it repulses me how disrespectful the person was. it repulses me how you let the person be that disrespectful. it repulses me, the way you thought of pi at the time. it angers me. and i'm frustrated that i seem to be carrying the weight of it, even though it's so far in the past and you're different now. we're different now.
but even when i was that age, experiencing some of those things, i always assigned it great significance. i never knew what that significance was, but i knew something important was happening. and i was committed-- naively, imperfectly, temporarily, genuinely, wholly committed. and i'm angry that i seem to have this stupid holier-than-thou perspective, as if i'm somehow better because of these things. i'm not!!
i'm angry, and disappointed, because it is so rare for me to think, "that is very unattractive." i don't know how to handle it.
relationships... i've thought of them as (and pursued / engaged in them as!) sacred, ever since the beginning of my relationship with God. i haven't been consistent or perfect-- in fact, i have my own sordid history of sacrilege-- but i began well and am ending well. and i helped others, many others, to do the same. am helping! and i know this doesn't make me a better person than anyone else, but then i have to wonder, "why am i not as repulsed by my own self as i am by these stories you tell me?"
i should be. i have been! ...but that doesn't solve the problem for me. i don't know why.
i even dreamt of it. i remember asking you questions about it, and waiting for you to ask me how i felt about it all. i remember starting to have a conversation about it with you, but then we arrived at your family's house for Christmas festivities. i said hi to your grandma (the one i like more) and then the dream ended. when i woke up, i was angry and disturbed and everything else i've described above. i so desperately wish the entry had ended with, "i wish i hadn't done any of it at all... i feel so cheap" instead of "it's a good thing i didn't take that last step... totally not worth it." i wish i could feel the same conviction you felt (at some point?) about all the cheap-ness. all the desecration.
maybe inaction isn't enough to feel the full weight of redemption. maybe we're being too mainstream evangelical, and not Catholic enough. maybe cleaning house isn't enough; maybe replacing all the old stuff with new stuff is what we need. maybe replacing the bad with good instead of empty is what i'm looking for. maybe penance is about ritual and somatic aesthetics, rather than soteriology.
i don't know. i'm just guessing at this point. i wish i had spent as much time and energy learning from Dogterom as i did from Rybarczyk.
things will change when we have our own home, our own life (and all that that implies). that ritual will be life-changing. heart-changing. metanoia. kairos. i pray it comes soon.