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Friday, December 31, 2004

a saviour

a saviour is a warrior. a hero. an epic, legendary character. i could use one of those right now.

please pray that He comes quickly.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004


Llaura once asked me, "would you rather overcast, sunny, or partly cloudy?" my reply was, "whatever fits my mood, actually. i like the weather if it fits my mood."

if the weather had been bound to my mood these past few weeks, we would have seen a radically different climate every 12 hours or so, if not multiple types simultaneously. i've been torn apart by the worst storms i've ever experienced. i've basked in sunshine so intense that it burns away my flesh, heart, and mind, leaving only my spirit intact. i've walked through a greyscale, overcast world, through hurricanes and gentle rains and blizzards that leave my body completely numb. and then the sun comes out again and thaws me so quickly that i become a puddle instead of an 18-year-old male.

there's no bipolarity here. this is dodecalarity, or something. o.O

i'm only posting this because 1) i think some people actually check it once in awhile, and 2) i have no one else to express myself to except, well... myself. my self is actually not a bad guy to be with. he understands me pretty well. sometimes people in the caf at VU ask me why i sit all by my lonesome, and the reply i've settled on is, "my lonesome is actually excellent company."

don't get me wrong, Lane (and all you Casa Nueve people, and a few other good friends who i know would do anything they could to help me), i know i can call you guys anytime if i need you. that in itself is a small comfort. it shows that God exists; how else could any of you Love me? but the thing is, none of you know where i am, or who i am today. i mean, you do... you know the core of me. but there is so much happening right now that you would have to be my shadow to understand me.

it's okay. the only reason i'm alive right now is because God is... well, He IS. He listens to me, speaks to me, teaches me how to Love, how to cope with feelings, how to Live. He reminds me that He Loves me, and that i'm not helpless. He reminds me that He has plans to prosper me, if i will choose the path He's prepared for me. i am so blessed (blessed as in JOYFUL) to experience God right now. i've never been closer to Him (overall) than i have been recently.

so let me say this. no matter what kind of pain you're going through, or how strong it is, think twice and even thrice before despairing. you don't need to be spiritually strong, you don't have to carry that ton of bricks all by yourself, and you don't need to worry. God's big enough that there's no comparison between His active Love and your problems, so all you need to do is seek Him. if you think you don't know what that means, ask Him to teach you. He's such a cool God that He'll actually teach you how to be taught. He'll give you every single thing you need, if you only seek Him wholeheartedly.

*steps down from pulpit, and up from the pit*

He will bless you.

~a slave~

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

#16: Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!

Friday, December 10, 2004

i sail alone

to read this poem as it was expressed,
speak it slowly and softly, and do not skip the blank lines

silence must be heard

i sail alone
chasing a horizon that never comes
chasing a dream that never ends
chasing a sun that never sets

i sail alone
chased by a lukewarm wind
chased by a cautious storm
chased by a hidden wave

i sail alone
watching the moon half-risen
watching the stars play hide and seek
watching the clouds form question marks

i sail alone
watched by all the ocean
watched by empty eyes
watched by distant houses of light

i sail alone
ignoring the broken mast
ignoring the empty barrels
ignoring the hole in the hull

i sail alone
ignored by the gulls
ignored by the other boats
ignored by the crowd on the shore

i sail alone

i sail alone

i sail alone

i sail alone

i sail with Him
praying for rain
praying for food
praying for healing

i sail with Him
blessed with grace
blessed with hope
blessed with Love

sprained ankle story

i was on my way to the career center to find out about an open job position on campus, so i was hurrying down the stairs. i tripped, and would have caught myself, but i grabbed the handrail for support, forgetting that some pranksters had left vaseline all over the rails.

So i slipped again, landed wrong, and twisted my ankle inward. i hobbled back up the stairs, washed off the vaseline, and limped over to my appointment. It actually wasn't feeling too bad at that point, but the pain eventually got worse, and Andrew had to give me one of his "ACE" bandage things.

Perfect, huh? Right before Christmas break. Right before the camping trip. =)

the end

Sunday, December 05, 2004

untitled poem

This isn't particularly relevant to my life right now, but I was reminded of it, and I realized I never posted it on my website (home of the wind). So here it is. You've probably seen it already, but one of the things I've been learning about blogging is that the blogger posts just as much for himself (or herself) as [s]he does for his (or her) audience.

Hope you [still] enjoy it.

X marks the spot (or so I've been told),
where pirates of old buried silver and gold;
by the sweat of their skin, and the blood of their veins,
endured wildest of squalls and greatest of pains
to safeguard their treasure with padlocks and chains

diamonds and bloodwine and pieces of eight
are rumored to wait in the chests and the crates
that sit silent, unmoving, alone in the sand
begging the world for a curious hand
to discover the map, and to scour the land

but the trustworthy map is nowhere to be found
as far as I know, it's been floating around
on the treacherous, bittersweet winds of the sea,
the same winds that bring stormclouds to me

so I have no direction, no knowledge, no guide
just a purpose in mind, and a friend at my side
this companion, he's faithful no matter the cost
he keeps my heart beating as it's battered and tossed
by the merciless pounding of wave after wave...
so I trust in his power to save

we are driven by goals that we set long ago,
when the swift summer winds in our favor would blow
and we thought of the treasure as already found
and we slept through each night, safe and sound

we followed our compass, by day and by night
whether stormy or peaceful, in darkness or light.
but a new day has dawned, with no sun in the east
no promise of safety; not a chance in the least
of a favorable breeze, or the swell of a tide.
I didn't think compasses lied.

I trusted my friend, and his compass, as well
but it turns out the needle points straight into hell
so there's really no sense in our traveling, now...
we're as far as good sense will allow

I've bailed my last bucket, repaired my last sail
and now, like a fool, I gulp the last of the ale
wond'ring why I was led here, to death and decay
I was stupid, and now I must pay-

-for my adventuring spirit, my hunger for fun,
-for my selfishness, equaled by none
-for my false sense of truth, and my trust in my friend
who said he'd be here 'till the end

but he did keep his promise, so I guess he deserves
some small credit, though I don't know what purpose it serves
to stick with a friend, when we're destined to fail.

never again will I sail.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

losing my mind

Romans 7 and Romans 8


Thanks to those of you who responded to my e-mail. If you get another e-mail about being removed from the Blogger admin team or somesuch, ignore it... no one was posting except me (except for once or twice when I requested), so I removed the team to make room for the profile.

If anyone knows why the top right corner of the contect box has that extra little rectangle thing, please e-mail me. I can't figure it out.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

The Earthquake Project

True comedy, as defined by the early Greek philosophers, often includes a particular story element in which a person of low or common position is raised to unexpected heights of fame, glory, and honor.

This paper is one such person.

The Earthquake Project

Bunsen burners, boiling water, lasers and razors and hot glue guns... one might expect even a simple mistake to have disastrous effects, in a class that touches on the curricula of not one, but several areas of science. Yet, a project straight from our geology lessons turned out to be easier than it should have been, all because of one mistake.

The most important question the team of architects asked was, quite naturally, “White glue or green glue?” Heeding the advice of our professor (and somewhat enjoying the concept of acting as guinea pigs), our team used the white glue, hoping to save time.

The drawing was easy. The team simply copied it out of the book used their imaginations to create what they thought would serve as the strongest possible model for the building. With a steady hand and a ready pencil, Chelsea added crucial shading elements to the template, untiring and resolute in her efforts despite some minor setbacks caused by Isaiah’s lack of foresight. In a supreme example of teamwork, over 100 pieces of I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-balsa-wood were cut and prepared. Not wanting to wait until the last minute, the team members procrastinated, as usual solemnly agreed that the wood should be glued as soon as possible, to make sure the building was at its strongest when the time of testing came.

Yet the providentially fatal misstep came when the glue was applied. Deep in the heart of Isaiah’s dorm room, inspired by the eerie, haunting melodies of John Eric’s electric guitar, Dave Martin and Isaiah glued the iron plates to the girders wherever the two materials touched. Like artists looking down upon a masterpiece, they meticulously examined every joint and angle, making absolutely sure that the integrity of their dreams would not be recklessly or needlessly ruined by the powerful waves of the Epicenter Earthquake Machine.

Realizing their mistake too late, the two artists were nevertheless hopeful. Rather than despairing at the accidental bonding, they rejoiced in the possibility that those sixteen extra strokes of their Q-tips would bear fruit just as ripe as the other teams’ efforts.

The day finally arrived. Though the humble team was more than willing to let others have the honor of first blood, they were nevertheless ushered to the front of the class, outwardly calm but inwardly trembling, giddy with anticipation.

The room fell silent as Kyle took the stopwatch in hand. Professor Crenshaw, unaware of the extra glue the team had applied, fixed their structure to the base, and fastened the entire contraption to the earthquake simulator.

“5.5,” he murmured a moment later, as the tower began to vibrate.

“Forty-five seconds,” Kyle shouted over the growing commotion. The class looked on in awe as the tower began to splinter- and yet, it stood, triumphant. Had those four plates, those solid, strong, proud iron plates, been able to speak, they would have shouted, “Victory!!!” for the entire campus to hear. Indeed, each student on campus was, at that moment, experiencing a strange sense of destiny fulfilled, as if they knew the team’s moment of glory had come.

As Professor Crenshaw let the vibrations of the simulator fade away, the class sprang once again into conversation. After the four of them exchanged high-fives and compliments, Isaiah turned to Dave.

“White glue dries clear,” he whispered.

“It’s true,” Dave replied, smiling.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Excerpt from an Entry

-=[ EDIT: November 30th, 10:24 a.m. ]=-

This is part of a blog entry i just published for Llaura, at a different site. i thought and felt that i should share it. You're welcome to comment, but i should warn you beforehand that you're not going to change my mind about any of this, unless you know something significant that i don't know.

It didn't take long for you to get plugged into Clovis Christian. i think many of the friends you only knew of by name, you now know better than i do. It seems like you should have been hanging out with everyone since you were all born.

i kept telling people they would never miss me when i left for VU. i had a few people tell me that they would, but i smiled and shook my head. i'm pretty sure i actually believed myself, for the most part. So why does it surprise me that i'm right?

i know that since i've left, no one has contacted me before i contacted them. It would have been so easy to disappear, Llaura. i could have said my goodbyes, deleted my Blogger account completely, switched to Gmail, and never had any contact from anyone again, until i returned.

No one would have said anything.

You, on the other hand, are important. People miss you when you miss a single church service. The thought of you surfaces in people's minds even in the midst of their mental busy-ness. They call you every other day wanting to go here or there. Guys, girls, family, friends, strangers, other people's families, other people's friends, everybody wants to be with you. i guess that makes sense. No, i know that makes sense. Even when you were spending so much time with me that it was hurting your friends, the fact that it hurt them (and you) shows how friendly you can be, and how people see you.

i'm not that type of person. i don't attract people at all. i have to work hard to build and maintain and further relationships. When i don't call someone, they don't call me, either. What's weird is that i don't really see you making many calls just to chat. i guess it's because you don't have to; you just check your voice messages, return them, and you've made contact.

Maybe i'm used to having things come naturally to me. i was certainly had this subconscious expectation for hip-hop (but i was disappointed). i shouldn't have expected people to feel the same way about me as they do about you.

Yes!! i've been trying to figure it out ever since that first twinge of pain when you told me you'd spent a significant amount of time with the Clovis Christian gang. i have been trying to identify and endure this emotion i have whenever you tell me stories of them and of you, and i think God is finally giving me an answer to my questions...

All this time, i've been missing my friends. That's natural. i left for college, and right when things were getting interesting, right when people were joining the CC community, right when that community began expanding to welcome both new people (whom i was just barely getting to know) and old people (who had been in hiding until i left). Also, you got to stay home an extra amount of time. Maybe i envied you for that. i'm not really sure what envy is; i used to think it was the acceptable version of jealousy, but God says love doesn't envy, so now i have to re-think that. Anyway, i felt bad for not being there with old friends, not being there with new friends, and not being involved in the new and exciting stuff that was going on while i went through my first semester of college.

But the emotion puzzled me, and today, for the first time, i am not questioning what it is, but whether it's valid or not. i may have asked that question before, but it was never my main focus. Forget the fact that i'm feeling it. Is it valid? Is it the right feeling to have? And what is it a response to?

It's disappointment- partially, at least. i expected people to relate to me as strongly as they do to you, perhaps stronger. i've known some of them longer. i have more in common with them. i hang out with them. But then, you came to surf camp, we spent a lot of time together, and then you started to really get close to everyone. That was cool; i really thought it was cool, the way everyone wanted to be friends with you.

Then i left, and people would have forgotten about me, had i made no effort to remind them. But you? If you had done what i did, they would have gone on strike. No school, no work, no peace of mind until we know where Llaura is and why she hasn't called us in the last 24 hours! Some of them even did go on strike, when our relationship was forming and progressing.

And i, in my stupidity, in my naivety, in my all-too-common pattern of ridiculously high expectations, thought that things would be the other way around.

That's why i hurt every time you tell me you've been with them. Part of me sees that you're better friends with them than i ever was, or ever will be. It makes sense that that hurts me. It also make sense that it would make me happy. i am always curious about what you do with everyone, so it makes sense that i'd want to know in the first place. i want to hear about people at home because i love them. i want to hear about you with them because i know you enjoy their company and friendship.

i'm thanking God right now, because even though my Foundations class was cancelled this morning due to Travis' sickness (i could have slept in!!!), i spent that time well. i went to my favorite morning spot: the bench and the fountain, right outside the Newport Mesa Christian Church building (chapel). On the way, i talked to God. When i got there, i talked to God. When the wind became too strong and too cold for me to bear, even with my two layers, i went back to the empty classroom and talked to God some more.

i don't know yet, but i hope this understanding will help alleviate my feelings. This was another thing bothering me this past week. i had come home for over a week, and yet i felt like i barely had any time with anyone. You came back the day before Thanksgiving, and everyone was scrambling to take a number so they could hang out with you. Not only that, but the time that each of us (respectively) spent with them, we never spent with each other! It was either Isaiah, or Llaura. >=(

A while back, i posted about how much i missed everyone. This has been the follow-up to that post. Thanks for reading, everybody.

Oh, and a sidenote for Ug: I don't include you in this "they" and "we" stuff. =) Thanks again for the week. Ask Aunt Grace how she likes her breakfast-in-bed prepared.

-- EDIT --

I was expecting this reply, because I had the same thought myself. "Get over it, foof-head." But I tried that already. If I could get over it, I would, but relationships are more important to me than that.

I believe every emotion has a cause, but that doesn't mean every emotion is valid. I think there is some validity to my feelings, but I don't think they're completely valid.

You ask how you could be envious of what I had at the Retreat... but that's exactly why I'm envious. It's because it's so great. I thought I had that close bond you speak of. I thought I was as tight with my friends as I now know Llaura is; but now that I see it, I see that I didn't have what I thought I had.

Maybe it's true that when I returned, it was as if I had never been gone. But I think it was as if I had never been gone even while I was gone. I don't feel as bad about that anymore... I don't hold anything against anyone for it. All I have now is a regret/sadness that I can't be as good a friend as Llaura is.

I don't know who I've touched or influenced at Clovis Christian. No one has ever told me I've impacted them or made any difference. I think that if I did make any difference, it was only because God used me for a small part of His plan, and anyone else could have done the same or better. You talk about signs, and I don't discredit your perceptions, but I do ask for some kind of evidence. LoL Everyone knows how skeptical I can be. When asked by the quiz (in a post below) whether I was a skeptical person or not, my answer was, "I might be... you'd have to show me some strong proof to convince me that I'm skeptical." I'm not asking people to come tell me I'm important to them; in fact, I'm not asking anyone to do anything.

I had hoped that understanding the situation would bring a peace of mind and heart, and it's beginning to do so. I don't have any negative feelings towards anyone (except myself, and that's normal), and I don't think this issue is going to bother me anymore. I guess I can learn from it, though. I've been learning alot in the past few months. I feel like I'm taking some accelerated, condensed courses, as if God wanted me to get my major in Life a few years early. Whether or not I'm as close to anyone as I'd like to be, I need to be better than I've been.

The leadership group refers to you frequently, and people ask your parents (and Grace and I) about you in church often as well. Adults are polite that way. I don't know anything about the leadership group referring to me, but I suspect the references have to do with quotes and funny stories. And that's cool; life wouldn't be the same without quotes and funny stories. That's a cool impact to have on people, too. I hope they always remember those...

Thanks for the reply. It's helped me to see things better.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004


Yeah, so i declared my religion major today. i'm all set for next semester, and my advisor tells me my grades and my progress are impressive. i don't know if she's right, but she gave me some great advice.

i told her i couldn't really see myself majoring in anything except religion, and she said, "Well, if that's the case, honey, then fill out this form, and on this line here, put RELIGION." (She's African-American.) That's only a summary of what she said, of course... She 'told it like it is,' and her words and tone were simultaneously casual and intense, simple and profound, and it sounded really awesome. Wish i could describe the experience better. She seemed very wise about college life and the way education works today.

Now that i'm thinking about it, it's almost like all of the little pieces of advice i've been collecting, all of the times God sort of prodded me this way and that, were summarized in my appointment with her. i was thinking, "i told you so, Isaiah. i told you to just move as you best knew how, and expect God to direct you. But did you have faith? Noooo... okay, well, you had some, but now you have more because of the answers God has been showing you."

i think sometimes the questions we can ask in five seconds actually take years to answer completely.

Anyway, God still rules (no, seriously... He does.), and i'm a religion major. i don't know what that's going to lead to after college, but that's cool. i'm here to learn, right? But i'm not just here to learn facts, i'm here to learn how to learn, and i'm here to experience the answers to my biggest questions, not receive them in an instant.

Trust in God with your whole heart; don't depend on your own knowledge or wisdom. In everything you do, at school or at home or with friends or at church or in your car, acknowledge God, and He'll lead you into abundant life, both before death and after.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

The Quiz

similarminds.com - Personality Test

Answering these questions accurately requires honest reflection on how you really think, feel, and act and maybe taking the test on more than one occasion. Some of the questions on this test measure personality traits differently than you might guess so trying to answer the test in a way you think would be ideal is just going to screw up your results, so just focus on being honest if you want the most accurate results.


1) I am willing to talk about myself.

Most of the time. Sometimes I believe people won't understand, or that their reaction will cause problems, so I refuse to explain myself, but most of the time I even enjoy explaining who I am and why.

2) I am relaxed most of the time.

Relaxed? Bodily, or metaphysically??? I can get pretty tense while watching a movie, or playing a video game... it's usually when I'm concentrating very hard that I tense up. Llaura says I'm always tense, but I don't think that kind of tense is the opposite of the kind of relaxed that the quiz is talking about.

3) I maintain my spaces in an orderly way.

I usually leave messes the way they are no longer than a few days. Anything longer, and I have some really good reasons... like being out of town or something.

4) I get upset easily.

Easily? Does this mean, "It takes very little to make me upset," or does it mean "It takes a lot to upset me, but my idea of a lot is nothing to some people" ? Isn't it true that one thing might anger one person to the point of violence, while causing nothing more than a shrug in someone else? And what might make the second person erupt could bring no reaction at all from the first person?

All in all, I think I get upset more often than the average person, only because I don't put up with as much. When there's a problem, I see it as something that needs to be resolved and completely and quickly as possible. Injustice is especially inflammatory, in terms of my temper. I get this surge of energy that could supposedly be used to solve the problem, but I don't always use it that way. Sometimes that's because I can't solve the problem (which just makes me angrier), and sometimes it's because I let anger dictate my actions, or the way I act.

5) I am more active than attractive.

LoL I am more ANYTHING than attractive. Easy question, though I don't really understand its purpose...

6) I enjoy managing others.

??? What? No idea. If this is referring to the amount of energy and effort that is required to keep certain types of people (usually friends) under control, then my answer is a resounding no.

7) I am not easily bothered by things.

... I guess they thought this question was important enough to ask twice. Refer to number four.

8) I do most of the talking.

... where?! At church? Hanging out with friends? Online? During a job interview? During a debate? Oh, I could easily talk for hours during debates over important issues, especially if someone needs to be convinced of something, but I sometimes remain eerily silent with other people around.

9) I am calm in tense situations.

Tense situations being what? Certain situations are tense for some people, and not for others... I guess it's asking if I'm calm in situations that I view as tense. Well, I'm not sure how you can be calm and tense at the same time, unless by 'calm' they mean actions and behavior, and 'tense' refers to emotion and mental status.

I can be calm in tense situations... sometimes not. Sometimes I choose not to be. =) Sometimes I am at my calmest when other people are most upset.

10) I am skeptical.

. . . I might be. I would need solid evidence before you convinced me that I was skeptical.

11) I get stressed out easily.

No... I think. I 'stress out' infrequently, but maybe that's because life is easier for me than it is for others.

12) I leave a mess in my room.

I answered this one already, too... what the heck is up with this quiz?

13) I can make it on my own.

What the heck? Nobody can do this. Stupid question. And what exactly is the "it" referring to?

14) I would never get a tattoo.

How can you know this, unless your beliefs are rock-solid and unchanging for eternity? Though right now, I would not consider it, unless something important depended on it.

15) I don't value organized religion.

That's correct, I don't value organized religion... but my definition of religion is different than yours, and so is "organized." Hard question to answer without having a long discussion.

16) I believe anything can be accomplished in the long run.

If I believed anything could be accomplished in the long run, I would have to believe that it's possible to make something impossible to achieve. If it's possible to make something impossible, then it's not possible to do anything anymore (since something is one of the anythings), and so you can't answer this question (as it is) without being paradoxical.

How sad.

17) I daydream about people to maintain a sense of closeness.

Whoa. Loaded. I don't think so. Never thought about that before. I enjoy remembering times with friends, and sometimes I daydream, but I do that because I enjoy it, not necessarily to "maintain a sense of closeness." I don't want to lie to myself.

18) I don't talk a lot.

Answered this one, too. I'll talk a lot when I want to, and be closemouthed when I want to. I prefer silence in many situations, and I cannot keep silent in others...

19) I am a very organized person.

Well, I like to keep my possessions organized, but as for the aspects of ME being organized... maybe they are, to some degree, but they're also changing, so... *shrug*

20) I do things at the last minute.

This one can wait until I answer all the other questions.

21) I get chores done right away.

Nope. Not even close, unless I'm doing the chores because I want to, and not because I need to.

22) I am open about myself to others.

Answered this already. Stupid quiz...

23) I am superstitious.

I would say "Nope!" but then the spirit of superstition might hear me, and do weird stuff to my stuff. *shivers*

24) I am a private person.

Most of the time. This is kinda the same as two other questions in this quiz, but... I think alot of people would describe me as a private person, in some ways.

25) I panic easily.

CRAP! For a second there, I thought that was my answer! @%!!!

... just kidding. No, I hardly ever panic. Sometimes, when faced with very difficult decisions between multiple options, I feel like I'm panicking inwardly (because I can't choose, and yet I have to), but not often.

26) I keep my thoughts to myself.

In conversations I find interesting, I will either remain silent and listen carefully, or voice my beliefs firmly. This is another duplicate question, though, so it deserves no more of an answer than I've already given it.

27) I am unplanned.

I was prepared for this question. ;) No, I'm not unplanned. Llaura can sometimes get frustrated with how many "What will we do if..." questions I ask her while making plans.

28) I am emotionally numb.

Who cares.

jk, guys. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not, but I would say that I'm less emotional than even the average guy.

29) I fit in most places.

LoL Gotta work on that flexibility... no, I don't think this one is accurate about me.

30) I was considered a very hyperactive child (compared to other children).

Ah, no. I may have been averagely energetic for awhile, but my parents disciplined that out of me, and now I'm having to re-learn it on my own. If you've ever seen my hyper, be assured that I'm trying to mold it into a useful tool, rather than let it take over me every time I'm drunk on humor.

(...oh, yeah, and I forgot to say, I'm a really successful procrastinator.)

Friday, November 12, 2004


I don't feel like blogging. Maybe you could tell. I usually just let my mind leak onto the keyboard (sometimes it overflows), and I could do that very well right now, but I don't want to. I don't know why. Alot has happened since my last substantial post, but I don't want to talk about it. I want to want to share it, though, so this is my feeble attempt to do so.

Stress is when you feel you're not capable of doing something, but you know you have to do it if you want to avoid consequences. Stress is when you have 15 issues to deal with that aren't exactly urgent but are definitely important. Stress is when you realize you'd rather have one big problem than so many smaller ones.

(The following are not dictionary definitions, nor am I telling you my logical beliefs... these are merely splinters of my thoughts and feelings. Maybe I'm doing better with this blogging thing than I thought...)

Obligation is when you are supposed to do something, but don't want to. Responsibility is when you've accepted your obligations. Disappointment is when you let yourself down, or wake yourself up in the middle of your dream by thinking, "This is only a dream." True apathy is when you don't care that you don't care. Sometimes, false desire is when you want to want something, but can't. Insincerity is shown when you lie to yourself; it can lead to, or be worse than, dishonesty.

I had another thought, but it's gone now...

I'm going to dinner at a place called PF Chang's tonight, with my family from Irvine (Dad's cousin's family). After that, we're going to see Polar Express. = I am looking forward to Tom Hanks' performance (somewhat). Llaura tells me that dinner's going to be amazing.

(If it were just me going alone to PF Chang's tonight (for some reason), or any restaurant, I would rather change plans and eat Top Ramen with Llaura.)

I saw a girl stick her entire fist in her mouth last night. Another girl closed her mouth and sang a silly song. It sounded like a tiny person was inside her neck.

My professor for Literary Perspectives complimented my poetry paper and my comments during the discussion of a drama yesterday. She said I should consider being an english major. She talked about Vanguard's english department for about 20 minutes, while everyone else behind me was waiting to talk to her about class stuff. She even invited me to the meeting that's going on right now, where I was supposed to get info on the major. I think she was serious. I really don't want to major in english, even though I really enjoy analyzing and discussing literature, but I want to do what God wants, which sometimes means doing what I don't want to do.

Two classes have been canceled, one on the 23rd and one on the 24th. I still have science, hip-hop, weight-lifting, and Foundations of Christian Life to deal with... I really don't want to miss those discussions. One will be on the worship of God, and the other on communion with Him. =( Someone is going to have to take good notes for me.

I'm out of splinters. As Mandy Shepherd might say, go eat a can-opener.

1,000 Words

1,000 Words

Yes... I know. ANOTHER one. There's a good reason for it, though. You send me pictures, I post them. Check it out. (btw, the pics in the first post are courtesy of the illustrious Jenihe, whose xanga you can check out by clicking here)

Sunday, November 07, 2004

One More Time

Okay, I'm going to try my blog over. This time it will work. Hopefully. Click here.

Friday, November 05, 2004


We played Capture the Flag on campus yesterday night. Ahh, to sneak again... it was awesome.

We played congas, bongos, a barrel-drum, Irish whistles, flute, guitars, and tambourine on Wednesday night, for an hour and a half of worship... it was awesome.

I had one class canceled today, which means I only had one class, which means I was a complete slacker all day (watched two movies and played Fable for 4+ hours)... it was awesome.

Llaura's picking me up in a few minutes, and we're both spending a weekend at the Disneyland Hotel (with the illustrious Uncle Greg and his family, as well as my little bro Reuben)... it's going to be awesome.

That's right. You'd better get tired of that word. Awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome...

Tuesday, November 02, 2004


hey Luv

post on your blog that i'm feelin' the prayers and seeing blessings in action. i really felt Loved today. my spirit was at peace and the blessings were coming. more tonight. don't wanna give it all away now!!!!


~ Laura

Monday, November 01, 2004


I like it. Not everything is positive, but there's lots of cool stuff going on. As the Newsboys say, "Somethin' tells me it's alright... you know it's gonna be alright."

Hope you all had an awesome Octoberween. I spent mine standing alone with Llaura, on a beach in Santa Barbara, watching dolphins ride the waves near shore as the sun set.


No, I'm serious. Her apartment (she's going to Brooks Institute of Photography now) is in Goleta (Santa Barbara), and we literally walked to the beach and watched the sunset, with dolphins actually riding the waves and birds diving into the water and it was SO AWESOME.

=) Every Halloween should be like this.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Thank You

Tonight, I can't stop saying thank You, because God answered these prayers:

  • prayers for more time to take care of my traffic ticket

  • prayers for Llaura to be safe, and well, in mind & body & heart & soul

  • prayers for help with changing my bad habits/lifestyle

  • prayers for help to handle increasing amounts of schoolwork

  • prayers for friendships
  • prayers for more ways to learn

  • prayers for answered prayers

I just keep whispering it, over and over again... thank You thank You thank You thank You... I can't stop. I can't stop thanking Him. He's the Prayer-Answerer. He took care of me, and He took care of Llaura, and I think you should trust in Him no matter what.

So... go thank Him for what He's done. You know at least one thing. Say "thank You," and know that He has not yet begun to bless.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Help me out here please peoplez

Okay... Here is the problem:
About a year- and- a- half ago God called our (Kiko and I's) youth leaders to move to Texas. Great for them.. not so great for our youth group. Things have sorta gone downhill. I want to try to fix it. So here is my requests :
1) Pray for U-Turn (our youth group), it needs fixin'
2) tell me what you like, or would like, in a youth group
ba as random and creative as you please.... all ideas are appreciated

You can post it here or @ my blog @ http://l457-r3z0r7.blogspot.com/




If you believe, please pray that Llaura (the girl to whom I have committed myself, in a way) will receive wisdom/guidance to decide whether to continue down the academic path she's chosen, or turn in a new direction. She has many other issues to deal with (financial, logistic, etc.), but that one is the most important, because everything else hinges on it. Her future hinges on it.

After working through a lot of difficult, tiring problems, jumping through hoops, and persevering even through total discouragement, she's finally arrived in Santa Barbara, and it's worse than she could have ever been prepared for. We both realized that this is an opportunity for God to show that He loves us actively. He's not sitting a million miles away, watching the world spin, or even simply orchestrating major events.

"For we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him." I know that Llaura loves Him, so we believe that He will take care of things/circumstances... what we are praying for is an extra measure of strength (to continue in active obedience to God when it gets hard), patience (to wait on Him for His voice), and humility to bend while God shapes her character and her future to best please Himand fulfill His will, for her and in the world.

To those of you who have already begun praying, or are praying even as you read this, thank you.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Vida del muerto

Vida del muerto

That means "Life of the Dead," and the most recent post there is awesome. Read it. Read it.

Pleather Kites and Purple Tights

The Silent Hour -> Pleather Kites and Purple Tights

I'm speechless. THIS is how you introduce yourself. Forget "Hi, I'm Cliche, nice to meet you" and "The pleasure of using meaningless language and overused pretense is all mine, I'm sure," this girl knows who she is, and how to get in touch with strangers.

She is the Prophesied One.


Ok, your first mistake - learning to be a Ninja from a white guy amusing himself at Christmas time with fresh laundry ;)

Actually, that is pretty cool - how to make a ninja mask from an every day sweatshirt.

Did you ever hear of the assasination game? I learned about it in high school, and there may be rules around on the net somewhere. Its a harmless, fun game that would sharpen your ninja skills. What you do is put the names of everyone who is playing into a hat. Then each person draws a name and that is who they are supposed to "assasinate". You can do it any number of ways - sucker-tipped dart gun to the back of the head, letter bomb (just a letter saying boom! with some sort of a "trigger" like a taped string - break the tape and the "bomb" goes off), poison (slipping sugar or lemonaid into somones drink - something obvious to taste, but nothing that will make them sick or anything). When you have "successfully assasinated" someone, you inherit their name, and that becomes your new target. Last one alive wins. (Just remember the harmless fun part ;) )

It kind of teaches you to be on your toes and not be so complacent, and it lets you be creative in coming up with "mock assasination" schemes for your friends. I thought it was a blast. I dont know if you could pull it off at school, but maybe if you came up with gudelines (like no "killings" can be done in class, or the caffeteria, etc. Nothing that causes property damage, etc.)

Then you could put your newfound ninja training to use.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Ninja Quotes

... okay, first things first: How to Be a Ninja

Now. I followed these instructions, and when I went across the hall to ninja-strike Jesse, Marc made a disparaging comment, and I ceased my ninja-like activity, at which point Jesse said..

"awww... you made my ninja go away!"

Later on, in the hallway, I attempted to assassinate my roommate, Ghost (aka Bill). But he had friends with him, and soon all three were attacking me. I would have triumphed over all of them, if not for Bill, who swiped at my face with his snack, saying:

"HYAH! Cookie to the mouth!!!"

Ninjas are cool.


I don't even know where to start. I guess in times like these, the best way to start is by admitting that you don't know how. Or maybe that's just me trying to excuse myself.

Wait, I've got it. Here it is: God is still good.

And you're thinking, "Okay, yeah, sure... now get to the point." Well, I'm pretty sure that is the point. It's the most important one, anyway. But see, now I've admitted that I have other points to make. Let me just warn you that this isn't going to be a very happy post, simply because I'm not very happy. I think my paradigm is shifting even as I type, though, so even if I don't surprise you (which I expect to do), I'll probably end up surprising myself.

Sometimes, I could almost- almost!- wish that my strongest, oldest friendships would just fade away, that I would forget them and they would forget me. But that's a pretty selfish thought. It would work though... if I were completely alone (except for the necessary acquaintences like roommates and such), I would never have to miss anyone. I would never have the pain I have now. And since my friends wouldn't know me, either, they wouldn't care.

Maybe part of the reason I hurt so much is because I spent the entire day alone. Don't get me wrong, I love the solitude. "Yeah, right... no one likes loneliness!" Think again. Ask my why I sit all by my lonesome at most meals here, and my answer will be, "Because my lonesome keeps me company better than most real people here."

(That's not entirely true. It's just that I come to the dining commons to eat food, and I can't eat food when I'm talking, and when someone sits at the same table I sit at, I'm obligated to both talk to them and respond to what they say to me, not to mention trying to be polite to people I don't have real relationships with, as if we have to pretend to be friends just because we know each others' names. That usually leaves everyone at the table feeling awkward, so I just avoid it entirely, if I can.)

And check it out: the only time I ever have to miss my lonesome is when there are too many people around me too often, and that hasn't happened, here. The dorms are practically empty on weekends. I love the quiet. I love the peace. I'm the oldest of seven, almost eight kids. I enjoy being alone.

But I hate, hate, hate not being with my friends when they're together. Brandon "Maria" Scott's 18th birthday par-tay was today. Ben was there. Alex was there. Garrett. Tim. Shawn. Jenni. Llaura. Mandee. Keith. Jeremiah. Each name makes me sink a little deeper. "Isaiah, you're getting all mushy on us. You're never mushy." I am tonight. I apologize.

They played games. They ate food. They laughed together. I miss that. I miss it so much. Think of something you really enjoy. No, seriously. Take a few moments right now, and think of something you enjoy more than anything else.


Have you thought of it?


It had better not be something edible. If it is, consider yourself officially shallow. Sorry to be all blunt like that.


Something you really enjoy. Here's a blank for you to fill in (mentally), if it helps:

x __________

Okay, you've got it, now. Let's say God leads you to college, miraculously provides you with financial aid and a good loan, leads you to a church in answer to your prayers, gives you friends who care about you even though they've only known you a month or so, and blesses you with awesome classes (mostly) that you are enjoying so much you could almost be persuaded to take them all over again next semester...

...but every once in awhile, you hear about something happening at home. x _________ happens, and you can't be there for it. You miss it. In more ways than one.

Isn't that a great feeling? <--- HEAVY SARCASM

I love the fact that my friends are still enjoying each others' company, and new friends and new memories are being made. Why can't I celebrate with them? Why can't I find it in me to be happy WITH them? What's wrong with me?

"Oh, quit moaning, foof-head. They're still your friends; you'll see them again one of these days." I don't care. I missed Brandon Wandon's 18th birthday par-tay, and I missed seeing Ben Wiles come out of hiding. Okay, Ben, I know you don't hide (like that); it's just not often we get to hang out, even when I'm NOT a few hundred miles away. It hurts; it hurts so much to be away when I know how much they're enjoying life. Together.

It makes me feel like I'm not supposed to be here.

"Boo-hoo, dude... get over it." Why should I? Why shouldn't I miss my friends? I can't decide whether it's right or wrong to feel like this. Maybe both. Maybe neither.

Hours. They've been hanging out for hours; heck, some of them have been hanging out since this morning, and the par-tay is still freaking going!!! They'll probably be up half the night, and with nothing to do but be together. I imagine how awesome that has to be, spending that much time with each other, and in response, I'd rather cry than smile.

It just hurts... why does it hurt so much?

And does it matter?

I could always just... give up...

I love you all.

Friday, October 22, 2004


A moment of silence.....

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started.

I guess it's "Everyone Else's Blog/Xanga Promotion Week" or something.

Visit Jenihe's xanga.

A Day in the Life of Ug

A Day in the Life of Ug

Dungeon Master, web designer, forum moderator, artiste, friend, believer, child-at-heart, fantasy fan, video-game enthusiast, provider of snacks, co-proprietor of Ug 'n' Pippi's Bed-&-Breakfast-&-Library-&-GameRoom-&-Restaurant-&-CellHouse...

What more could you ask for in an uncle?

"Go ye therefore and comment on his blog, that he (and ye as well) may be blessed." -Isaiah 67:1, ISV

Wednesday, October 20, 2004


I have heard from at least 6 different people in 6 different cities that it's been raining, and they've been enjoying it. I've also visitied several different cities in the past week (I took four trains and two bi), and I heard about rain in every single one. I've been up and down the west coast from Fresno to Coarsegold to Bakersfield to Anaheim to Costa Mesa... even people up north in Livermore have been enjoying rain recently.

I don't care about the weather patterns, or cold fronts, or low-pressure systems. I want to know why everyone loves the rain.

I've heard radio dj's and such say that they love it because FM range increases during rainy periods. Others say it "washes memories off the sidewalk of life." Hundreds (perhaps thousands) of poems and songs have been dedicated to rain. Rain is thought of as romantic, or melancholy, or soothing, or even practical... some love the effects the rain has on grass ("makes it green!") or what it does to the air ("makes it clean!").

It's not just the feel of rain, either. People love to watch it, taste it, smell it, hear it. But no matter how hard I try, I can't get one definite answer that everybody agrees on as to why they love it.

So tell me... why do you love the rain? If your answer is in the form of, "Because the rain is _____," then tell me why you think the rain is _____.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

In the Silence

God speaks. That was the topic tonight at Mariners Church here in beautiful (and rainy) Orange County I went there to lead worship with Ben Harbor, but one of the small group leaders didn't show up, so I led a group. It was great.

If you read my post about my weekend at the Marriot in Irvine, you know that God led me to Mariners for a reason. Well, I've been helping Ben lead worship there for two weeks now, and now I'm hearing stuff about recording a CD and stuff. Plus they have a need for me to help lead. So I'm really thankful that God answered my prayer, that He would show me a church where I could be of use.

(I've been thankful for the lack of compliments thus far, except I heard that some passers-by were wondering if there was some choir or group or something performing for the 6th graders.)

So I'm praising Him, not in private but publicly, and hopefully you will all be encouraged. God answers prayers, especially when you ask for things in His name, in His will... and I'm not just talking about my church experience so far. I've been getting alot of answers lately, alot of God-experiences. I hope this will be a testimony you can draw hope from.

Stay tuned for more God sightings.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Voice of the Movies

Men's Retreat: Garrett Stipe, Brandon Wandon Scott, Zack Granum, and last but not lowest, Rabbi Evian Wade. Oh... Tomas was there, too, and Ug, and my dad, and my bro Eli (sometimes known as Squany Erms).

The speaker was okay... 1) He didn't know how to relate to our generation. We had all ages there. 2) He tried to illustrate and prove some of his points using stories and analogies and metaphors. It doesn't work... stories are supposed to help us understand a lesson. They are not evidence in and of themselves that the lesson has any Truth to it.

And the worship leader! Reggie Coates is sickeningly skilled. He broke like three strings pulling some of his 'craziness' (props to Garrett for that word). I don't like his constant smile (seems fake), how polite he is (not a good thing), or how he liked to speak during songs (I HATE that), improvise little extra phrases in the lyrics, on the fly (I HATE that too), and perform instead of lead worship. I'm sorry, you just can't pull fancy stuff like that and expect everyone (or even a majority) to follow along, therefore you aren't leading, therefore you are performing.

Following 'Awesome God': "Ah, yes... He is awesome, isn't He?"

Following 'I Stand In Awe': "Yeah. He is holy, isn't He?"


He even devoted entire songs to performance. At least he admitted it. I wish I hadn't smelled that much hypocrisy in the air whenever took the stage.

Moving on. The Small Groups were pretty good, except for a certain person I really respected several months ago for his insight. He was a total child at the retreat... I should have been much more patient with him than I was.

It was a pleasure having Brandon, Garrett, Evan, and Tom all in my group, though. There was also another guy... Rick, I think? His passion and love were very evident, though he had had an incredibly long, rough road up until his recent repentance and acceptance of Christ's Truth.

Tom was a humble leader, as expected. =) In fact, the majority of the men there seemed to be very humble... when worshipping at the campfire one night, someone asked for "Jesus Loves Me," and they all sang it with their eyes closed and their heads bowed, some with their hands raised. I was touched.

Eli was supposed to bring the sparring weapons, but I found out the day after we arrived that Ug and Dad had said there wasn't enough room. >=( Foofy. Just foofing foofy.

So I moped around for awhile while everyone else played extreme ping pong/ring-around-the-rosy, and then I said, "I've got it. We'll get some sticks and pad the ends with socks."

The guys nodded. "Let's do it!"

So we're gathering the materials, and some along the process of assembling these boffers, I realize that I'm not on the same page as everyone else. "Wait... these are for sparring weapons, I thought."

Evan: "So that's why you've been hitting me with this one???"

Garrett: "Uhm... these are for the bass drum."

Isaiah: "...I'm an idiot."

So we finished these things, and headed for the Drum.


I remember coming to camp Sugar Pine when I was in junior high or maybe late elementary, and climbing one of the hills to find a huge metal thingy that was kind of like a half-pipe but turned out to be half of a water tank turned on its side, to curve upwards. This last weekend (years later), we found another water tank that was actually still in use... and it was big. Garrett suggested climbing on top of it, and we discovered that it made a really cool booming noise when he stomped on it.

So anyway. We took these things up there, and in a heartfelt gesture of Bando-ism, and in tribute to the great John Myers, we held our First Seance Rhythm Circle. It was pretty cool. We held the Second one that night, during the lightning storm. Everyone in the camp thought the Drum was just more thunder.

Evan and I spent about four hours impersonating funny voices and quoting movies and cartoons, and singing Disney songs and worship songs with each other.

Uhm... I was going to write more, but believe it or not, there was a several-hour-long interruption in the writing of this post, and I'm really thrown off now (but it's all good), so this is all you get. Talk to the people who went for more stories. IM me, even...

I Love you all. Oh, and I want everyone- EVERYONE!!!- in the college study group to know that I am praying for you.

God bless. (and He will, too...)

Thursday, October 14, 2004


I'm painfully apathetic. Once in awhile I even enjoy making fun of politics. When someone decides to use chapel time to hold a political debate between two teachers representing the dominant political parties, I decide that that someone is a poopy foof-head, and I spend that time reading an enjoyable book, while still getting credit for going to chapel.

Vote against voting!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Make-a Your Own Pumpakin!

Make-a Your Own Pumpakin!

It's Octoberween season... carve your pumpakin wisely.

Don't Give Up

Just saw on the news that a 17-year-old girl named Laura Hatch was driving through the mountains, lost control of her car (somehow), crashed her Toyota Camry in the trees several yards down, survived for 8 days without food or water and suffering from dehydration, a blood clot in her brain, and broken bones in her face.

She's currently entertaining the doctors with her sarcastic jokes and strong positive attitude.

A family friend claims to have had several vivid dreams of a wooded area, prior to finding Laura in the back seat of her car.

Don't give up.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Wholly Crap!!!

. . . I should probably re-spell that . . .

To Ug, Caleb, Jenihe, Derek, the Jay, Kiko, Evian, Lane-O, Sunset, Maria, and any others who are interested:

I'm writing this because I'm tired of watching angry, faithless pre-Christians screaming their hearts out at the so-called "Christians" who have abused the name of God, turning potentially good soil into concrete.

Here's a perfect example:
Lord Sephiroth

And another:
Martin Spellweaver

A discussion on what's important, with opinions from all over:

And here, scroll down to the fifth post:

There are just too many to deal with. I'm a freshman in college with 17 units; I just don't have the time or the energy to talk to all these people and let them know that their feelings are actually valid! This is what the world feels when "Christians" present the "Good News":

"Humans need to lighten up! Their gods and religions are dreary, humorless, wrathful, intolerant, oppressive and generally unpleasant. There is no love, no joy, no fun! Humans are under the dominion of ideologies that are slowly but surely killing them. They need to release them and be free!

"No one is going to punish them for enjoying life, and there is no point to living if they can't enjoy it. No good god person wants to see people stumbling around in dread seriousness, doing ****amamie rituals and constantly beating up themselves and others."

And I wholeheartedly agree with it. Those who profess to have found the Truth are offering condemnation and propaganda, instead of Life. The links here are just a few examples of the thousands of people who have been Bible-bashed so many times that some of them are starting to bash back.

So this is what I propose (and this is the idea I had that hit me out of the blue, thereby inspiring this post's title):

I would share the truth with them, listen to them, minister and witness to them if I could. But i can only do so much. However, if there was a group of people handling tasks like these, we could begin changing hearts and live with just a few minutes of our time every day. Rather than handling all this on my own, I would really like to do it as part of a team. It wouldn't require a whole lot, as long as we have alot of people doing it.

So whaddya say? Wanna be an apologetic? Apologetics

PLEASE leave a comment or e-mail me, whether you're in or out. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Oh, you can also leave a post on the Silent Hour forum (anonymous posts are allowed, last time I checked...)

Chlorophylliary Posterior

much grass to Evian for his post... i miss all of you guys even more now. i see jenihe using 'sneaky sneaky' on her xanga, and i hear about all the quotes, and i'm like, "man..." it makes me sad.

on top of that, Llaura was here for a week, and now she's gone. this makes me want to sing. no, not joyfully... i just... need to express myself. heart's kind of overflowing. but i love to sing, so it's kind of a weird blend of negative and positive feelings, which are complementary rather than mutually exclusive or antimonious.

yes, that's a word... opposite of harmonious. :

anyway, i'm sorry i haven't posted much. i've been with Llaura.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

The best Verve ever

Well, Verve Cafe was the BEST tonight. I drank my first Rockstar energy drink, and just to tell you, the burning from the acid goes away about half way through. Anyway, things were going all right, and then the guest speaker showed up. First off, he's Filipino, short, knows martial arts, and loves Jesus. Hmmm. Sounds familiar. So he shares his testimony. Then the lights go off, and he starts to black-light paint. It was awesome. Period. You can see some of his paintings here. Although it's not quite the same as seeing it live, they're still great.

Monday, October 04, 2004



I break it down like that because most people don't think of "Oh my gosh I can't believe how blessed I am because God loves me" when they see the word "Hallelujah." I swear, she's... I... she... we...

*suppresses a dreamy sigh*

Isjami does not sigh dreamily in public.

Llaura's grandparents live in Westminster. I spent the weekend with her there. =) Actually, she spent several years growing up here in southern California. It's been really great to spend this much time with her. I mean, it really shows how blessed we are, as well as how (and sometimes why) we're blessed individually.

It's difficult, though. I keep thanking God for our relationship, but yesterday I realized, "What about God? Loving Him is supposed to be my main focus." I kept thanking Him, without realizing how much my focus had shifted towards her and away from Him over the weekend. It's good that we're not going to the same college, I think. God knows what He's doing. LoL Big surprise, huh?

My family sent me all kinds of gifts, too. Dad sent me Photoshop 7.0 and 8.0 (appropriately known as "CS"), as well as some retro .mp3's and the haircutting kit so I don't have to gel my hair every morning anymore. LoL Jesse suggested I just forget bandanas and gel and let it dry naturally. I think people would die laughing, so I don't plan to do that.

My aunt sent me $10 and tons of snacks like Cheetos and popcorn and sunflower seeds. My uncle sent me $40, sort of an advance paycheck for the web building I've been doing lately. God funded my weekend with Llaura, and I'm still trying to figure out whether he approves of the way I've been spending my money, or if He was just being gracious by knowing I would spend $$ on stuff I didn't need, and giving me the cash anyway. *shrug* I hope He continues to teach me about finances and spirituality.

Had a great church service at Rock Harbor, home of Mike Erre (AWESOME pastor) and Todd Proctor (semi-famous worship leader). I might spend another night at Llaura's grandparents' place, because my first class is at noon tomorrow, but we're still considering that. She may not leave for Fresno until Friday!!!

I would be TOO happy, except that I have to study for this 100 question science class (from hell). Stupid stuff, but hey, it's 4 credits and an easy A. Well, I shouldn't say that. It hasn't been easy attending class from 2:30p-6:00p twice a week, but I'm not really worried about my grade, let's put it that way.

I'm just rambling now. I'll stop. I miss all you guys.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

The Long Now Foundation

The Long Now Foundation: work

This is a link my uncle sent me, asking if I'd to take a shot at designing the new look for the Long Now Foundation. Their philosophy is fascinating.

They want to build a millenium clock.

Some specific sections to check out:


Jenihe, Ninjai, Fred, and Evan, especially... check these out.

Monday, September 27, 2004


"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If not, it never was." -Advice concerning friendship

I was floored when I read this. God totally did this to me, and I never realized it. I was falling into emptiness, being swallowed from the inside by a darkness I begged God to save me from. This isn't the only explanation for that period of faithlessness, but it sure makes alot more sense now. I kept thinking how God was breaking His promise, because it seemed like He kept Himself at a distance, but really it was just part of His plan.

Man, He's so cool... I swear, every time He makes a good call, I feel like celebrating.

Par-tay time! Bring on the band!


another rainy day
i can't recall havin' sunshine on my face
and all i feel is pain
all i wanna do is walk out of this place

but when i am stuck
and i can't move
When i don't know what i should do
When i wonder if i'll ever make it through

i gotta keep singin'
i gotta keep praisin' Your name
You're the One that's keepin' my heart beating
i gotta keep singin'
i gotta keep praisin' Your name
that's the only way that i find healing

can i climb up in Your lap
i don't wanna leave
Jesus, sing over me
i gotta keep singin'

can i climb up in Your lap
i don't wanna leave

Jesus sing over me
You're everything i need

and i gotta keep singin'

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Parallel Universe

I swear, the pastor looked like one of the elders from Clovis Christian, and he said he loved lighthouses (just like Pastor Mike). I saw Mr. DaSilva, too (look-alike). It's even more amazing because it's such a small church.

There were probably no more than thirty people in that sanctuary, leaving about a hundred seats empty (or so). That includes men, women, children, and senior citizens. I guess I was subconsciously expecting the people to be 'small' in proportion to their church, but that wasn't the case. Their faith was big, their passion was big, and most of their youth group (about five people) serve as the worship team there. Right on.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

That's "cutie-pie," by the way. The title of that last post. Clever, huh?


Studying. It actually feels Right, even though I don't enjoy it. It feels good to be doing stuff I have to do, instead of stuff I only want to do, even if the desire to do them (and the resulting satisfaction) is strong. Maybe avoiding the things I have to do makes the things I want to do less satisfying.

I went to Taco Bell for lunch, and I'm really confused about something. If baja is better than supreme (chalupa), then why is it called 'supreme'? Doesn't supreme mean 'the best'?

I gave $3 to this one-legged toothless black guy outside of K-Mart today. He seemed nice, but how can I know that? It's always hard to make that decision. I gave $5 to a guy in Pismo once, and about five minutes later the police were escorting him somewhere. I don't know what to do in those situations. How do I know that guy is going to Boston Market to get their veggies? Maybe their veggies are soft, and the guy did look and sound toothless, but... how can I know? God wants me to be caring and kind towards the poor, the widows, the orphans... et cetera, but how do I know which are poor, and which are lazy con artists who would rather pretend to be good-hearted victims of life's storms than go and get honest jobs?

He said, "God bless you," and I smiled and said "God bless you, man." God blessed him with $3... I hope he didn't notice me as much.

Thursday, September 23, 2004


I checked my voicemail just now. One message was from Llaura, and it was old, so I deleted it.

The other had the voice of an adult black male, and it said, "Hey, cutie-pie... ... *heavy breathing* ... ...I'd like to get to know you."

So I deleted it.

The End

.... . .-.. .--.

This morning, I woke up at 8:05a, but somehow made the wonderful decision of not getting up at that time. I fell asleep again, and woke up at 9:17a.

Crap. I'm missing my favorite class.

I jumped out of bed, threw some water on my eyes, threw some clothes on and burst (okay, dragged myself) out of my room. At this point, my hallmate Jesse saw me and said good morning. "morning" I replied, rushing to tie my bandana.

"Going to chapel?" he asked.

"mhejfrnl," I said.


"grbldnuh," I muttered again.


Then I made a break for the stairs. On the way down, I started thinking. Why did he ask me if I'm going to chapel? Chapel never overlaps with classes, and I have Foundations of Christian Life from 9a to 9:50a every MWF...


...what's today???

Foofy. Today is Thursday.

I trudged back up the stairs feeling stupid. Chapel started at 9:30a, so it was good that I woke up, but...

Hold up. I haven't had that class in at least a couple days. When was the last time I was there?

I realized that I had completely forgotten about it yesterday, probably due to lack of sleep. I had gone to my fitness class, gone back to my dorm, and then attended part of chapel, and never even realized that I'd missed class until this morning when I tried to go to it.

Four hours of sleep the night previous. No wonder I was so out of it, but... I freaking forgot my favorite class!!! What is my problem?!

Yeah. Stupid. I don't regret the conversations I had with people, the deepening/strengthening of old and new relationships... but... I am staying up so late, trying to do all the things that are important to me, that I wake up to my alarm the next morning, turn it off and go back to sleep, wake up two hours later, and not remember waking up at all.

But wait... it gets better.

I went to the gym at 12 today for hip-hop, and there was no one there but some maintenance workers. I looked at the clock, I thought through everything again, and I honestly asked myself, Is today a Thursday, or have I been double-mistaken?

I asked the guy, and he told me that all dance classes were canceled today. Well, at leas tthat means I don't have to explain to Heather about my stupidity.

I am so messed up. That's only like the 12th time I've said it since coming here. How is it that everything here is so awesome, yet I'm so crappy? I feel like a weed in a flowerbed. No, wait... what's a really ugly bug that devours everything it comes across? Uhhh.... let's just call it a foofbug. I am a foofbug in a flowerbed, eating all the beautiful flowers and making little poop-piles wherever I crawl.

I must now crawl to class. Please pray for me, that I may build discipline in my life.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004


I had beef sukiyaki and lucky charms and root beer and french fries for lunch.

My hallmate says I venture forth onto the campus like a silent, screaming seagull, with my black tresses. And he said something about melancholy and descending like a plague.

Okay, so I was up until 3a last night for some AWESOME reasons. Man, I can't believe how awesome last night was... anyway, I set my alarm for 7:10a thinking I'd get up for my once-a-week 8a class. I r teh stupid. God woke me up at 7:55a (I swear, He's done that like ten times now...), and I got to class just in time to take the quiz, and fail it. I hate myself. But I don't regret last night.

And THEN I went to chapel expecting worship and the Word, and instead I get a bunch of foofy speeches from a bunch of foofy foofies who are running for foofy offices in ASB (whatever that is). I left early. I didn't get credit for going to chapel, but I was kind of proud of not getting credit for THIS chapel.

Weight-lifting was good... it was good to pass some more limits. I lifted (lat pulls) my own weight, only once though. I still think my flexibility is terrible... I may have to do stretching outside of classes.

It's really Çôô£ reading all of the blogs/xangas you guys write. Brandon wandon, your writing rules, and I'm considering making a separate set of pages just for that kind of stuff.

K, all done with random babblings. I'll be working on non-blog stuff tonight...

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

The Pious Man and the Atheist

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, the pious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above...


1 Corinthians 13

Well, this came up with both Kevin and Caleb, and it's come up with others before, so I feel like I need to share it. Please keep in mind that I am trying not to offend anyone by what I'm about to say; I do not pretend to know the thoughts and feelings of others. The following is, in part, simply my perception of the world.

Sometime last year, Andrew Peterson, a very close (and very, uh, God-seeking) friend of mine asked me about my relationship with Laura Kennedy. I wrote the following letter to him, so that's why it ends with a paragraph addressed to a specific reader. Most of the paranthetical statements are made to you, the reader, and not to Andrew. Hopefully it won't be too confusing.

I should warn you about the mush. You may feel like you're looking at what used to be frozen yogurt, before I let it get lukewarm and spread it all over the web for you to slog through. Skip over stuff if you need to; I won't be offended (much). The main reason I'm sharing this with my friends is because it shows God at work in my life, and that is something I am not only compelled but commanded to do.

Secondly, I want other people to know who Llaura and I are, and why we are. I hope there's something encouraging, amusing, profound in here for you, whoever you are. I am especially hoping that Kiko and the Jay (whoa, sounds like a cartoon...) will be able to relate, and to reflect back to me some of these thoughts and experiences and feelings.

So... enjoy.

our story


"If you want to make God laugh, show Him your plans." - C. S. Lewis

Monday, September 20, 2004

Homeschool Rules

Kevin says:

Isjami says:

Kevin says:
you home for lunch or something?

Isjami says:
home for lunch?

Isjami says:
I live here.

Isjami says:
I live in the dorms.

Kevin says:

Kevin says:
I was thinking you were in high school

Kevin says:

Isjami says:

Isjami says:

Isjami says:
it's been awhile

Kevin says:
what year are you right now?

Isjami says:
well, I went to a JC for two years, so I've got 44 units, but it's my first year at Vanguard

Kevin says:

Kevin says:
so, this is your 3rd year out of high school

Isjami says:

Kevin says:
19 or 20 this year?

Isjami says:
beginning of my 3rd year

Isjami says:
I turned 18 last month

Kevin says:

Kevin says:

Kevin says:
you must have graduated early from high school

Isjami says:
lol that was weird. first I saw the text, and then a few secons later it turned into the smiley

Isjami says:

Kevin says:
did you skip a grade at some point?

Kevin says:
or did you just start school early?

Isjami says:
finished 1st and 2nd grade in one year, and skipped senior year

Kevin says:

Isjami says:
homeschool, man.

Kevin says:
oh, lol

Isjami says:
I'm not a genius. I'm a homeschooler.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Warm and Fuzzy

My weekend was good, but cloudy. I have trouble remembering what I did. I think yesterday I sang, did a little .html, did laundry, watched Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (quality! I swear, it's flawless), and worked on a little web project of my own. ^_^ Went to bed around 2:30a.

Today, I went to church with my second cousin Jeremy Triechelt. He's Çôô£. It's been quite a long time since I've spent time with him, since he lives in Irvine. We went to Calvary Chapel.

It was strange. There was a .ppt slideshow before service started that was looping through, and two of the slides said:

1. "Please remember: All cell phones and pagers should be off during service."

2. "Note: If you leave the sanctuary, you are not allowed to re-enter during the service, as is it a distraction."

Cheese. Can't even go to the bathroom or anything... there's something terrorist-y or hostage-situation-y about this church.

They led the most varied selection of songs I've ever heard in one service before. We sang a hymn out of the hymnal (acapella), then the band came up (guitar, keyboard, drums, piano, and string bass!) and led "Blessed Be Your Name," "Let My Words Be Few" (Phillips Craig and Dean), and another hymn, and some other old song I hadn't heard before. And "Create in Me."

The pastor began speaking about the Messiah's mission on earth, and after mentioning the fact that Christ told the disciples that He was the One they were looking for, the pastor made a speech about terrorism.

He spoke almost like a book, but the basic message was, "I cannot begin to fathom what twisted, evil mindset those terrorists must have to commit such atrocious acts of violence and destruction. I am so very glad, that I follow a religion that speaks such commands as, 'Let the little children come to me.'"

He went on and on about how bad terrorists must be, and how he couldn't imagine being that evil, and how he was so grateful that he was so good, I was thinking, "He must be giving us an example of the Pharisee on the street corner. 'Oh God, thank You that I am not like that sinner over there.'"

I let myself half-doze just a tad. This church wasn't exactly like the Nazarene place I went with Llaura's family a few weeks ago, but... I dunno. It seems like either 1) they're in a transition phase, in terms of staff and beliefs and practices and traditions, or 2) they are trying to appeal to several groups of people all at once, and thereby failing to present a true and pure doctrine.

Oh, well. Jeremy and I went to Norm's, which was like a half-hour wait, so we went to Benihana's, which was closed until 3p, so we went to the gas station, and then to National Sports Something-or-Other where there were TV's and speakers in every freaking corner. Their onion rings were soft, but the patty melt wasn't bad.

We might go to a movie with Ryan (my other second cousin, and Jeremy's first cousin) tonight. I mentioned to Jeremy: "You know, it's freaking me out how similar you and Ryan look."

He laughed, and replied, "I'd say, go look in a mirror. I think we all look the same."

o.O Right. Except they're not bad-looking. *shrug*

Will someone please tell Danny that there is no such thing as Mr. Yarbles?

Saturday, September 18, 2004


Well, I did it. I drank a diet pepsi and lots of root beer, spent $[CENSORED].00 at the theater, ate lots and lots of popcorn and candy. And stayed up until 5:15a working on an html project of mine.

Life is grood.

But now I'm hungry. I missed brunch, so it's a choice now between water and poptarts, or waiting until 4p for the manicotti (sp?) and Swedish meatballs over white rice. Life is full of tough choices...

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow: extremely entertaining, but the quality was, how do you say... craptastic? I mean, I'm the kind of guy who likes to ask questions like, "why is her make-up still on after falling in the water?" and "how did that airplane shoot a harpoon/grappling-hook out of a previously hidden compartment, thereby attaching itself to some scaffolding and making a perfect 180° turn without losing any speed or compromising structural integrity?" or how about "how did that man tackle a 15-foot metal robot into the ground without hurting himself?"

If I had written down all the questions of that type, I would have had a nice term paper. Heck, if I had somehow gotten ahold of all the answers to those questions, I would've been able to publish a nice novel!!! The movie is so full of holes (interesting concept, huh?) and inconsistencies and mistakes that about a third of the way through, it was just getting too hilarious, so rather than getting bogged down- no, buried in the avalanche of flaws, I just enjoyed myself.

Rabbi Evian, go see it. It may be inspiring.

Friday, September 17, 2004


I have this flab around my mid-section. It is going bye-bye, if I have to get up every morning and run around the building seven times, blowing my trumpet and shouting some war cry in Hebrew.

I had something else to post. I've forgotton OH yeah. I'm going to take voice lessons. They require auditions for just about every musical group here, and I can only read flute music at this point, so yeah... I'll be learning to sing. And lead better. I'm happy.

Lorem Ipsum Books:Blog

Lorem Ipsum Books:Blog

This is a funny blog. Go there.

Our Story


I swear, I could spend all day talking about it. It's like reading a book you've never read before but thought you had. It's like meeting a close friend for the first time, and realizing how far away you are, how close you could be. It's like discovering that you're more than you thought. It's like looking inside your refrigerator, expecting it to be empty, but instead you open the door and discover a secret tunnel that leads to some exotic place that seems vaguely familiar and yet entirely new to you; and instead of finding like two week-old macaroni noodles, you find not only a buffet, but an entire world that you had no idea existed.

It's My Story.

It's really yours, too. Actually, it's everyone's, whether they're aware of it or not. Ultimately, it's God's Story. He's writing each scene, creating all the characters, making cameos (sp?), and even giving us the free will to shape our own sub-stories inside the bigger scheme.

"Yeah, yeah... the grand scheme of things. We get it, Isaiah." Well, normally I'd believe you, but not this time, because this is a story you've never heard before. This is a story, the Story of Life, Love, and Laughter, of the ultimate Hero and the most ancient Villain. This Story is of faith, betrayal, justice, and mercy. In this Story, mighty angels are merely messengers and servants, compared to the really important characters...

...and those really important characters happen to be you guys.

"Right, right... free will. We get to decide what to do. Kinda like R. L. Stine's books, where you choose your own ending." Okay, well... sort of. Not really. Maybe a little bit. Free will is much simpler, and much more vast, far more significant, than you may have thought up to this point. According to the Story, anyway.

"Jeez, alright already! Tell us this freaking story so we can stop wondering about it, and get on with more important thoughts!" Patience! I know you're all on the edges of your seats (respectively, not collectively), so I'll try to satisfy you with some tidbits. See, I haven't actually written this Story from my own perspective yet. I mean, you could read it as it is right now, but it would be difficult.

So, I'll get to work on that. Here are some glimpses:

Our Story: Chapter 1

Our story does not begin with a dilemma, as some storytellers have said. This story begins with Life, Love, and Laughter, even before mankind was around at all. The beginning was Joy... Ecstasy. Perfection. There were no cars, no animals, no diamonds or compact discs or political struggles. There was only Community. Relationship. A dynamic, yet peaceful existence that simply... Was.

Our Story: Chapter 2

Then there was more. Light, ferrets, bananas, sound, eucalpytus trees, you name it. But these things weren't all that important in the Story. Far more important was the beginning of Mankind, the climax of creation, the extension, expansion, and expression of the perfect Community that had already existed for eternities past...

...when God Himself walked with Us, in the cool of the evening.

There's my dragon, Kaizer. Do I say that too often? Lemme know, if I do. And let me know if you've heard this Story before.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

What worship?

Well, it's hasn't been the same, Ms. Micu. We had one practice after you left, and it just felt plain weird without you.

But then began the complete madness.

First, the play at Clovis High had auditions, and Jessica got a main part. I play a police officer, but all I do is walk in, beat up someone, then leave. So I don't have to be there that much, while Jess has to be at every practice, thus, no worship for her. Then Carrie tells us that she can't be there on Tues. anymore because she has choir practice. Poop. So we decided to move it to Wed., but Jessica says that she can't do it then because she has dance practice. Double poop. On top of that, I've been busy every single wed. except for last, so we've had 1 practice all together since you left, and nothing has gone right. We'll figure it out, but until then, poop.

Much Better!

Ahh... the thrill of success. And at something so simple. "Wake up on time, Isaiah." I listened to myself today. That's probably because I learned my lesson yesterday. Only, I've learned my lesson before, and I always end up making the same mistake again.

Lemme share one of my beliefs with you: "To err is human."

Heard it? How about the second part:

"To forgive is Divine."

And of course, the third part, the one I wish didn't apply to me so much...

"To make the same error repeatedly, is stupidity."

But I haven't been stupid today. Yet.

I'm very glad I got up. Had a good breakfast with Jesse (scrambled eggs and white rice and boiled eggs and fruit and tater tots), and went to a good chapel with Jesse. Finished my homework just now.

Dang, I thought I had more news than that... oh, well. Maybe after hip-hop, literature, and New Testament.

Rabbi Wade, you need to post something about how the worship team is doing.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

The Dark Side

Anger. Hatred. Bitterness. Faugh.

(What is faugh? I guess it means the same as "patooey" and "yuck" and "blech" and "ugh" and "agh" and "eeewww.")

Due to extenuating circumstances, Llaura was unable to call me until 1:40a this morning. We talked until 3a, and I enjoyed it immensely, moreso because of the relationship than because of the subject matter (although we do have some great discussions that are great in and of themselves).

Yeah, I was so happy when I went to bed last night. Even before picking up the phone, I had set my alarm for 7a, which is the earliest I get up during the week because I have a once-a-week class at 8a on Wednesday. So I scooted my alarm clock closer to my bed, and slept.

I do not remember waking up at 7a, turning off the alarm, and going back to sleep.

I do remember waking up at 8:30a or so and thinking, "Crap, I missed my once-a-week class. I hate myself." And then I fell asleep again.

I also remember waking up at 10a, and thinking, "Crap-for-crap, I missed foofing chapel. I hate myself again."

This time, I didn't go back to sleep, because I also realized, "Crap-for-freaking-crappy-crap, I missed my favorite class of all time!!! DIE, SELF!!!!!!"

Yeah. And then I got up, showered, and vehemently exerted myself in the weight-room.

I hate me. I hate my science class which starts in half an hour and ends four hours from now.

Cuss-word. I know poop occurs, but why do I always have to step in it, deliberately???

Rabbi Evian Wade, III

I can only hope the readers of this letter are as outraged as I am at Rabbi Evian Wade III. Before examining the present situation, however, it is important that I teach vile know-nothings about tolerance. By and large, he fervently believes that his scribblings are all sweetness and light. This shows that he is not merely mistaken about one little fact among millions of facts but that I demand an apology from Rabbi Wade for his insults. He vehemently denies that, of course. But he obviously would, because his latest manifesto, like all the ones that preceded it, is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing teeming with misquotations and inaccuracies, an odyssey of anecdotes that are occasionally entertaining, but certainly not informative.

My number one priority is to shine a light on Rabbi Wade's efforts to help obscene Neanderthals back up their prejudices with "scientific" proof. At the risk of sounding a tad redundant, let me add that I frequently talk about how Rabbi Wade descends from a long line of besotted troglodytes who like to scrap the notion of national sovereignty. I would drop the subject, except that when one examines the ramifications of letting him strip the world of conversation, friendship, and love, one finds a preponderance of evidence leading to the conclusion that he likes pronouncements that erode constitutional principles that have shaped our society and remain at the core of our freedom and liberty.

Could there be a conflict of interest there? If you were to ask me, I'd say that he commonly appoints ineffective people to important positions. He then ensures that these people stay in those positions, because that makes it easy for him to give money-grubbing nymphomaniacs far more credibility than they deserve. It is clear from what I have already written that I appreciate feedback and other people's views on subjects. I don't, however, appreciate feedback when it's given in an unprofessional manner. So, sorry for being so long-winded in this letter, but Rabbi Evian Wade III hates, with a pure and perfect hatred, all those who tell you a little bit about him and his self-righteous convictions.