i really wish i was just making this up in my mind. i wish i could ask myself, "isaiah, what if you're just a little lonely, and therefore depressed, and dwelling on it a little too much, thereby making it something it really isn't?" and answer "yeah, that must be it." but i can't; i've tried. i really want to.
i wish it were true that it doesn't matter whether i'm happy or depressed. but honestly, it affects me alot, and thereby affects the people around me, and i hate that. is there any way for me to just always be a good influence on people's hearts and minds and lives and choices? consistently?? apparently, the degree to which i can make others' lives better is directly proportional to the healthiness of my own life. i find that extremely inconvenient.
i don't want to focus on my own life, and devote my resources to myself. it doesn't work anyways! it's against all my rules. and yet it seems the only option. i have to start figuring out what's wrong with me, so that i can fix it, so that i can stop thinking about me.
it seems like a good plan. step one: assess the situation. how am i going to do that? by recording my observations on myself.
~ ~ ~
i'm a week away from beginning my last year at Vanguard University, and this is me.
soul - stultified. i talked about it in one of the posts immediately preceding this one... God's pretty much gone, unless i believe He's not, which will make Him come back, which means it's really my own belief that i need to put my trust in, which is both ridiculous and impossible. i really believe that this spiritual aspect of me (not part, but dimension) is the core. i know each aspect affects every other aspect, but this one has been my anchor ever since 9th grade. i would be dead without this. oh, wait... i am dead.
one of three things will happen: i'll be resurrected, or i'll resurrect myself, or i'll live (sort of) the rest of my life this way. (these are in order of preference, by the way.)
|heart - loneliness and despair, mostly, although i'm sure i would uncover some other things if i could see past these two monsters. discussing my heart as if it's a thing that i possess (rather than a dimension of myself) may be a pitiful attempt to claim a greater degree of self-control than i actually have. isn't that cheerful?|
i've come to the realization that i hate the way i am. not all of it; just some of it. i hate how i want to hang out with attractive people more than i want to hang out with unattractive people. i hate that my emotions affect my beliefs and thoughts so much (but that hate might just be circumstantial-- if i ever have good emotions that restore my beliefs and revitalize my thoughts, i'll probably love that my heart is so strong.)
Q: why does heart come next after soul, and not mind? i've been arguing about it with myself since July 2002. many emotions affect my mind, but it's also true that many thoughts affect my heart. i think they go right next to each other, to be honest, but i'm too tired/lazy to rig it that way for this blog post. well, actually... maybe i'm not. let's try it.
|mind - oh crap... i didn't think about the fact that one has to go to the left of the other. so now it looks like the heart gets to be second-in-command. maybe i should let them take turns??? who knows. it doesn't really matter. (now there's a phrase i don't use often...)|
my thoughts are of school, and friends, and my career. 'school' includes eagerness to learn and fear of failure. 'friends' includes discouraging inadequacies and anticipation of good times. 'my career' includes frustration and doubt, mostly.
and then i've got all these half-formed plans, sort of tossed into a pile that continually grows, and never gets organized.
body - this isn't supposed to matter very much. but for some reason we're designed so that our emotions can be traced back to our brain-chemicals (somewhat). same with our thoughts: they're electrical impulses in the brain (supposedly). i'm telling you, if you ever want to become disillusioned with modern science, just start asking lots of hard questions. eventually you'll become so confused by the so-called "facts" that you won't even try anymore.
and now, to my great self-disappointment and hopelessness, i've even succeeded in tracing my faith back to my brain. i would love to tear something apart right now.
this is me, subbing for a better me, August 21st, 2006. to myself: please, please change. please.
EDIT: i forgot to mention, that one of Llaura's excuses for her decision to end our relationship, was that she turned 20 and felt like she had changed into a different person overnight. i called her stupid (in my mind) for pulling something like that. even if it were possible, i told myself, it shouldn't cause you to do something like that.
now i'm wondering if it actually is possible, although i think it far more likely that birthdays are simply times of self-evaluation and introspection, so people expect to look at themselves and see something different, which is really what causes them to see themselves as different. or, less cynically, it's what makes them admit that they've been changing gradually.
either way, i don't think turning 20 would make me break up with someone. but that's a tangent. i'm just letting you know, me: remember the month and the year when you recorded all these changes.