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Friday, April 28, 2006

1 Corinthians 7:32-35

throughout most (if not all) of my life, i've had close friends and acquaintances... but not much in between. i'm an all-or-nothing guy; i am always seeking intensity in any experience (including relationships), and i love to explore opposing extremes.

what's happening now -- i think -- is i'm alone in a way that i haven't been before. Andrew came back into my life right around the time Llaura left, and we've been close since then. he wasn't around in the summer of '05, but i was interning for Tom and the CCC youth group at that time, and i can certainly say i had some intense, substantial relationships.

now i'm at river47 in Costa Mesa, and i have been given some sweet friendships. i have my friends at Vanguard, old and new. i'm closer now to my family than i have ever been. but some things are happening, i can't talk about them yet, and i'm going to be alone for a little while, if not a long while.

like i said, it's a different kind of alone. i'll be home for summer, loving and serving and enjoying my family and friends. Andrew and i will be hanging out a lot this next month. i'm staying with family in Irvine, which is even closer to river47 than Vanguard is. but behind all that, i have to admit that there's a space in me that no one can really fill.

most of my friends are younger than me, or just haven't traveled as far along the road of life as i have. the ones that have traveled this far, or farther -- that is, the ones with whom i can most intimately and equally relate -- are moving away, figuratively speaking. and that's strange, because i love solitude! everyone who knows me will attest to this. i love being alone, yet i feel like this space is oppressive instead of comfy.

i feel like no one's on the same plane as i am. it feels awkward saying that, because it makes me sound sort of arrogant, but you know what i'm saying! what if all your close friends were younger than you? or three grades lower? or just lived far away? or simply hadn't grown as much yet (for whatever reason)?

i don't regret isolating myself, withdrawing into my own life and away from potential friendships. that's as much a part of my personality as my love for words, or my sense of humor. what i am sad about is the void that's slowly forming in my social circle. it's hurting me, and to be very honest, it's hurting my relationships a little. i have been irate for the past week, and i'm sure school-stress and spiritual stress are factors there, but i'm equally sure that this recent social development is a factor as well.

best-friend withdrawals???

lol... whatevs. i will live as i have been taught: grateful for every blessing, and expecting nothing more than what God has promised. that's enough for me.

Friday, April 14, 2006

balance check

i am torn. my attempts to figure out the important things leaves me gasping for breath and wondering where my strength has gone. my limbs have fallen asleep; my eyes won't open; the sun sets and rises on questions that can't wait for answers, questions that weigh more than my puny life does.

what do You want from me?

what do You want for me?

who gets to call this shot? what's at stake?

i have no other compass. You are it.

i wait upon You.

Monday, April 03, 2006

finally

how long has it been since i felt compelled to post here, and only here? why do i no longer feel the need to keep things hidden in my own private corner? myspace is a place where everyone (usually) can see me. this blog doesn't really differ in that regard... does it?

is it a difference in feeling that prompts me to write here? what's different? what's the different feeling? introspection, maybe. there's less of that on my myspace. alot less, actually.

that must be it. this is where introspection takes places. there's not many times where i blog to hide from others; but there have been many times when i blogged because i was hiding from myself. so perhaps this blog is where i explore me.

every time i make a friend of the opposite gender, i marvel, and wonder, "how did this even happen??" and usually the answer is, "she trusted me." i suppose that's been the common denominator. but why? why do they trust me? why are they not afraid to invest themselves (immaterially) in me? and of course, the question that follows the initial burst of marveling is, "will it just keep going like this?"

i honestly wasn't expecting you, Birdie Aurora. but God has blessed me again, and i intend, as always, to honor that. i don't think i've ever done anything formal like this, but i swear i will Love you as best i can, until the day might come (but i hope not) where you'll no longer be open to that. there doesn't have to be any romance, secular or otherwise, in order for me to keep this promise. i know that's hard for the world to understand, probably not so much for you (whether or not you've thought through such a possibility before), but whatevs. i am yours, insofar as i can be a servant, friend, and brother to you.

i try not to take relationships with girls lightly, no matter what types of relationship they are. i'm a person of commitment; it's at the core of me. it drives me, or i'm driven to it, or something. know that i praise God for His rule in my life and yours. thank you for being who you are.

talk to you soon.