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Monday, June 26, 2006

ATTN

Any further Anymice comments will be wiped (erased, removed, deleted) from this little corner of the web without apology or notice.

Sorry.

(but not really.)

i question almost everything

but the effect music has on me-- not when i'm worshipping, but when i'm just enjoying it-- is one of the things i have rarely if ever questioned. it just sounds and feels so good, on multiple levels, that questioning why it does that seems completely unimportant. normally i'd want to know exactly how something works, especially something so beautiful and transcending. but good music is just too much for me to handle. in-credible.

(i'm listening to Burlap to Cashmere, btw)

i wish i could be a somewhat more disciplined person. i'm usually sleepy because my sleepy-times are so irregular and inconsistent. i want to be there for all my friends, but i'm rarely online anymore. i want to get some things done, projects and stuff, but i never make time for them. i need to be more disciplined. summer is great fo rbeing lazy and relaxing, but i think i've swung far too far.

i've slowly begun to change that. in very small ways. hopefully all the small changes will add up gradually.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Psalm 16:6

the moment i'm experiencing now, is one of inexplicable peace and contentment. i'm a brilliant fool for trying to analyze it instead of simply enjoying it, but in my defense, i did sit back and soak it in for a few minutes before coming here, to this blogspot, as i have so many times before (over a thousand, certainly).

some good things:
  • my relationship with Bekah is restored to health
  • Andrew messaged me, and i messaged him back, with many thoughts
  • i got a good nap this evening
  • it's past midnight, and the only light is this monitor and my desk lamp
  • it's the perfect temperature, and it's quiet
  • i have new books to read, and i'm loving them
  • i don't have any responsibilities
  • i have great family and friends, and good relationships with them
  • i found some work to do that is fun but not very demanding
  • i'm keeping in contact (mentally and emotionally) with people who are far away
  • Rybarczyk replied to my blog comment
  • i have this room to myself (solitude)
  • my friends are happy
  • no one needs me. i need people who do, but it's a huge weight gone (for awhile)
  • i'm listening to Michelle Tumes
  • i have alot of friend times / fun times to look forward to
i could probly go on. and i could list the bad things. but they seem to not matter right now, which makes me think it woudl be pointless to put each list on the scale and see which one wins. for some reason, happiness wins tonight, despite the gravity and depth of my problems. i don't understand it, even after this brief blog. that annoys me. but i think i'll live.

i feel like myself again, back when i blogged often.

i wish i understood myself.

Monday, June 19, 2006

old new look

there is nothing new under the sun. nor in my heart. not even a new lyric. there's nothing noble or virtuous about my feelings... at least, i don't think so. they're so banal. i almost feel like a hedonist. the worst part is that there's nothing i can do about it.

why can i not be content in my resolve? i will do what i set out to do. that much is certain. this is like Lanoke all over again, except simpler and smaller (thank God...)

what's the right analogy... i know there is one.

it's like i was born underwater, and being close to her is when i come up for breath. i remember sleeping on the beach, enjoying the silence, the song, the mix of both. i remember what it was like to feel needed, to feel wanted. i remember moonlight and starlight, driving through sprinklers and rowing under fountains. i remember taking half an hour to say goodbye, whether in person or on the phone.

it takes only a few seconds to say, now, and yet it's taking me forever. i have no choice but to wait it out, and it will be all the harder now that we're speaking again. i'm sorry... i'm sorry my wisdom hasn't been enough. my commitment far outweighs it, and my need for intimacy hovers above both, waiting for its chance to interrupt my purest moments. it's a beautiful aspect of humanity, that intimacy could be such a universal need, and yet so particular in its expression. i don't just want to be with anyone. i want to be with you.

this is something i didn't ever talk about back then. it wasn't because i didn't feel it; it was because i was satisfied. it seems all too easy, now, to paint a picture of my selfishness. i'm not being hard on myself, i'm simply being honest! what have i been doing!? it's as if i've broken out of the little box we all seek to build, and then realized i had only succeeded in escaping into the next box. like those Russian dolls.

i am such an arrogant fool.

my self-concept, along with my 'unorthodox' worldview, had me believing i had somehow transcended this mess, this thing that i supposed was socially constructed. i'm such an idiot. again. as usual. geez.

the good news is that my behavior will not change. i can still deny myself what it is i want, even though my attempt to discount it as worthless or irrelevant only validated it in the end. i refuse to start something that i know will end prematurely.

but if that's my mindset, then... i mean, even when i've been true to myself, i've failed. even if it wasn't anything i did or didn't do, i failed. or did i? how do i even measure something like that? perhaps i don't have enough respect for time and change.

i miss what we had... i miss her so much.

time to change my profile song, i guess.

lol maybe a private blog post, too. maybe that's another use for them: posts that will become obsolete or even backwards someday.

i am giving in to my humanity by doing this, but i haven't many options. this is the one that does the best job of handling the pain, i think. i just hope the feeling passes soon.

i've always wanted to become the me i must be, but apparently that's not enough. there's more to me than what i want for myself. that's a scary thought. God help me...

i Llllove you.

EDIT: well... i took care of that one. i think. maybe i'm not actually just a tad bit less foolish than i thought i was. i still need someone to teach me how to live life, but i probably shouldn't dismiss myself as teacher.