about this blog
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in contrast with my other blogs, this one's for more introspective \ personal stuff. if you read this, you're most likely a close friend of mine. welcome! =)
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Thursday, July 06, 2006
Samishii
i down-dated the look and title of my blog because this fits my current chapter. Samishii means "lonely" in Japanese... and i think there is no chapter of my life that would be better suited by the title.
some of the reasons i'm lonely:
- i refuse to date
- my closest friends live furthest away
- i'm incoming (the opposite of outgoing...)
- i've been growing less socially independent, personality-wise but not lifestyle-wise
- i live two halves of a life, not one whole (because of college)
- i don't care very much about myself
- i no longer have faith that God interacts with His world today
the first bullet point only makes sense; it would take (or has taken??) many blog posts to expound on. the bottom line is that Love rules, dating drools. except that Loving other people can often leave you lonely, because you are only motivated by the needs of others, and not by the needs you have yourself.
the second, i can't do much about. i wish i would bring them all here to live with me. Heather A., the Jay, Squeeks, King Andrew. also: i guess some of my closest friends are far away in terms of time, not just space. Bekah, KT, Jeremiah, Llaura, Brandon. i used to be close to them, but i'm not anymore. i must accept those who are separated from me by distance, but i think i'm too complacent when it comes to those separated from me by time. i think i can do something about this... i think blogging about it more often will keep me moving on it. i'll give myself an update next time i post here, probably.
and that leads into the third point. i don't think it's bad to be incoming, but with me it's a fault; or else it's tied up with one of my other flaws. whatever it is, i just don't make much effort to have relationship with anyone unless they need something or someone. that's mostly the case. as point the fourth says, i've been needing people more, in my heart. i don't understand why that is. isn't that backwards? shouldn't i be growing stronger, more independent as i mature? "no, isaiah, it's a paradox of life that sometimes weakness and dependence is strength and maturity." whatevs. *sigh*
point five: again, i can do nothing about it. i must go back and forth no matter what. i have loved ones (and loving ones) both here and at school; it'll be another year before i'm done with this partitioned life. i can accept it.
the 6th is interesting. i'm not sure where the flaw is, on that one. isn't it right to care about others more than myself? the problem is that sometimes there's nothing i can really do to care for my friends, because they are happy and don't need anything, or because there's nothing i personally can do to help them, or to bring them joy or fulfillment. during those times when no one needs me, i feel that that's when i need others the most. i haven't figured it out yet, but i think i'm making progress. i think the best analogy is that i'm starving myself for no reason. wow.
and lastly... the worst one of all. my foundation for absolutely everything has been crumbling for months, and i don't understand why. i mean, i know the arguments and logical sequences in my head, and i know that when i add everything up and take the leap of faith, for some reason i never reach the ground. i understand that even if there wasn't a God, people would believe in Him and rely on Him. i see that people have faith in the power of prayer and in the truth of Christ's love, even when they're not experiencing it. it seems like belief in an immanent, involved God is really what makes people fulfilled and satisfied... as opposed to God Himself doing it. in other words, if a person believes God forgives them, they feel forgiven and redeemed, and would feel that way even if God didn't!!
it sounds like a stupid, ridiculous way of thinking when i compress all of my thoughts into one tiny paragraph like this-- i've spent months thinking through it, and i'm still searching for any flaws i could exploit-- but if the theory that God isn't involved with us today holds up under my ruthless scrutiny, my tenacious search for some evidence that legitimately challenges my thoughts... then my life is forfeit.
i cannot force myself to believe in something that is powered by belief. all of a sudden, the Christian life, for me, is full of magic tricks instead of miracles. as long as you believe in the magic, it works. just like the magic boots story, or the magic sword, or whatever it was. the person's belief that the magic existed was what granted him victory; it wasn't the magic he wrongly believed in.
i know that God is Creator, and that Christ is Lord and Saviour. i still look forward to what He will do in the future. but in the meantime, a God Who simply waits for the Final Day, is a God i cannot Love. not because i choose not to, but because He is absent. Deus absconditus. i can't worship, because the good feelings i might have are just me enjoying the music, and it's hard right now to worship just because He deserves and commands it. it might as well be an absent father asking his children to show him affection from the other side of the country. after years of growing up believing that He wrote them letters, they finally found out that the letters were written by their mother, who 'had faith' that their father loved them. either that or she just wanted them to believe it so that they would grow up with the 'influence' of a loving father.
i hate how my worldview has changed. i explained it all to God months ago when i first realized what had happened to my faith, and i know that He understands what's going on. i just don't have any hope of hearing back from Him, since any message that comes to me seemingly from Him could really be from anyone at all, even from myself as my sub-conscious tries to save me from despairing completely.
that's why my name is Samishii.
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about me
| Name: |
Isaiah Micu |
| Location: |
Fresno |
| Status: |
Married |
| Age: |
22 |
| Height: |
5'6" |
| Weight: |
133 lbs. |
| Eyes: |
Brown |
| Hair: |
Dark Brown |
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| AIM: |
isjami19 |
| E-mail: |
moc.liamg@imajsi |
| Cell: |
9098.039.955 |
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3 Comments:
there are some things that i can definately relate to in this blog.
to name two:
"Loving other people can often leave you lonely, because you are only motivated by the needs of others, and not by the needs you have yourself."
i just don't make much effort to have relationship with anyone unless they need something or someone. that's mostly the case. as point the fourth says, i've been needing people more, in my heart. i don't understand why that is. isn't that backwards? shouldn't i be growing stronger, more independent as i mature? "no, isaiah, it's a paradox of life that sometimes weakness and dependence is strength and maturity." whatevs. *sigh*
do you ever read my 'rumpus' blog?
http://a-rumpus.blogspot.com/
i have a theory that God has deemed that i be this friend of the friendless, lover of the unloved, or sort of like a half-way-friend (kinda like a half-way-house). meaning that i think God puts me in situations and places where there are people who need to be loved or to have a friend. and somehow i become that person. but then things end up happening to that person where they no longer need me or my friendship, or my love. either they move away and lose contact with me, they make a new crowd of friends, or they gain a boyfriend of girlfriend.
recently that's all been happening again. my friends are slowly, one by one, no longer needing me or requiring my friendship. so i, myself, am starting to embark on another period of time in my life where i too will sail alone
i think i was going to type more...but sadly it has slipped my mind, if i remember what it was i will comment again
but the bottom line i'm trying to make:
you're not completely alone, there are still times when i can relate to you, and i always need a friend, and i value your friendship very much.
and of course, i'm always praying for you =)
isaiah,
i believe this seems familure.
do you remember how we met?
i believe it was the mice base experience. lol
i think i emailed you with words sumtin similiar to "have to give lovin to my spanish peeps" (mistaking you for an old friend of mine who is from spanish decent) (whom you still look ridiculously like)
and i think you emailed me back saying sumtin to the lines of "i'm philipino, do i know you?"
thus blossomed a wonderful friendship.
God led me to you. i know that for sure. i don't know if i fulfilled anyone of your needs but you were the friend i needed. God saw me slipping and He put my hands in yours to pray and Love.
I Love You IJ.
Samishii.....
that could describe me right now...in the current state i'm in with this whole helmsmen thing and no one to Love on me...:( lol. hope you have fun at camp.
Solitude ca be a gift...
Look at the first three kings in the OT. Saul was given a new heart, Solomon was given a rocket scientist mind. Both kings had very bad endings. David was given solitude, time alone in the field, pasturing the sheep - he ran with it, killed lions and bears because he knew who was with him.
Solitude can be the best gift of all. The trick is finding contentment in solitude. Learning to make God our friend is not easy. Paul says to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. He is talking about what Jesus said in Luke 6, "dig deep and uncover the rock". Dig deep with fear and trembling. The one who digs deep is the true follower. Digging deep means finding joy and contentment
during times of solitude. Digging deep means looking for God with all your heart, soul, and mind when we
think he is not there.
We have been given every tool imaginable so that we can dig deep. I like to start out using the tool called "faith", very small tool by design, the size of a mustard seed, but probably the most effective of all when it comes to digging. Use this tool first then go on to hope. Eventually you will end up using love. Faith is very effective because it requires objective thinking, doesnt require any emotions, or feelings. It works best with no emotions, just like Data, turn off the emotion chip and concentrate on thoughts that do not require any emotional energy. Thoughts like, "God will protect me from destroying myself".
Learning to make God's words more important than words and actions from our friends and family is the key to making God our best friend.
When David went to the battlefield to give food to his brothers he was met with unfair accusations. His solitude training kicked in and ended up killing the big guy.
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