a life instead of one whole life. i know i've blogged and spoken of this before; i'll assume you know what i mean.
life is alot different here.
- i have to answer to professors instead of parents
- i live with peers instead of siblings
- i have to get up in the morning
- i have less friends
- the friends i do have here, aren't as close
- i depend on others for rides when i go out places
- i sing and play less
- i write songs here (i've only written one at home)
- less play, more work
- less peace, more stress
- i'm more oriented by my life's content than by my personality
- (not sure how else to describe it; i'm less me here)
one thing that makes home better, is the knowledge that i'll always come back to it. here, it seems like everything i do is temporary. i can start (or allow) a new friendship, but i know it's going to be over before long. i can get a job, but only for a few months. i can let Dave put me on the adult worship team rotation, but i might as well have him ask me about it each time, since the total will only be about 3 times more... and then i'll be off the rotation for good.
but when i'm visiting at home, i can start something knowing that even though i might leave it, i'll be coming back to it eventually.
one thing home has that VU doesn't, is family. ironic that it took my leaving for VU (as well as one or two other major events/influences) to improve my relationships with them. kind of like that irony where you don't know how much something matters to you until you lose it. i have friends both here and there, but i only have family there.
one thing home lacks, though, is the learning that happens here. i'm in class most weekdays, soaking stuff in. alot of the facts i absorb will eventually leak back out, but i learn more than just facts. for example, i'm not just learning things, i'm learning how to learn things. i'm being taught what to think, in some cases, but above that i'm learning how to think. that doesn't happen as much at home, unless you count learning about people and myself through experiences, as opposed to learning about theories and methods through words.
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my life is sort of like my friendship with you. right now, it (our friendship) exists through the limited mediums of internet and telephone contact. as long as we're separated by these 1,162 miles, it's like we're living half of a friendship.
just as the disconnect between me and my home life hinders my ability to be me, the distance between you and me hinders our ability to be us. why? because, as i've said in other posts, we are whole persons; i am more than a mind with which you communicate, and more, even, than a heart with which you empathize.
i was thinking today as i walked back from Dogterom class, how vulnerable i am as a whole person, to my physical environment. smelling someone's perfume could bring back memories of some significant relationship in my past; thus what happens to my body happens to me as a whole. if it starts raining, i'm put in a better mood, and that affects everything i do that day. how often am i vulnerable to the moods of other people? how often am i spiritually attacked? not nearly as often as i'm affected by my physical environment.
being friends across this distance, attenuates who we are (not 'you and i,' but 'us').
just as my life here is different and not necessarily worse (at least at first glance), my friendship with you is different and not necessarily worse. our conversations would be very different, i think, if we only talked with each other in person. in fact, our friendship would be very different today if we had never talked online, but only face-to-face. we may have missed out on some very significant interactions, had we always lived next door to each other.
but it's just as obvious to me that we're missing out on things, as is. there's a great deal that our friendship is lacking, in comparison to my friendships with Caleb and KT and Evan and my little sister Leah. Leah and i rarely have conversations, but we have a good relationship. what does it consist of?? well, when i come home from VU she yells my name and pounces on me, and doesn't let go until she has to. she asks me to play Disney songs whenever my iTunes is running, and sometimes i watch parts of her movies with her. i've also watched movies with KT and Caleb and Evan, and though i love conversing with those three, i could go for weeks without a serious conversation; i'd be mostly content to just be with them.
it's a strange way of missing someone, i guess, but i resent the circumstances that keep us apart, even as i experience & express great gratitude for what we do have. and might i be so bold as to say: for all your misgivings about physical closeness in general, and for all your talk of 'nightmares' and 'cooties' (lol), i don't think you'd complain much about living close by, if that were somehow the case.
i should get back to my homework... i hope you're not as tired today as i am. =) or if so, i hope you find more nap-time than i do.
less than three