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Thursday, February 23, 2006

what is life?

fairly easy to find someone to answer this... but fairly tough to get anything comprehensive. i just finished watched "Just Like Heaven," and i won't ruin anything for you, but basically the biggest value is placed on together-ness. in other words, the movie says that relationships are the most important and fulfilling element of life. in some cases, in specific ways, they are life.

what i realize now, as i'm striving for integrity (congruity between my beliefs and my lived-out-life), is how many relationships i have that were simply offered out of love and a recognition of the value of friendship itself. i would be wasting words to say that i don't deserve any of you, because it was never about me, or you. it was always about the relationship between us, or, more concisely, who we are together.

and here's what i'm really getting at. there are some friendships i've taken for granted, because... i dunno why. i guess because they were so easy at first. for the most part, i haven't really had to work very hard in my friendships. i've met so many loving people. i can't handle the thought of it. wow...

Kiko, i always thought you thought badly of me or something, or that we just didn't get along for some reason. i didn't really like that, but i didn't ask, either, so my assumption has remained thus far. except that i spent a weekend with Steph and a few others. so... thanks for being a friend, even when i wasn't. hopefully we can hang out more, whether it's FDC or elsewhere.

Danny, today's your birthday, and i dunno if you will be celebrating at all, but i'm going to celebrate you whether you like it or not ;) because, honestly, my life would have been so much emptier without you. i've not been who i should be to you this past year, maybe longer, and i really want to apologize.

i dunno how you feel about our friendship, but i miss it. there are many difficulties i could have prevented, had i been willing to put our relationship above myself, but somehow my pride was hidden from me. i see it now because of some recent experiences. i guess i'm mostly referring to dumb arguments we've had... i could have bowed my head in respect and love, for the sake of friendship, but i didn't. i'm sorry... it was stupid. asinine. i will try to work on it, if you're willing and gracious enough to give me the chance.

Jolynn, i don't know when you'll ever read this, if at all, but i miss you, and i feel bad whenever i think of you because i don't know what more i can do. i'm not sure what it is that you would ask of me, if you were here, but honestly, i can't wait to do whatever it is that will help you make me a good memory instead of a nauseating one.

i came to Woodward Park that day not to resolve anything, but simply to be with you. i just missed you. i don't have any bitterness or anything towards you. i'm hurt by the fact that i hurt you, and i don't think i can resolve and honor that fully without you. but there doesn't seem to be room for that when we talk. tell me what to do. just tell me... my heart is facedown right now.

and to everyone who has ever been abundantly gracious to me in friendship, in spite of all my flaws and faults and mistakes: thank you. i thank God for you.

happy b-day, Danny. may God bless you with purpose and all the fullness of Life.



Tuesday, February 07, 2006

this stage, the trend

overwhelmed again. it's this chapter's theme. maybe i should go through the life-as-a-book exercise again... tomorrow during my morning jog, perhaps. pshyeah, like i'm actually going to go through with it. i have enough abandoned or forgotten dreams for a dozen people.

thank you, Caleb, for interrupting what would have been a worthless post. this is a reply to yours.



i don't grasp what you're thinking... the only place it seems to fit in my head, is in the need for contrition.

they say that the Examen of the Soul should be a daily habit for spiritual leaders. it involves Enlightenment, Thanksgiving, Examination, Contrition, and Resolution- in that order. i saw this over the past weekend, which i spent mainly with Stephanie Uribe (yoo-REE-bee).

Enlightenment came when i realized that the weekend had been set up long beforehand- not for me, but for Him. i had a face-to-face encounter with beauty and truth and the further unveiling of God's power (kingdom) in this world as we approach the End.

Thanksgiving followed, of course... i have told everyone who's asked that this past weekend was one of the best, if not the best, weekend of my life. i was literally overflowing with gratitude at the start of the week, and still am, a little.

Examination... yes. a certain recurring struggle in my life (a good struggle, not bad) invited me to search myself, and invite Holy Spirit to search me as well. i am self-critical by nature, but in a shallow way, usually. this was deeply piercing, and i could only go to my knees.

Contrition is the acute, humble awareness of the distance between who you are now, and who you must become. i looked upon the Grand Canyon, and knew i would never be able to leap it. what, then?

Resolution: to build a bridge, slat by slat and strand by strand. i must become. i have to start now, because now is the only moment i will ever have, and my mission is far too urgent and important to be compromised by laziness or even a hint of apathy.

what blows me away is that this sort of process could be done daily! this one was probably a paragon, a 'big one', so to speak, but still... i'm not sure i'm mature enough for this yet. i think i'll stick to my once-in-a-while long walks with God around the campus at night. He's on/in my mind almost every day now, no matter what i try to do. a lot of things have led up to that. i can actually see the other side of this particular gap, now. i want to become a person characterized by continual communing with God. if i am filled with and brought to life by the Spirit, could there be anything more appropriate, more natural, than to nurture a constant spiritual awareness?

it's like waking up from the secular dream. i may still be blinking sleep out of my eyes, but i know what is real, and it has captured me.

thank You, God, for the encouragement you gave me through my friends today. i pray You help me become, so that i can help others in turn.