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Saturday, September 30, 2006

you are

i'm so tired, so lacking in peace of heart and clarity of mind... but i promised you this post tonight. i am pulling together all the strands that will make my purpose-tapestry-thing, and it may take another paragraph or two, because of how drained i am... *hug* i hope you don't mind. i hope you don't get bored of reading the same way you get bored with songs. ;) i hope you can hear my voice as you're scanning this. you realize it was 24hrs straight this time?

you've asked me before, about my thoughts and feelings as i've met you and gotten to know you. i've tried to give you as much as i can in reply, but for some reason, the question continues to come. =D so maybe i can finally give you something... fulfilling, in this post. i wish i understood you better- you may be one of the most different girls i've ever had a deep friendship with, our similarities notwithstanding- but i will do my best to paint a picture of you that's both mine (dangerous) and accurate (difficult).

you are a soul...
...who's been thrashed by life. listen carefully to "when we meet"... alot of the lyrics might apply well, if i am the speaker, singing to you. my tears today were for your pain, because i decided very early on to make your pain mine, as much as i could.

of course, there's more to your past than scars; you've spoken of a faith that needs renewing, and at some point soon, a cleansing. the fact that you value your faith this way is, in itself, a strong faith. i'm told even a mustard seed is sufficient; i'm not exactly sure what mountains will be moved, but it's obvious to me that your faith is real, and i will really, really enjoy growing my faith alongside yours. i can't wait.

you are a heart...
...beating so strongly it's almost dangerous. it's beautiful, but it's also kind of scary, the things you will do for people you care about. you stand out from the rest of the world because you are so focused on pouring yourself out for others, whereas everyone else is takin' everything they can, everything they can. a friend of mine says that "passions are failings or virtues, only intensified." i think that sentence best expresses the 'dangerous' part, as it goes along with the 'beautiful' part.

there's an element of mystery as well. you speak of things i've never seen or felt. your heart has made mine a fool, in the best sense. you've unintentionally challenged my naïveté, and that's really important. your heart is changing my life.

you are a mind...
...careful and thoughtful. those may seem like, i don't know, weak compliments. but i value those two qualities a lot. the fact that we can have an argument, and then resolve it a few minutes later, is huge. (p.s. you have a concentrating face too, you know. =)

i like that you can be playful, serious, focused, pondering, random, laughing, competitive... all these things, within the space of an hour. i like that you can pick up right where you left off, after an interruption. i like all those things, and i know the more time i spend with you, the longer that list will become.

you are a body...
...in shape, and that's all i have to say about that.

out loud.

=)

or... online... uhm. you know what i mean.

i am a friend...
...anticipating every hour we have together. having heard your story, what i really want more than anything is to change things for you. as much harm and darkness as you've suffered in the past, i'm praying for that much healing and wholeness and fire, in the rest of your life. i'm not sure who i am to try offering these things to you, but i will spend our time trying my hardest, if that's okay with you. =)

in some ways, it's already happened... your trust is a gift that sometimes overwhelms me, when i think about it. i know for sure that you're slowly changing me, or at least opening the door so that Change can walk in and start rearranging things itself. i know that the joy you've found in our sharing of music is also my joy. i know that somehow i've touched you.

i think, in the end, if i can still say that confidently, i'll be content.

you are someone intensely precious to me. people have been wondering where i've been, recently. "you weren't online last night." "yeah... i was with someone all night." "are we still going to hang out tomorrow?" "actually, i have to switch plans... something came up..."

if you ever doubt your worth, your value, then please think of me, and my faith. God help me live out that faith in the time we have left.

Friday, September 29, 2006

quality

my first one-on-one conversation with Dogterom was quality. (i know where to find my faith now.)

my time with Lianne was quality. (it wasn't enough time.)

my time with Andrew and Micco and writing music was quality. (we have 4 or 5 songs already lined up for our next project.)

my time with Andrew afterwards was quality. (finally found out how he's doing: good.)

i made two persons' days better than they would have been, today. i had at least three peeps personally make my own day better. that's an okay ratio, right? just a snapshot, because i know i'm supposed to actually be, like, depending on people or something now... right? i think that's what it is. apparently i'm not Atlas after all.

i've got to do that more often: thank people for making my day better. sometimes they do it without knowing. so i'm going to give peeps credit from now on.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

*yawn*

what? an uneventful day?? where did this anomaly come from?

whatevs, i'm sleepy before 3am and i'm not complaining. CupNoodles, you'll just have to wait until tomorrow night for our hawt date...

did some good homework today. anyone want to read a two-page paper on the beauty of the night? i promise the theology is tasty... ;)

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

murder will out

you were the last thought before i slept, and the first when i awoke (two hours earlier than i should have). you'll be there when i turn the corner, and when i open my textbooks, so that even if i am trying my hardest i won't be able to keep my focus.

the stupid part is, all that is supposed to be a good thing. instead, i'm simply paying for my mistakes.

and i am not wealthy enough to ever balance my account.

conversation with myself

[02:08] Isjami19: ...and now i realize that it might actually be something God designed to happen... and i don't know what it is or how to deal with it if it ever "happened" to me.
[02:08] Isjami19: i'm used to making decisions about life, not life making decisions about me.
[02:09] Isjami19: i'm used to knowing everything i can about something before experiencing it, not the other way around.
[02:09] Isjami19: i'm used to working things through and finding out how they work, not being completely mystified by them and having no way of unraveling them
[02:11] Isjami19: it's not enough for me that i learn from my mistakes. some mistakes are too grave to justify by ignorance
[02:11] Isjami19: i don't know if i actually believe that last bit... but it feels that way.
[02:12] Isjami19: no, it's true; i do believe it.
[02:12] Isjami19: i can't justify myself. but i'm not even first concerned with that; i would take on someone else's mistakes, even sins, if it would help them. if it were possible.
[02:13] Isjami19: i am first, and most intensely, concerned about the wholeness of people i care about. about how well they Live their lives.
[02:14] Isjami19: if i can do nothing about that, it's not my failure, but it feels like it is. and now i am beginning to think that i would rather fail myself a million times over, than fail someone else once.
[02:15] Isjami19: the problem is that failing myself, affects everyone else; if i fail my own life, then i fail others as well.
[02:15] Isjami19: i don't know how to live with that. perhaps i am meant to live with the wound.
[02:16] Isjami19: yeah... open and unhealed. no scarring, no surgery. just some antiseptic, and plenty of exercise to keep the blood flowing.
[02:16] Isjami19: veriwell, then... at least i've come to a decision.
[02:16] Isjami19: thanks for listening; i was trying to blog and it wasn't working, but then i realized i'd already started.
[02:16] Isjami19: =) you're probly not even there. jerk.
[02:16] Isjami19: but you will be. thanks for being.
[02:17] Isjami19: goodnight friend

Monday, September 25, 2006

progress

where i was: the Bible is full of inerrant, applicable Truth that must be apprehended if one is to live life rightly. unfortunately, i see that people have been arguing about what it means for centuries; i also see that we are still arguing about how to know what it means. i suspect the world will be arguing about these things forever (otherwise we would one day have a complete "this is what the Bible means" book and never again need to study the Bible itself), which tells me that i can never be sure of what the Bible means. if we can always question afresh the meaning of every passage (and we do; we must), then we can never answer with any lasting or significant certainty. and without certainty, we can't live by it.

where i'm at: i've had faith before, enough to live certain aspects or chapters of my life with an iron certainty (about the rightness of it) which somehow came from two loaves and a fish of certainty. at the times when i've done this, i've seen that my life was lived rightly; i've seen that true Good came of it. Paul's word on what Love is; Christ's example of effective submission, suffering, and humility; the wisdom of Proverbs; the liberating salvation of Romans; the calling of John 12 to a life of sacrifice. Scripture has somehow changed my life, and i must continue to let it do so.

where i hope to be: i want to believe in the role of the Spirit, and in the role of Christians, in actively teaching Biblical wisdom to every person and every generation. also, i want to be heavily involved in that process. i want to have faith, in heart and in mind and in my words and in my actions, that God is still giving His word to us today, and that it has the power (and desire) to transform us. i want to be a vessel for that power and a means of fulfilling that desire.

i can beat my greatest fear...

...by letting it overwhelm me.

if failure is my fear, and i fail, then there's nothing more to be afraid of.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

a poem fragment

i am Time, just passing by

that's the only line i remember from a poem of mine, that got accidentally deleted. i went through an extreme case of that "myspace is lame" stage and nuked the whole account, only to realize later that some very important blog posts had not been saved. >_< now i'm trying to write some song lyrics based on that one line, but it's not working very well. Inspiration is on vacation this weekend.

i post it here in order to criticize myself. it's not that can't keep up; it's simply that i don't. and i'm not just talking about procrastination. sometimes an opportunity comes to really be myself, and i'm too busy or self-absorbed to notice. (ironic, right?) and there are even times when i just don't have enough resources to do all the right things, or all the good things.

today i slept 8 hours, cleaned the room, did the dishes, and read another two chapters of a book that was due for a report this last Wednesday. watched Inside Man on dvd (saw it in theatres awhile back), junked out some, and decided to wait a few more days before doing laundry. played my flute and sang some, listened to the Mraz, and popped my last bag of popcorn.

tomorrow i have some difficult tasks to perform. think happies for me. =)

Friday, September 22, 2006

clay

you don't have to be God to play with lives.

i play with my own every day, almost unintentionally. right now i'm running on 2 hours of sleep, a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, and Switchfoot's Legend of Chin album. that's not the way i was designed to function efficiently, but it's where i'm at.

i have sometimes wondered, "what if i had a son, and i could control every aspect of his environment 24/7 for the rest of his life?" like a holo-deck. how many different characters could i shape and create? obviously he has human nature, and an inherent personality to some degree, but it's both nature and nurture that make a person, right? and that's the whole point of this blog: i have the power to make myself something i'm not supposed to be.

that scares me alot, but i wish i could be more motivated by it.

who are you becoming?

anymice

EDIT: i know you now. sign up for an account?

i think i will post this as a rule on my blog... somewhere so that it's always visible.

i do not allow anonymous commenters!

i wouln't sound so serious and riled up right now if i could have guessed who you are. but i don't have any certainty about it, so i'm asking you to e-mail me and tell me who you are. either that, or get a blogger account. it doesn't have to be your name, but you've got to have a name, and i would rather know your real name than your fake name.

=) sooooo contact me somehow. hopefully you are charlotte... but yeah, let me know. much thanks!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

kairos

finally.

i've been hoping i might someday get back into a more consistent blogging rhythm. i've sort of been waiting for it since... well, many months ago, i think. i'm realizing that my diagnosis was correct: i had killed my heart. it's coming back to life now, for some reason-- at least, that's my theory-- and that means it's time to start overflowing again.

i think it'll be fun. i remember when lots of peeps would read me (and i do mean me, not just my blogs), and leave half a dozen or more comments. i remember when my sis, and my mom, and my dad would all read me. i miss that. maybe Eli will visit here once in awhile. of course, that might mean me surprising him with a myspace of his very own, one of these days... lol.

kairos is sort of like that... "finally." it means, the fulness of time, or the right moment, or (more theologically/eloquently) a moment that's pregnant with meaning and significance. it's like when a prophecy is fulfilled.

now... i know what you're thinking. this cool idea of kairos has you thinking i am the Isaiah, the Major Prophet, and my time has finally come to bring an earth-shattering message to the wayward and fallen! it's the END OF THE WORLD AS WE-

sorry. i'll stop. =P all i'm saying is that i'm going to be blogging more. it's just that time of life, you know? time to start a new chapter. time to be creative and reflective again. time to resurrect something of me, so that i can become myself more.

i owe some people some thanks for all of this, because it's in the midst of relationships-- my prof might even bring up perichoresis at this point-- that i find myself moved and shaped and torn and grown. i won't name them now; perhaps i'll mention them along the way. that seems more the method for someone's personal journey records.

veriwell, then... stay toon'd. thanks for reading. i mean that.

ij

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

it's begun

homework.

my 4-day weekends will never be the same.

i think if i were disciplined, in the sense that i always did my homework ahead of time, i would get straight A's. actually, i take it back-- i know i would get straight A's. Professor Stenhouse says motivation isn't my problem, but if he's right, then i don't know what is my problem. i find this stuff interesting, but not helpful for my future, since i don't know what i'm going to do with all of it. it's like i'm doing it all for fun. that sort of takes away my working-mindset.

Lianne, you are more lucky than you know, to have the next 6 or 7 years of your life planned out to the extent that you do. although i'm looking forward to going home and working for awhile (i think), i am still missing alot internally as a result of not having a longer-term goal.

i've realized that i'm blogging only to put off the rest of my day. time to stop.

Monday, September 04, 2006

half-white man can't dance

EDIT: i fixed the tagboard. now you guys have no excuse. =P

i won't say anyone ran circles around me... mostly i am very, very not used to exchanging wit at that level, at that speed. it was like picking up an old hobby. your body remembers all the moves, your brain sort of clicks into auto-pilot, and the rhythm takes you over. oh, wow, that's a lame song i just accidentally quoted... anyways! you remember how, but you're a little rusty. that's how it was.

i think i'm posting this just to see if she returns. that's terrible!! *sigh*

it's alot of fun. it's also 6:58a. there's this bird that always does this one weird song right around 6am, right outside my window. i like that.

i'm in another world when i stay up late. it's like i become whoever the me is that's inside the outer me, and only my thoughts, my laptop, and my sunflower seeds exist. and my music. and whoever i'm AIMing with. okay, bad description. i enter my own special world; that's all you need know.

good morning everyone.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

like a song sung far away

EDIT: "innocence" is the one i forgot to list and describe. thanks Kelsey. maybe in another post...

this will be one of those where you've got to know me in order to not misunderstand me. i was recently reminded of the importance of disclaimers. thanks Evan.

last post had a cliff-hanger ending, but i swear i will return to explore the possibility of the preliminary diagnosis that cliff-hangered it. right now i want to talk about my taste in women.

this is completely, 100% against the rules, btw. =) it doesn't even sound appropriate to say what i just said. i feel like i need to delete this post! no worries, though; i'm only going to mention a few attractive qualities, and then see what i think about that. and by the way, when i say "attractive qualities," i mean anything that catches me-- anything that interrupts my routine mode of thinking and causes me to say, "hey... what's that? i need to take a closer look."

let me clarify a little, actually. i'm not talking about sexuality or romance here at all, even though the end of the second paragraph may have made it sound that way. i'm talking about what deeply interests me. certain things resonate with me; if they're strong enough, they can hijack me before i even realize what i'm doing. it's like an enchantment. it's like a naïve child following the lilting melody of the Pied Piper. (man, i heart analogies...)
  • vulnerability

any girl who is small, quiet, crying, soft-spoken, worried, confused, alone, or abandoned, will very quickly draw my attention. it can't be that she's making herself vulnerable, say, by sharing something very personal about herself. that'd be courage, instead, and i would admire it, but it wouldn't draw me the same way. vulnerability is music that haunts me, makes me want to harmonize. yup.

  • humility

merriam-webster says, "not having or showing any feelings of superiority, self-assertiveness, or showiness." an assertive girl might catch my attention, but not in a good way.

i can't remember the other qualities i wanted to talk about... let's settle on those for a second.

Q: who is the most vulnerable person in all of human history? and,
Q: who is the most humble?

there's your homework assignment.

you like the new design? yes? no? kinda? leave a message or comment.

dangerous lines of thinking

i am wondering if the desire to feel loved is a universal human need.

some people know that they're loved-- that people care about them, in other words-- but they may not feel loved. a close friend of mine goes by the alias "affection or death" on AIM; i used to think that this was simply (yet profoundly) one of her personality traits. but what if it's true of everyone, and the difference is between those who realize it, and those who don't?

metaphysical concepts are so much more squishy. how inconvenient. i know i need food; i'll die without water, or without air to breathe. what happens to someone who doesn't receive affection?

infants die without human touch. though we might go without it after this period, and still live, we can't pretend to believe that we simply have bodies. rather, we are bodies (just as we are minds and souls and hearts). physical abuse causes mental and emotional damage.

playing with toys is another thing infants sort of 'need' in order to learn. they develop spatial awareness, hand-eye coordination, and mental/visual acuity by playing. they might not die without this, but they'll not have full, healthy lives.

people need all sorts of things they could "live" without: recreation/exercise, creative outlets, purpose, meaningful relationships. work to do. what interests me most in all of this, at least in this moment, is that so many people (perhaps everyone?) go without some of the things that they need in order to be healthy.

what have i been living without?

it's almost certain that my life is missing certain things. the problem is finding out what they are. on a very basic level, i seek these things because i'm designed to. on a pragmatic level, i seek these things because they'll enable me to serve my higher purpose more effectively. motivation and purpose; drive and goals. two separate parts to the question of "why?"

what made me realize all of this? well, i've been watching myself closely for awhile now, and i've been noticing certain... deficiencies, maybe symptoms. differences between me and other people that make me wonder, "what's different about me that isn't supposed to be different?" some things i've always just accepted as aspects of my personality, have either been changing or causing me problems. so i question myself, and the question is, what's wrong with me? what's missing?

i promised myself i'd do a blogged self-diagnostic from time to time. last time, i just described different dimensions of myself. this time, i'd like to put down a possible diagnosis, just a hypothesis to either confirm or discredit.

i think i've killed my heart.