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Saturday, October 28, 2006

BRICK

that was.. what? my 4th time watching it? 3rd? something. still amazing. i caught a few more things this time; i'll probably catch more the next time. sort of crazy, that a movie could be so detailed and clever.

sooo there's this phone booth that plays a big part in the movie. it's at the intersection of Camino Del Rio and Calle Sarmentosa, in San Clemente. i google'd it; it's about 30min from Vanguard. i want to go there. it would be cool to visit the high-school, too... i think i found it.

that's all. =)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

winter

a few weeks ago, i experienced a brief period (maybe 4-5 days) during which i had alot of energy. it was a little scary... it was completely unlike me to feel so awake and alive, so consistently, for that long.

i passed the balance awhile back, so i'm living life uphill now. at least, i think that's what's happening. circumstances haven't changed much, but i seem to be very different in mood than i was a few weeks ago. i feel very at peace, yet my mind is scattered; i have many reasons to be joyful or desperate or introspective or complacent, or all of the above, but none of them seem to take hold for very long.

it's fairly complicated; i have no clue what's going on, except that 1) i haven't been blogging, and 2) i really need some rest. i won't be getting much of it anytime soon, either.

i miss blogging.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

suite!

the 6am (or so) bird just called!

that has made my morning. =)

who will suffer through me?

sometimes i want to listen to you.
sometimes i want to just hang with you.
sometimes i want to do something specific with you.
sometimes i want to talk with you.

sometimes i just want to talk to you. is that annoying? i sometimes use blogs for that reason.

awhile ago, i had this idea for an audio blog, and now i'm thinking it's time to implement it. but i need your cooperation, in three respects.
  1. you've got to volunteer to listen. no point, otherwise.
    it just makes sense. in addition to the obvious reason (why talk to peeps who aren't listening?!), i want to point out that, i would much rather have a very specific audience in mind when recording my voice. it helps me come up with thoughts to share and words to share them. knowing specifically who is listening, helps me talk.

  2. you've got to exercise a ton of patience.
    this would be new for me. i don't think it would come as naturally to me as blogging does. with a blog, i can go back and correct things, add things, subtract things... i can spend as much time as i want or need to, polishing and perfecting. with this audio blog, i would just want to go for it, and that is a risk that i cannot control very much. if you know me well, you know that i do not take uncalculated risks. this would be a very messy enterprise, and i would need your help with containing (or at least forgiving!) that mess. =)

  3. you've got to work with me on the technical aspect.
    the "embed" tag is the first thing that comes to mind, but with all the different software and stuff out there, i can't be sure one method would work for everyone. so i would need your feedback and cooperation in making things work technically. it might even involve installing a special plug-in or something, who knows.
enough explaining! let me know if you are interested.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Jesus is absurd

"it's not fair."

you're darn right, it isn't fair. it may not even be wise, but you know what, Jesus was stupid when he went to the cross.

think about it. if You are God, are You going to kill yourself? come on!!! that's the stupidest idea ever! if you were Bill Gates, would you throw all of your money into the ocean and hope that a few poor lost sailors will pick up a few bucks of it here and there? stupid again!!

utter foolishness. there's no point sacrificing more than you have to. if there's a new guy at church and he's having trouble fitting in, but you're someone's girlfriend, you're not going to go hang out with this guy one-on-one every week to develop a strong friendship with him, because what the heck!? you have a boyfriend! it wouldn't be fair.

so stupid. Jesus killed himself so that some people would be saved.

we should all be very careful and frugal when deciding how much of ourselves Christ wants us to give.

~ ~ ~

are you a Christian? can i emphasize the first six letters of that word? what are you, that you can identify yourself with Christ? what is in you that is like him?

perhaps the question isn't how much of yourself to give-- i believe we're all called to die empty, if at all possible-- but how you give all of yourself. obviously you have to feed yourself as well as others, because if you don't, you'll die, and that's not the grand. i am guessing Jesus calls most of us to live for him, not die for him. (i mean death in the literal sense; i think our present context calls for something other than martyrdom. feel free to disagree, though- and don't forget to explain why!)

when considering how much to give, and how to give it, have the mind and heart of Christ. there is a place for wisdom and prudence, but... i mean, think of the early Christian church. they testified to their beliefs, through word and deed, in the face of the Roman government. Rome had absolutely no problem with taking away your children if you so much as spoke Jesus' name! before Constantine's little theophany, you would have been considered unfit for parenting if you believed in Jesus.

that means that, back in the day, following Jesus could mean sacrificing your family.

if you don't think that's fair, you're right. Jesus' life wasn't very fair, either. i think that, if he'd raised a family of his own, he would have taught them the importance of sacrifice. we should do the same. we should strive for the stupidity of the cross; we should take on the absurdity of Jesus.

ask Him what you might be holding back, that He might be asking you to give. ask Him, if you are brave enough.

Torah

i would love it, if i could post a quality blog every day. but i'm no Pharisee; i won't go making more laws for myself, as if i didn't have enough to break already. i've got lots of stuff i could blog about, but the passion has to be there, you know?

well. it's 1:51a, and i am home alone-- no idea where my roomfriends are, though i suspect Jesse went home to Hemet-- and i have just finished eating two of Jesse's frosted strawberry poptarts. i missed dinner. =(

no one's online, nothing new on myspace, and i have zero energy but i'm not sleepy. i hate that feeling. i know... you do, too. lame, huh?? it's because i've messed myself up so bad, as far as sleeping habits go. the fact is, i have no sleeping habit right now. *sigh*

*another sigh*

you know what i hate even more than being tired-but-not-sleepy? being absolutely unmotivated to do anything that would normally be enjoyable. i have books to read, movies to watch, junk food to eat, sleeping people to leave messages for, lyrics to write, problem to solve... but i don't want to do any of that. i'm not sure i even want to have fun at all, right now.

i guess that's what being bored really is. it's not that there's nothing to do; it's that nothing to do would be fun. it's my mood that's boring, not my circumstances. i'm just drained. maybe tomorrow will be better.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

learning to Breathe

EDIT: this post was originally intended to simply express my joy in praying with God, rather than just to Him; i hoped to show people that it is possible to grow in faith, because i have rarely experienced that in my life. i just haven't been good soil for encouragement in that area. i've had the hardest time actually believing that God interacts with His people today, in noticeable ways.

i want to add something onto this post now, a specific purpose: i want to challenge you to give God a chance to speak. as You're talking at Him, be ready for His interruptions. He might make them, and He might not, but how will you know if you never give Him the chance during prayer? believe that He wants to teach you, and at one point or another, He will.

okay, done! read on. the post begins with a compliment:


Jonathan Foreman is brilliant. (contact me if you've never heard this song.)

breathing is so instinctual that we do it even when we're unconscious. we can only stop breathing for about... oh... a few minutes, at the most. if we practice. (is that right? someone correct me.)

Hello, good morning, how d'ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
This is the way

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how ya been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never thought I could fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
That I say I love You
This is the way
That I say I'm Yours
This is the way
This is the way


i've never grown tired of this song, in all the time i've known it (years). it's so true; i'm just now learning how to Breathe.

yesterday a friend of mine hit a glitch in lor Story, and i didn't know what to do except pray. i didn't even know what the glitch was; i just knew it had taken place. so we prayed for len in my capstone class at 1p, but... i kept worrying. maybe i could've calmed myself down, but i didn't want to. i don't think it was the unhealthy kind of worrying. it was more an intense concern. (i hope. ¬_¬)

anyway, in Spiritual Disciplines @ 2:30p, we talked about prayer as relational. for three hours. but in the middle of that, we took 15m break, and i went to the comp lab to check on len. i read the blog again, and decided i should probably pray. but there's a problem: see the Q i asked in the post just under the one you're reading now? yeah. that. i have a problem asking God for things when i am pretty sure He's either 1) not granting the same request for someone who needs it more, or 2) has never answered a similar request of mine in the past.

sooo having just discussed the fact that prayer is really like deep conversation between friends (rather than an ATM machine transaction), i decided to pray this:

i know You hear me.

i know You are there, listening, watching. maybe You're even speaking. maybe Your silence is best. maybe You're unnoticed, yet still so present. maybe You care more than i do about len, and about lor situation. maybe i feel like You need to do something, and maybe i'm scared that You won't, because i know that sometimes, You don't.

i am so trained to fix things, to anticipate happy endings. i don't know what else there is to do, God...

perhaps You can teach us. i'm game.

amen.


in the time it took the prayer to publish, this thought was... impressed? upon me: "keep lor situation in mind." (God didn't say 'lor,' but i have to, so... yeah. just clarifying. ;) "just keep thinking about it."

uhm... what the heck? my mind doesn't come up with stuff like that... not in that way. it's like when a friend tells you, "okay, close your eyes," and you keep asking them what the surprise is, but they won't tell you. so you just have to follow the sound of their voice until you get to... wherever it is they're taking you.

so i did.

and about... oh... 15 seconds later, after i had already exited the lab and begun walking back to class, i realized three things: 1) i can't do anything to help, 2) God does care more than i do; He will do what He does and be exactly Who He is, and 3) the first thing i realized is more a command than a confession. in other words: don't try to fix it. just leave it alone, let Me be 'intensely concerned' and not you. (...oh, and by the way: you're on the right track with those prayers.)

that is definitely not something i would come to on my own. don't help!? You're not serious, God. i am made for this! and, sorry to see my cup half-full here (rather than half-empty), but i'm not half-bad at it. p.s., You are the One Who made me this way, by leading me through 1Cor13 and Rom13 and Llaura and all the others. this is what i am supposed to be doing!

"not this time."

*exasperated sigh* fine. fine... we'll do it Your way, God. *humph*

(*~*)

sooo later that night, i talked with len, and le basically said exactly the same thing God said (about me not helping). i didn't believe len, and i even had trouble believing God, but both of them together is just too much to argue against.

~ ~ ~

there are two realities. the first is the world your 5 senses tell you about. the second is the 'kingdom' that Jesus of Nazareth talked about when he was here in the flesh. one of them exists because of the other one (can you guess which is which?). in Him we live, and move, and have our being. our whole existence would collapse in upon itself if we ever slipped His mind.

to grow in faith means we are learning how to live in that reality, where God speaks something, and it is so. faith is what the centurion had when he said, "don't even waste Your time coming-- just say the word. i know You have authority." that authority is what makes the kingdom His kingdom, and the more we live under that authority, the more freedom we will have to Live at all.

God, teach me how to Breathe that air.

Monday, October 16, 2006

a happy, and a sad

when i'm in a bad mood, i tend to list all the bad things about my day.
when i'm in a happy mood, i see all the positive things about it.

it might be that my circumstances affect my mood, but it's also true that i look at my circumstances through the hermeneutic of my mood. so, if you ask me, "how was your day?" that's really not far from asking me, "how was your heart today?"

today was happy, and i can't figure out why. i didn't get much sleep, and i won't be getting much sleep tonight, and my evening nap actually made me feel good rather than depressed and apathetic, and that made the gree-grumps stop their growling, which means i was able to finish some of the homework due in one of my classes tomorrow... and i enjoyed it.

i could attribute good days and good moods to lots of different causes. i could give credit to my roomfriend Jesse, who bought me dinner and made sure i stayed focused on my reading notes. i could thank a certain friendly ghost for len words of encouragement. i could even give myself a little credit (imagine that!) for thinking carefully and critically about my attitude.

what i'd really like to do is give credit to everyone who Loves me, because even if you're not helping me to do anything, you're certainly helping me to be someone. and that is just as important, since i am not just trying to accomplish-- i'm also trying to become.

i don't like how i've pulled an all-nighter for the sake of homework being turned in on time, only to find that i'm very awake right now. i hope my one hour of sleep tonight doesn't kill me tomorrow. do you think it will help more than harm, or the other way around?

let me give you a disturbing thought to work through, before my consciousness commits suicide. (don't worry; i have hope in the resurrection.)

Q: if God is allowing people all over the world to starve to death, to contract fatal diseases, to be separated from their families, and to drown in hopelessness of one kind or another... how can you, in good conscience, ask Him to bless you? or, put another way, how can you thank God for providing for you when He doesn't do so for others, including infants and other helpless children of His?

English is lame

"In English, there just isn't a personal pronoun to express [God's] kind of Life/Personality that isn't either exclusively male or exclusively female. The only nongender pronoun in English is impersonal (it). Since God is neither impersonal nore exclusively male nor exclusively female nor neuter (meaning less than male or female), none of these pronoun options satisfy." - Brian McLaren, A Generous Orthodoxy

i'm tired of it. if- lol haha.. i didn't even intend that pun. *proudface*

but seriously, i'm tired of not having a personal pronoun of ambiguous gender reference. there needs to be one. and so, i am creating a new set of words.

"le" - he, she
"len" - him, her
"lor" - his, her (possessive)

this word refers to a personal creature who might be male, or might be female, or might be beyond these categories! let's give it a try, shall we??

"If someone wants to be listened to, le should begin by first listening to!"

yes-likey? no-likey? let's play with it a little more.

"A certain student of mine, who will remain anonymous, recently found lenself running out of laundry money."
(interesting form, there...)

"Le who laughs last, laughs longest."
(females should get to be included, too. it's politically correct.)

"I'm having trouble following you," le said to len.
(if genders were applied, it might read 'he said to her' or 'she said to him.')

"God is three, and yet Le is one."
(notice the capitalization of our new pronoun. whee!)

"This Isjami-person... I've never met len. Is le male or female?"
(okay, i admit, i am sometimes a tad bit feminine... for a guy, anyway...)

"The unidentified burglar reached for lor handgun...."
(normally we would say 'their' there, but 'they' is plural, isn't it???)

hopefully you've enjoyed my break from homework as much as i have. =) stay tuned.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

sad day

i've been drained the past few days; lots of interesting, bloggable stuff has happened (like the thunderstorm, and Rybarczyk movie-night, etc.), but i just don't have the energy.

=
i have homework all day tomorrow, or else.

come back in a few days.

EDIT: i lied. this needs to be said right now, while the passion's still there.

if i get married: i hope, i pray, i wish that my wife would have an affair, hide it from me for several weeks, and then confess. i really hope she cheats on me. the world needs to see that there's no excuse for any lack of faithfulness and loyalty, at least in the case of Christian husbands.

Spanglish is a stupid movie.

Friday, October 13, 2006

teach me how to live life



i had my second counseling meeting with this guy today. he's someone who knows how to live life; i rely on his wisdom, and his understanding of Scripture. the Text becomes real and alive when he leads us into it. Jesus becomes a real, human person... doing the Right thing becomes a joy, a natural expression of who i am, instead of a categorical imperative that drives me.

i would trust him with my life. and i don't mean i would let him work the ropes if i went rock-climbing... i mean i would live my life a certain way if he gave me his advice.

i've had four classes with him, including this semester's:
  • research methods for the study of scripture
    (how to find out what the Word means)
  • intro to teaching and preaching
    (how to help others' lives be changed by the Word)
  • theology of church mission
    (who is the Church? what's it do? why? how?)

  • spiritual disciplines
    (how to form spiritual character; following Jesus)
that last is the one i need the most, and the one i'm the worst at. i am in such desperate need of spiritual formation... the others are great, too, but i've been looking forward to that last one for awhile now.

anyway, today was the best day i've had in awhile, and my convo with him was one of the things that made it that way.

right after that convo, i went next door to Professor Rybarczyk's office and had another great convo. i trust them both with my life, but they have different personalities, different vocabularies, different 'wisdoms' even. Rybarczyk's helped to teach me how to think, particularly through and about theology. i really appreciate both of them; i rely on both of them.

i'm sad that i waited until my senior year to get to know them.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

i want to know You

if you are reading this casually, stop. it's extra-important.

"lighten up, dude, geez!"

lol fine.. look, i'm smiling. =D see? i'm light-and-up.

but this is still serious.

"okay, fine, whatevs..."

hush! i'm talking.

;)

~ ~ ~

all my life i've grown up knowing about God. born and raised in the church; memorized the verses, sang the songs, believed the beliefs. learned all the fundamentals, asked all the questions, saw all the skits and drew all the illustrations (remember the canyon one?) .

around 9th grade, i realized, "uhm... God's a real person, and i really need Him alot."

that's when i started my first prayer journal. i told God all kinds of things; i spoke to Him as if He were actually there, listening. i told Him i wanted to give Him my world; i asked for Wisdom (Proverbs), and friends, and guidance. i confessed sins, rambled about things, poured out my heart and mind.

i learned some important lessons through that. God taught me about Love (1 Corinthians), and that set the foundation (and motivation!) for my experiences with it later on in life (i.e. Llaura, and the girls afterwards). i think more than anything else, in that first stage of real faith i asked for Wisdom and Love more than anything else.

but then, eventually, i started to think, "what if none of this is real?" and that was about the same time i sort of grew out of my high-school faith. i didn't really 'get anything' out of the Sunday morning lessons anymore. it was time for me to doubt everything, and lose almost everything... my only belief was, "God exists." that was it. i wasn't sure of anything else. i even told the group at Mexico, "i don't believe God loves me." that's basic, right? an essential!

it took me over a year to work through that. it was definitely the darkest chapter of my life; i was completely lost. i don't know how i got back, but if my loss of faith was like setting sail from my home port and losing sight of the shore, then somehow the wind brought me back to dry land. it was a different port, i think, but still too close to home. i believed God loved me, but i didn't experience it; it was blind faith at that point. and i guess that was enough for me at the time.

then i set sail in a different way: i came to Vanguard University. what an experience. finally i could learn about my faith! finally i could ask questions and get answers. do people go straight to heaven when they die? what was God doing before He created the heavens and the earth? how do i minister to people with my specific gifts? who is the Holy Spirit, and what does He do? what happens to those who die before hearing the gospel? what are the right ways and wrong ways to interpret the Bible?

yeah. my first year was a suite, suite eye-opener. i felt like a kid in a candy-store; my classes were the grandparents who spoiled me. it was Einstein's first visit to a library; it was Bill Nye getting his first chemistry set. it was a Muslim's first journey to Mecca.

but... after that came another dark night of the soul. it began with questions like, "if Satan's not omnipresent, how can he be tempting all these people all at once?" "since there are 7 billion people in the world all exercising free will, how can God be controlling anything?" "if God and the Bible can't be proven true, why do we believe in them?" "can God tell a lie?" "how can there be one Truth, but many Christian denominations? which one is right?" "does God really know everything, or do we just say that to make us more comfortable?"

the questions continued, and all the while Vanguard continued to teach me not just what to think, but how to think. and as i was trained in the art of critical thinking, i began to be critical of my faith. the more i learned about it, the more i mastered it, and the more i mastered it, the more i put myself above it, like a scientist puts himself above his specimen. he must do this, or else he cannot hope to understand it, right? a child cannot study and understand an adult; he is below the adult. so i put myself above my faith. i dissected it. and why not? for the first time in my life, i was given permission to ask dangerous questions and explore every nook and cranny.

the more critical i became, the less committed i became. i was already lacking in an experiential faith; i had never heard God's voice, seen His face, or felt His presence. i thought i had sometimes, like in worship, but i found out later (as i became more critical) that the joy i felt was the joy of music, not of connection with God. and the more i realized how human i was, the more i realized how beyond me God was. and that's how i lived.

"Jesus is my best friend" became a joke to me. Jesus can't be our best friend; he's not here! he left. he ascended. he's gone. how about the Spirit? invisible. untraceable. undefined. not very easy to put under a microscope. and the Father? transcendent; mysterious; up in heaven; outside of time; holy; the Alpha and Omega, but none of the letters in between. Source and Goal, as theologians say, but where was He in my world, in my life? He created the world, and He would remake it, but what about the world in the meantime?

it became my greatest desire, and the most impossible concept ever: to interact with God. and if i cannot interact with Him, then i cannot know Him.

there's no idea more hopeless for me, than that one.

it makes me want to stop existing.

~ ~ ~

so... i came to VU this year with the expectation of somehow renewing my faith. i quickly realized that this was a stupid thing to expect, because it was VU that made me lose it in the first place!! my knowledge increased, and so did my heresy. i found it possible to rationally explain away every Truth that might offer a shred of hope for me. i can still do it for you, on command; but there's a problem. the 'smarter' my theology gets, the more my heart and soul starve. the more i learn how to master Scripture, the less chance It has of mastering me. the more i understand God, the less of a God He can be for me.

at least, that's how it seems.

i think the more accurate way to describe it is in terms of my attitude. if i intend to study how a violin works, i should probably take it apart. but that means i won't be able to play it. no music, no inspiration; no inspiration, no joy. same with the Bible. the more i take it apart and learn how it works, the less chance there is that i will ever hear its song. dissect a frog and take away its hop.

the solution? i need to stop studying and start feeling. well, that's sort of hopeless too, since i'm always trying to figure everything out, especially if i'm going to invest myself in it somehow! i don't trust my feelings, and i don't base my decisions on impulse. logic is my compass; reason is the be-all, end-all.

this is not the kind of attitude you need if you want to truly Live.

in addition to my scientisfic mindset, i have another problem. it's a certain belief that stops me from trying to know God: the belief that i cannot know God. and can you blame me? the people who see Him the most are the ones who believe in Him the most! it's almost backwards! you'd expect the people who believe in Him to be the ones who see Him, but noooo... it is all upside-down.

you see what you choose to believe in.

well, if that's true, then all i need to do to see God is to believe in Him. but if that's true, then i could make myself see God, even if He isn't there!!!!

*tears hair out*

so i need some different kind of faith. experience? nope, doesn't work, because i interpret experiences based on my beliefs, and my beliefs are such that God's not here. He's not active or present in our lives. well, then how about a blind faith? sorry, doesn't work either; i can't force myself to believe something for no reason, and even if i could, that wouldn't mean it's real. it would just mean i've forced myself to see something a certain way, whether it's actually that way or not.

so there must be something else.

i asked our new campus pastor, and he told me this (basically):

"you can't have that kind of belief any longer. belief has to mean something different. there are two realities: one of them is very tangible. the other is very hidden. God (that is, Jesus) has announced the arrival of that hidden reality: the kingdom of heaven. He has asked us (in His Word) to stand in that reality, to act as if it is just as real as (if not more real than!) our tangible world. your job is to be faithful to that; you don't necessarily have to think it's real. just do what He says."

that kind of belief is deeper than mere mental assent (Latin assensus), and it's deeper even than experiential trust (Latin fiducia). it goes beyond either a thought about God, or an experience of God. it's an obedience to God that is independent of either assensus or fudicia. it's the kind of faith that says, "i will follow You even if i never experience you. i will walk in Your footsteps even if you are too far down the road for me to recognize You anymore."

it's no longer about belief or experience, for me. it's about obedience.

i'm told that i can learn how to be obedient. in other words, i can learn how to have real faith. i can do what God wants me to do.

that's not even the best part. this whole time, i've never actually believed that i could know God; not really. but i'm told now that i can, and i intend to. there's nothing i want more.

~ ~ ~

now comes the analogy, and the reason i'm posting this now instead of later.

i met a girl online several weeks ago. we've spent hours and hours getting to know each other, despite the fact that she lives many hours away from me. i could say all kinds of things here, but i'll stick to the important part: she shows more interest in me than anyone i've ever met.

"how does she do that?"

by reading my blogs. i mentioned her in an earlier post. she just browses through the archives, and wanders around trying to somehow get in touch with the mysterious essence that is the isjami. by the way, you should know that Trillian (my chat program; mostly AIM) logs all of my conversations. that means that i can go into a certain folder on my laptop, and see who i have talked with the most, online. for example, Caleb's text-file log is 303 kilobytes. the Laurax beats him with a score of 635 kilobytes.

this girl's score: 1,059 KB and counting. i have only been talking with her since the 4th of September.

now, i know what some of you are thinking. well, you can stop. =P

"but-"

no.

"fine!"

thank you. i will post on that topic another time.

and here, dear readers, is an excerpt of our conversation:

~ ~ ~

[04:11] Isjami19:: still reading?
[04:11] Anymouse: yes
[04:11] Anymouse: I've read through it once already, though
[04:11] Isjami19:: same post?? the glitch?
[04:11] Anymouse: yes
[04:12] Isjami19:: why do you want to know me so well

to understand that question, you need to read the post below this one. it's called "why is 2-sided," and it's a short but important one. moving on.

[04:12] Anymouse: why...?
[04:12] Anymouse: what do you mean?
[04:12] Isjami19:: both sides...
[04:12] Isjami19:: what motivates you to do it, and what do you hope to achieve by it?
[04:12] Isjami19:: =) i'm not complaining
[04:12] Isjami19:: just very curious

okay, okay... here's the suite part:

[04:14] Anymouse: I don't want to just know about you, Isaiah
[04:14] Anymouse: when I realized how...
[04:15] Anymouse: how committed, I suppose, you were to this friendship, to me...
[04:15] Anymouse: I want to know you.

i immediately thought of the worship song made famous by Sonic Flood. and that made me think of God. and then i started to ask, "would this apply to my relationship with God, at all?"

and i answered, "yes, especially right now."

check it: i stopped believing/experiencing God's commitment to me a long time ago. i've been so focused on my relationship to Him, and my relationships to others... and i always believed that God wasn't around. so for me, God has mostly been Someone who tells me what to do and how to do it!

He leaves me notes, sends me gifts, gives me instructions... but He's not affectionate. He's not intimate. He's not personal. He's not involved. i'm supposed to be doing stuff in His life, not the other way around. is this making any sense? it's really really late right now. early, actually. oh, well; moving forward.

[04:26] Anymouse: what motivated me:
[04:27] Anymouse: I think, if I simplify it, it may come down to the fact that I realized you'd stick around...
[04:27] Anymouse: and that made me want to... umm...
[04:28] Anymouse: jiminy crickets, I don't know!
[04:28] Isjami19:: =)
[04:28] Isjami19:: that is a good answer.
[04:28] Anymouse: *started typing* no, that sounds stupid *thinks* that's not right, either...
[04:28] Anymouse: *sigh*
[04:28] Isjami19:: i'm serious
[04:29] Anymouse: but not good enough for me! I like to knwo why things are teh way they are
[04:29] Isjami19:: oh i agree!
[04:29] Isjami19:: it's not enough.,
[04:29] Isjami19:: but it's still good.
[04:29] Anymouse: it's had me curious and bewoldered all the time we've been talking...
[04:29] Isjami19:: =D
[04:29] Isjami19:: so fascinating
[04:29] Anymouse: anf irritatiing because I can't figure it out!
[04:30] Anymouse: that doesn't sit well with me...
[04:31] Isjami19:: it sits well with me
[04:31] Isjami19:: normally it wouldn't
[04:31] Isjami19:: but this question does.
[04:31] Isjami19:: because: 1) i've been asking it for years, and it has taught me patience. 2) i believe the answer is partly transcendent; partly beyond me.
[04:32] Isjami19:: i don't think i can grasp it completely, even if God were to try spelling it out for me
[04:32] Anymouse: can I risk sounding stupid? (even if you know I'm not... or so you claim... >.>)
[04:33] Isjami19:: you can
[04:33] Anymouse: you've said that, eventually, your female friends leave because they no longer "need" you
[04:34] Anymouse: I want to be someone that you want to keep around; I want there to be a difference between me and them.
[04:34] Anymouse: I can't be that unless I know you.

at this point, i was struck by that all-too-familiar feeling of needing to blog. and badly.

if God is just Someone i go to when i need Him, then He is for me exactly what i have been for many peeps: a helper who shows up when He's needed, and leaves when He's not. in order for me to change that, i must know Him.

i must confess something. there are some people who have sought to be my friends, whom i have shut out. they ask me how i'm doing, and i deflect or ignore or criticize the question. they call me just to 'chat,' or to talk about me, and i forcefully turn the conversation away from me. is that selfless? i suppose... but if it is selfless, then they cannot know me. and if they cannot know me, then they cannot be my friend. i can only be theirs.

if i can't know God, then He is only here when i need Him to be.

that's not enough; i'm not satisfied. why? because i don't just need Him. i want Him.

please, please let me in, God. let me into Your life. You've been in mine, already, but it's not enough. i want to know You.

[04:34] Anymouse: I can't be that unless I know you.
[04:35] Anymouse: not just the happy-go-lucky, "everything's-just-fine-so-what-can-I-do-for-you" Isaiah that appears most often.
[04:36] Anymouse: besides... it means a lot to a person when someone is searching out their past in order to know who they are todday
[04:36] Anymouse: not just who they are, but why they are who they are

another strike to the heart, here. i'm told the Bible is God's primary revelation of Himself to us; the church has taught this for ages, and the Psalmist had it right in chapter 119.

the idea here is that God has written some things down, and i need to read them; not just analyze them and figure them out, but touch on His character. i need to know Who and Why He is. i need to search out His past; i need to browse through His archives. i'm tired of the God who only appears when i need Him.

~ ~ ~

everything is coming together in a way it never has before. you might be reading this and thinking to yourself,

"isaiah... all these revelations you're having... they're elementary. it's like, duh; no brainer. you're so stupid, it's embarassing!"

i know, i know. but think back over your own life and look at all the things you had to learn through experience. if people could learn anything they wanted just by having it told to them, we would all reach adulthood at age 6. experience; coincidence; guidance. everything's coming together. my relationships with all my friends; the classes i'm taking this semester; the questions i'm asking in this chapter. all these things are working together to accomplish something extremely unique, and extremely important in my life.

here's the bottom line: my goal in life is to know God, and for the first time ever, i believe i can.

i have wanted this since 9th grade. now i believe in it, and not only that, but i'm in a place where i can begin to have that desire satisfied.

once, it was: "God's a real person, and i need Him alot." now it's, "God, You're a real person, and i want You alot."

i just want to know Him, you know? even if He never "does" anything for me ever again, i want to know Him. He intrigues me. sometimes we want to know someone, but they seem too distant, or maybe we think we won't click with them, or that they're too cool for us. well... God was too God for me, once, but now i'm beginning to think He's not too God for me. what a strange thought. please let me in, Atlas...

i hope He's personal. i hope i can meet Him. if i can just meet Him everyday, i will be content for the rest of my life; i will have found and fulfilled the most desirable desire ever to be desired.

~ ~ ~

- thanks, Anymouse, for teaching me the most important lesson of my life, and for giving me Hope. i have many things to thank you for, but these specifically mean more to me than you can know. God used you tonight to say something that rocked me like nothing else ever has. sorry if that's hard for you to grasp; i expect it will come as a shock to you. maybe as we get to know each other even better, you'll realize the truth of it. you've been put by God into the right place at the right time, for the right purpose. thank you, thank you, thank you. thank you. -

"why" is 2-sided

Q: why did my Mom homeschool me?
A1: ...because she loves me.
A2: ...in order that i might learn, in the best way that i can.

Q: why did my friend Bob insult me?
A1: ...because he felt hurt by my criticism
A2: ...in order that i might be hurt in return

Q: why does the isjami blog?
A1: ...because he feels a drive to express/explore himself
A2: ...in order that people might think and live differently

asking the question "why?" especially when applied to a particular action, usually is two questions for the price of one. the first is, "what motivated them?" and the second is, "what were they hoping to achieve?" the former speaks of a force pushing them from behind or within; the latter is about having a goal in mind, something external.

a runner in a race has a motivation, and a goal. he's motivated by the sheer joy of the exercise; he loves to run. at the least, it's adrenaline and seratonin and whatever else goes on physiologically as he's sprinting along. his goal, though, is not adrenaline; his goal is the finish line, and preferably he will reach it before all the other runners do.

i think you see what i'm saying. say "not really" if not.

so the next time you ask yourself, "why did that person do that?" or maybe even something like "why did i do that?!" just remember that you are asking two questions, not one.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

this chapter is about...

I hadn't intended to keep this from you. The final editing took longer than I originally thought it would; one of the paragraphs just wasn't shaping up like I wanted it to. But it hurts that you'd think I'd break a promise... it really hurts. Am I, at times, reluctant to do so? Yes. But do I still do it? Again, yes. And... well, yeah.

Anyway, here's the post I promised you.

Why do I pray for him so much?
He asked awhile ago, and I didn't know what to say. Nor did I have time to stumble my way through an explanation, because I had to be at work. But it's a valid question, and one that deserve and answer. I really wish that there was an easy, "ready made" answer I could give him... but at the same time, I'm glad there's not. Easy answers like that don't apply to harder questions, because they require thought, concentration... even meditation. To give an answer like that... well, that's like cheating (or so I think).

The cop-out answer would be that he's my friend, and I pray for them because as much as I care for them, I know God does a better job of loving them than I ever could. And so in my caring for them, I ask Him to watch over and take care of them. All of which is true, but still not enough to justify it as an answer to his question. I don't pray for all my friends like I do for him, either in effort or method.

No, the answer goes deeper than that. I think it resides in him and who he is, actually. Now, how do I go about explaining that statement... when I first started talking with him, he was on this major Atlas kick. He Loved people, taking on their burdens in addition to any of his own that he was already carrying; he wouldn't let anyone care for him, though. Hence my analogy to Atlas; in ancient Greek mythology, Atlas was believed to be a giant man who held the world on his shoulders, bearing the burden all alone. He (my he, not Atlas) tried to do the same, and it drove me nuts. He expected me to open up and give without him giving any of his troubles and whatnot in return. That, frankly, ticked me off (as I believe he can testify to). Friendship is a mutually beneficial relationship between people, in which both parties give and take.

But I digress; I got caught up in our story. He tries to take on so much, without any back up support system of his own, and that worried me. He said that Loving and being Loved were two completely different things... one he's good at, and the other not at all. That he'd always been like that; always taking what is given, but keeping any problems he might have to himself. Even though people have challenged him on that before... he persisted in it.

And then along comes me... passionate, spirited me. The one who blew up at him numerous times because of his twisted view of friendship; I told him nothing he hadn't heard before, but it seemed to slip through a crack in his wall somehow. I think the cause of that crack was when he made me cry, just by what he said in "Samishii". Things changed just a little after than night. He told me that, if there was any hope of him changing his view of friendship to give-and-take, I was it. I don't know how serious he was about it... but he's changing. He's learning to lean on others, not just take their burdens. He still takes things upon himself, but not without relying on people (though not necessarily me).

He takes so much on to his plate... school, friends, volunteer projects, etc. And in doing so, he sometimes (less now than before) neglects his own needs. At least now he's no longer outright denying they exist. And since he won't (or wouldn't) do it, I decided that I'd watch out for him, instead; he may not "need" it by his own admission, but I've set my mind to it by now. And since we're so far away... one of the best things I can do for him is pray. I worry sometimes that he'll take on more than he can handle... and prayer helps me. It's not some magical "feel good" type of thing, either; I know He hears, and I know that He does watch over His own... and I'm more than convinced that he is one who genuinely belongs in that group.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'll say it plainly: I pray for him so much because I care. It was in there, but rather camouflaged, so don't feel bad if you didn't catch on to it. He has managed to fully activate my desire to actually take care of someone, not just care about them. Even though it almost seems like it, I'm not trying to compare him to a lost puppy or something (that's what came to mind as I read back over what I just wrote... bleh). There's just something about him that makes me want to look after and serve him in any way I can. He's so open and candid with me despite myself, how can I not feel that way?

All this for one little question... and yet it seems (or maybe feels) right. So does that adequately answer the question?

I hope so, because I've got nothing left...

Monday, October 09, 2006

a worthy goal

i'm pretty sure a famous guy said this once, in his own words (and better than i can), but... i think there is no more worthy or mysterious pursuit than that of intimacy with God-- a mutual knowing and being known. a common life, a sharing of personality. interaction on every level, in common things and profoundly rare things, in emotions and thoughts and perhaps things deeper than those.

i have a friend who reads my blogs... not just myspace posts, and not just recent blogspot posts, but even random selections from the archives. this friend wants to know me, so much so that she finds it worth her time to listen to my story, even though it's at least several hundred posts long.

i have two friend with whom i live, and we share everything. i use Joel's Mexico blanket; Jesse and Joel both watch my DVDs; Joel and i use the couch Jesse bought (and it is the most comfy couch in the world, btw); the three of use make do with only two LAN ports in the wall; Jesse and Joel answer my phone for me; i 'borrow' (frequently) from Jesse's and Joel's food stashes. we exchange thoughts and opinions, and seek to improve our own understanding and that of the person we converse with.

i have a few very important friends who have helped (and are helping) me move out of my baby-faith, and into my adult-faith. i spend hardly any alone-time with them, but i am constantly learning from them and growing because of them. i go to one, when my mind cannot handle something. i go to the other when my heart needs help. both give me the tools i need, and the arguments i need, to conquer myself so that i can surrender myself.

i have a friend who understands 95% of everything i think and say, without me having to explain it. she trusts my advice, and reflects it back to me (in word and in deed) in a way that makes me feel useful. she presents challenges for me that keep me sharp, and in all of this loves to be playful and serious at the same time. we've not yet found the point where we are spending too much time together, though we both need and appreciate solitude. she and i consider it worthwhile simply to be together, whether we are doing something or nothing.

~ ~ ~

it seems to me that i have spent the majority of life believing (in thought, feeling, word, and deed) that Jesus cannot be my friend, for the simple fact that He has left us (on a cloud; remember?)... and if there's any more hopeless belief than that, i don't know what it is.

so you can understand why i'm finding it too much joy to handle, when someone i trust tells me that i can interact with God. even if it is only to sit in silence next to Him, i would find an experience like that beyond my ability to express. to make things extra ridiculous, i'm told that God wants to interact with me, and that i can learn how to live life with Him, and not just for Him.

in
Him, even! it can't be true; yet here i am believing in it, and perhaps even beginning to walk in it.

maybe someday i will be able to call myself a Christian.

favor

"The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance." (Psalm 16:6)

"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature,
and in favor with God and men." (Luke 2:52)


today more than made up for last night's crappiness. plans getting cancelled without me knowing, the nap i took that made me depressed for no reason, and the vending machine that ate mine and Jesse's money... that was crappy. but that was last night. today's been a happy and a half.
  • woke up on time; listened to some new
    music with Jesse on the way to church
  • class with Rybarczyk at 9a; discussed
    the Bible as a story, or as the Story
  • sang some awesome songs/harmonies
    (Joyful Joyful was among them)
  • heard a great sermon about Faith
    (in heart, in mind, in deed. i needed it)

  • went to Lianne's grandma's house for
    her 4th b-day celebration (she's 19)
  • did a little networking; it felt good to
    work with PCs again, even if it was simple
  • had fun socializing with
    one side of Lianne's family
  • ate 5 waffles (+strawberries), 9 slices of
    bacon, watermelon, cake, and ice cream
  • more socializing (grandma,
    parents [set #1], 2 brothers)
  • present-opening (we spent
    time adjusting her new watch)
  • wrapped one of Lianne's five pet
    snakes around my neck for awhile
  • took a nap with Lianne (amazing, even
    though we were both unconscious)
  • headed off to the next big
    b-day meal celebration thingy

  • socialized with set of parents #2,
    grandparents, step-sister, and bro
  • steak (amazing), mashed potatoes (amazing),
    salad (amazing?!), broccoli (not bad)
  • cookie-dough-ice-cream-cake
    (i am so, so stuffed...)
  • excellent after-dinner conversation
    (my "nice young boy" disguise worked perfectly)
  • more present-opening (funtimes)
  • time to go home
how do those verses (top of post) apply?

here's how. i am not an outgoing person; i am not a socializer. i am an incoming person; i am a loner. i know some of you would disagree, and yes, it's more complex than simple generalizations. but at the core of me, it's true. i'm introverted.

somehow, i've made a good impression on both sides of Lianne's family (not to mention Lianne herself!), and this is strange to me. i don't like meeting people! i don't like meeting families of people! i like to stay inside my dorm room, at my laptop, where it's nice and comfortable and all the world makes sense. sort of.

so my theory is: God (being a merciful and gracious and kind God, and having heard the prayers of my friends, on my behalf) granted me favor with peeps for the sake of things He values and plans for. whatcha think?! i like it alot. wish i knew what He was planning, although it can be kind of exciting sometimes, waiting to see what unfolds. sometimes, it's nice.

i'm so tired. that nap was well-timed, but perhaps not long enough. or maybe i'm just slipping into some sort of diurnal rhythm, here... *shudder*

anyway. i Lllove my friends and my church. thank you God.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

again with the pendulum

this can't possibly be me!!

this is a little closer... but still.

i remember flipping out over a single missed HW assignment for Old Testament Introduction. ha! i've missed the first four worksheets for OT Themes this semester!

i take a nap every other day.
i turn off my phone before i go to bed.
i relax first, play second, and work third.
i enjoy life, and i enjoy enjoying it.

i swing back and forth, and only spend about 1% of my life doing the right thing.
i am amazing.

Friday, October 06, 2006

who cares about titles?

i've got to blog now, before i am stolen away for the evening.

even though i have a pretty bad cold, last night and today have been great. i talked with Chris for hours yesterday, then cleaned our room & relaxed, watched LOST (Season3 Episode1) and talked to more peeps online. up till 4a or so, slept in till 11a or so, then lunch and laughter with Michelly. today is beautiful; weather is perfect, and... i don't know. everything just seemed more vivid or alive, but at the same time peaceful. weekends at VU always seem peaceful to me.

today's a special day. i don't know if can list all the reasons for that, but i know that there's a full moon tonight at 8:12p (from Costa Mesa's standpoint), and i know that 19 years ago, Lianne Evalena Chaney was born (8:32p). i know that i'm alone in my room and ready for a nap, and that the chicken carbonara pasta at Corner Bakery was excellent. i know that even though my sinus-thingy is not a happy right now, i will enjoy my nap and look forward to some moon-bathing / sand-castle-building tonight.

hello to any Fresnans/Clovisians (that's klo-vee-zhuns") who might read this.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

what will you do in heaven?

tell me. i want to know! what will you do?

because personally, i don't intend to be on my face 24/7 saying "worthy is the Lamb" 11,000 times a day. sorry, but Jesus is way too interesting for me to only sing songs to him, and people are way too interesting for me to ignore them. He didn't create us only for Him; He created us for each other. oh, and one more thing: CREATION is going to be restored! we're not leaving earth forever. earth and heaven will become a single reality, which is just freaky, and we will be looking at things almost the way Adam and Eve did, when the world was newborn.

so tell me, what will there be, for you?
  • i'm going to have a greenhouse, because of how warm and peaceful it would be.
  • there will be animals around my home, appropriate to the environment of course, and who knows? maybe they'll all obey me. maybe i will get to ride a dinosaur or three.
  • i will learn how to break-dance, and surf, and rock-climb. it will be pretty amazing.
  • i wonder if i can be a ninja there.
  • i am really tired; this post is done for.
think about it. as complete and good as the world once was, it will be that way again, and more. what will you do?

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

on practical abstractions and jackelopes

myth, i tell you. yes, both of them. you know as well as i do, that i love theology. some of you might even know how much i love theology! and as Professor Twyman says, theology leads to doxology; that is, thinking right thoughts about God leads to worshipping God.

well, Twyman was a tiny bit wrong. sometimes dedicated theology leads to no doxology at all.

to illustrate:
Q: what is the isaiah being or doing whilst ministers are ministering?
A: the isaiah is being a student who's studying.

"okay, isjami, that's cool.. so you agree with Professor Dogterom when he says that your education is your ministry? at least, for now?"

yes, friend, i do... but i am no longer content with studying.

"why not?? i thought you loved it."

well, i normally do. i inherently enjoy giving God my mind. i LOVED writing that aesthetics paper for Beauty & the Christian Life, and the philosophy we're going over in Theology & Ministry in a Post-Christian Context is absolutely fascinating.

the thing is, it's frustrating the heck out of me.

"how come?"

because for every three questions i ask, i get one answer (if i'm lucky). and for every answer i get, i have three more questions. it's not a happy ratio!!!

"i see. so you feel like you're learning alot, but even more than that, you're learning that you can't learn everything."

yes!! and that's a no-brainer, right? but i would at least like to master one or two concepts or topics. like... eschatology would be fun. soteriology? pneumatology! no no, wait-- i've got it. i want to be a master theologian of ecclesiology. *raises and lowers eyebrows rapidly, while grinning*

"why can't you be?"

two reasons. 1] i will be forever finding out that i don't know crap. 2] i will be forever disconnected from the ministry of the ekklesia (church) because i'm so busy finding out how it works. someone who wishes to become a pianist extraordinaire must actually push on the keys and pedals if he wants to realize his dream. he must learn by doing.

"duh... everyone knows that, isjami. how come you have a problem with it?"

i don't know!! if you asked me to play a board game with you, i would insist on reading all of the instructions first. twice.

"that's dumb."

actually, it's smart-- so smart that it's stupid. i hate making mistakes.

"everyone does."

but not as much as i do. i refuse to touch them, if i can manage it. and oftentimes i can. but this time? i'm having serious doubts. after my first semester at VU, i thought to myself, 'hey... maybe this theology/Bible/Christianity thing is actually something i can learn and understand!'

"it is, isn't it?"

apparently not just by asking questions. apparently God has purposefully arranged things so that it is impossible for me to sustain (let alone grow) my faith, without making mistakes. thanks alot, Father.

"you shouldn't speak to Him in that tone of typing."

i know; i'm sorry. sort of. but seriously, you would feel the same way if you were me! these are people's lives we're dealing with! a few billion minds and hearts and souls and bodies are at stake. we have been given the keys to the kingdom, as Christ said to the first 12 members of the new expression of the people of God, and that means we have the power to loose and bind. we have power over people with our words, our thoughts, our actions.

i have that power.

i don't want to misuse it. but it seems to me, after these several semesters of theology, that i cannot learn to use it without misusing it a few times. there's something wrong with that, isn't there?!

"why do you say that?"

because it seems like God is wanting me to do things before i know whether they're right or not!

"why would that be bad?"

because then God is asking me to try something, even when He knows it is the wrong way to do something!

"isn't that how parents teach their kids sometimes? the kids have to learn for themselves."

but God is... well, God, right? can't He just give us all the instructions?

"yes."

why doesn't He?

"because then you wouldn't really be doing it from your heart. or something. i dunno."

oh, trust me; if God came to me today and said, "become a preacher," i would so do it. in an instant, i would sign up for the Master's program here, and get my degree in telling people how to live life.

"what if He told you to become a scientist?"

i would do that in an instant too. i would be a little miffed, but whatevs.

i'm just sick of it. i love asking questions, but i cannot live off of them. and since i have no answers, either, that leaves me with absolutely nothing to eat, neither substantial life-giving things nor ethereal, annoying things (perpetual questionings and doubts).

i need belief. and i need the kind that doesn't just say, "this is right," or "this will work," but the kind that says "this is what God wants."

what does God want for me? i know the principles, the commandments. i know some of the things He wants me to do. i guess maybe i should start with those.

"good thinking!"

thanks. who are you, anyways???

"who knows..."

oh... okay. well, see you later, then. ¬_¬

"L8r."

sinning is easy

it's doing what you think is right that will tear you up. weird how that works...

thank You, God, for creating and re-creating people who can patch me up afterwards.

this post is so short, i feel i should post another provocative question. hmm, let's see... oh, i've got it. read this in one of my textbooks the other day:

Q: "if God died tomorrow morning (but everything continued to exist and run by the 'rules'), how long would it take you to find out He was dead?"

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

grace

we are all consumers of grace, absorbing every ounce that God grants us-- through others (non-Christians included), through our natural environment (do you enjoy the rain?), through His word (Philippians 4:4-9). we do well on a test; a friend forgives us; a parent prepares a meal. our favorite song comes on, on the radio. myspace doesn't have any errors for 24 consecutive hours. we blog, and our thoughts flow smoothly out from our hearts and through our minds, both of which have been trained by others who cared enough to safeguard or develop our passions and to help us memorize the alphabet.

we take these gifts, which we don't deserve, ultimately from a Being Who certainly did not deserve to become something other than Himself (human). and we are called to pass on this divine kindness; we're called to live it out in our relationships.

in the next 24 hours: someone, somewhere, at some time, for some reason, will potentially benefit from your kindness. take that opportunity to be like God, to walk in the Spirit as He's commanded us. take that opportunity to be a Christian, to take one more step towards the you you must become.

(click "our prayer" on the right; if you want to join and add your voice to His praise, contact me somehow, and let me know.)

Monday, October 02, 2006

hmm... must be French

i've never called myself 'fragile' before, but because of what i'm learning in this chapter, i've got to confess my frailties. actually, i've mostly thought of myself as having mental strength; maybe i do. you can have strength of mind and weakness of heart, right? and the only reason i didn't know i was weak of heart, was because i considered emotional weakness to be subject to mental strength.

in other words, i thought my heart was slave to my mind. i thought my thoughts were in control, or at least that they had the right and the capacity to be in control. i didn't think i could control my emotions just by choosing to, but i thought i could control my behavior despite any emotions.

i just bit my cheek accidentally (i'm chewing gum), and i wanted to hit something in response.

isn't that a little bit dumb (i.e. mentally irrational)? yup. emotionally dumb? probably not... more like an emotional gauge. my self is telling myself that i am boiling inside.

with what?

frustration
i shouldn't've set my alarm clock down so close to me, last night. i should've placed it across the room. then i wouldn't've slept through it this morning.

i shouldn't've gone to the beach last night; i should have just hung out around VU, and started my homework at 9p instead of 11p. then i would have had the liberty to sleep in this morning; and yet, i wouldn't've needed to, because i would've gone to bed earlier.

i should have gone to bed earlier. then i wouldn't've needed my alarm to wake me up.

i could go on... i could list a dozen should've's and shouldn't've's, just within the past few days.

i need to process my mistakes more thoroughly, so that they can lead to lessons learned, not just in thought but in behavior.

fear
the usual. i'm more concerned for my future than for my grades, i think. a good grade is nice to have, but do you ever think about what the good things that aren't going to happen, as a result of your failures? that gets me. i'm not just experiencing negative consequences; i'm preventing positive results. i hate that i'm so irresponsible. i may be passionate inwardly, but i can be very apathetic outwardly. how is that even possible?!

can i just have a do-over?

Sunday, October 01, 2006

a question

if you had been born with only your sense of touch (out of the 5 senses), what would you consider beautiful, today?