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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

sigh

it's my fault, really, for not adequately explaining to people the absence of new moon-bathing posts.

oh, wait... i did explain to people the absence of new moon-bathing posts! thus, the title. oh, well. i guess i will skip that explanation, then, and leave it to my friends to find the info on my mice-base, if they somehow missed it (*cough*SUBSCRIBE*cough*).

as for comment response, i posted long ago the decision to respond only to certain select bits, and i haven't seen any of those lately except for Sunset's reminder that i hadn't connected with her in quite awhile (we had been talking about a much-needed long-distance phone call)... but other than that, i can't see that any comments warrant responses. this, of course, is onyl half of my explanation for not posting any comment-responses at this time. the other half is discussed in the first two paragraphs of this post.

as always, though, i am an open book for those who have the patience and courage to read. i've found lately that truly GOOD readers also have humility, but i would be arrogant if i asked people to be humble when listening to me, so instead i offer a word of advice for general interpersonal communication: be humble. humility goes a VERY long way. i say this as someone who at times has tried to 'go long,' but instead tripped over my own feet before the first step had been taken.

lastly: ask me specific questions. i don't do well with broad ones. =)

Monday, May 09, 2005

rescued again

sometimes you have to try things that you know won't work, because what you think you know is often more of a hindrance to progress than what you don't.

whatever it is that bothers me every waking moment, I will find out what it is, and deal with it. I'm tired of speculating... I'd rather search. seek and destroy. sounds cool that way. thank You for being a person and not a vending machine, not a strategy, not a handbook, not a set of guidelines, not a science, not a formula, not a machine, not an equation.

the Truth is a person.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

messed up

God,

I don't know why I'm so messed up, but I'm praying that You'll fix me anyway. Grant me rest, God, because I so desperately need and crave it. Thank You for a Bbbbeautiful day. I am Yours; save me.

amen

leave my senses reeling

I can't sleep. My eyes are so tired from being open so long, but they ache more if I keep them shut for more than a few minutes. The music that once had me snoring in minutes now keeps me awake, but silence leave my mind too much room to wander.

I did not truly blog for over two weeks. What in the world happens to a person who blog as much as I do (just click on any month of 2005, in the Archives), who suddenly stops? I found myself journaling in casual e-mails to friends and family! I couldn't stop typing. Now I feel like I have so much to say that it's no use trying to say any of it.

Today was just a glimpse of an incredible summer awaiting me. Most people skim over the word 'incredible,' but think about it for a moment. What I mean by incredible is, things will happen this summer that have never happened before. I don't mean my new room, or the internship, or anything like that... I mean deeper things. Things are changing. This new world, this new kingdom, is being revealed more and more, day by day.

The author of the Gospel of John believed that eternal life is here for us now, not later. His view of Christ was more divine than historical. He would say that the kingdom has already arrived truly, and we can experience it was it was meant to be experienced. Others say we still await it. Some say we have eternal life truly, but not yet fully. Perhaps there's another valid view, that it is becoming more visible little by little. Or maybe it's just that our Eyes are being opened more.

I'm meeting people I would never have gone out to meet. I'm Loving people I met two months ago, two weeks ago, two days ago, and being phileo'd in return. Brotherly love was considered the highest form of love, you know, until Christianity began to turn things around a little.

I think many things about myself. One is that I'm too utterly confused to say anything clearly. Another is that I've never seen myself in such vivid, defined detail before. Maybe I know nothing, maybe I've learned more than I ever have. I have certainly grown, but I often feel small enough to slip between the cracks without a trace.

This is too different. My comfort zone is so far out of sight that I don't even know what IS comforting anymore. Maybe I'm meant to grow so much that being on the cutting edge of things is actually the most comforting place. Maybe this inner and outer turmoil is the best thing for a once-hidden, restless heart.

I need more time. I need more energy. I have too many friends to invest all of me in. How can anyone choose??? And between such wonderful people? Have you ever had too many blessings (relationships) to handle, so that they became a drain on you instead of a source of life? Why am I so confusing, if I know so much? If I am so good at figuring things out, why do only a few things make sense?

Where am I, in the midst of a job and stupid grades and summer break and friends and enemies and poetry and music and becoming a stranger to myself? Why can't I trust my mirrors anymore? I feel like Neo in the first of the trilogy. My input/output carrier signal is being disrupted.

I've been broken and remade so many times now. There's no point counting. Why do I feel like a wave, a house of cards, a pair of dice, a scale going back and forth? Maybe a gyroscope. Those things can be fascinating and dizzying at the same time.

Enough of me. This blog has too much of me in it. Or maybe not enough, these past months... maybe just the right amount. Maybe maybe maybe. My eyes hurt. I have to be up at 7:15a, and it's almost 3a. I have responsibilities. Miles to go before I sleep.

My mind won't shut up. It hasn't for weeks. What is wrong with me? Why is me wrong? What's right?

I wish I could blame all this mental chaos on a relationship, but that excuse doesn't work, now that I realize what a great one it would be. I told a friend recently that if a girl ever settled for a boyfriend like me, she would need to be strongly reminded of how priceless she is, of how much she is worth. I told another friend that I try to stay away from girls, and she said that was crap, look at your mice base. I said I couldn't possibly stay away from people I care about (for long). They certainly won't stay out of my heart and mind and prayers. I won't let them out.

Am I emotionally needy? Do I write to attract attention? Do I crave more attention than I need? I think my biggest emotional need is the deepo and fulfilling and warm feeling of satisfaction, which comes when I meet the needs of others. Please. Please let me serve you, uplift you, encourage you, Love you.

Let me see you. I cannot do anything from this distance. Let me in. I've fought the dragon, crossed the rickety bridge, climbed to the top of the highest tower, and now I find the door is locked. Are any of you sleeping? Searching? Hungry? Afraid? Proud? Bleeding? Too weak to move? Can't find the key?

That's what I am here for. This is what I am here for. I am created, designed, called, commanded, privileged, blessed... to Love you.

Teach me how. I will be your student, and His servant, always. I know this for sure: that the most important answers to the question "who am I?" will always be constant and absolute, no matter how I lose sight of them or try to redefine them or find them manifesting in ways I never could have imagined.

We live in a kingdom where the only Law is Freedom, the only Authority is Love, the only Life is far deeper and fuller and brighter than any other life you think you have. The air in your lungs, the blood in your veins, the depth in your eyes, they are all wonderfully created... yet they don't compare to the depth and beauty of your heart and soul, and I, as stupid and flawed and useless as I often am, have been brought here to create a place where you can experience the most fulfilling, satisfying LIFE you will ever hear, taste, touch, smell, see.

It's those things you never see that are most real. You were born into a family of inheritors of this reality, this kingdom, this life. Don't be content with what you have. Search always for more; sometimes it's the questions and seeking that are more important, not the answers or the destination. The destination is not a fixed point. It's a vector, a direction, a dancing comet that will lead you to places unheard of, places that could never exist in real life. But the things which seem most unreal are the places you were always meant to be.

I miss all of you. ALL of you. Come and ask me why, so that I can share with you the ugly, strongly-bleeding heart that never wants to stay inside my chest.

Why will it not stop beating?

What Stirs you?

Who are you?

What is the next question?

Friday, May 06, 2005

sweet lady freedom!!!

I've just finished my first year at Vanguard... but I'm still amazingly busy. That means no good post until next week sometime, after I get settled in a little at home.

=) New poem in the meantime.